Love him, or leave

[MissMelissa]

I asked for divorce 6/11, at age 41, after 13 yrs of marriage to a man I likely wouldn’t have married if I hadn’t gotten pregnant (on the pill). For financial reasons, and bc we live in a tiny town with few rentals, we shared the house but had no “spousal contact”. Our goal was to raise our two teens until one of us could afford to move.

 

In 01/13, I met “K”, who I thought would be a friend, and I was honest about my situation, with no expectations. We talked constantly, met several times to talk and just be together. A few months later, he confessed he was in love with me, that he felt in his heart that I was The One. I told him I wasn’t at that point yet. Having never been in love before, I was terrified of the deep feelings I had for him, but a short time later I finally admitted to both of us that I loved him, was crazy in love.

 

In the summer of 2013, I texted w/a friend who’d indicated his desire to have a relationship with me after my divorce. I lied about it at first, then finally told “K”, and he was very hurt that I would “seek out” the attention of another man, and that I lied. I was foolish for breaking his trust.

 

I moved out with my daughter in 08/13, then filed for divorce. My ex, who is still good friends with my parents, continued to come around with their blessing, despite my repeated pleas that he not. They invited him for T’giving, where he offended my bf repeatedly, then followed me to my house and walked in while my bf stood watching on my parents’ porch. My bf was hurt, but he didn’t allow it to show, and stayed until late in the evening playing games with my family.

 

For Christmas, my parents invited my ex bc “he didn’t have anywhere else to go”, but would not invite my bf. “K” was devastated, I was angry, but I didn’t want to ruin the holiday for our kids, so I shut my mouth. He felt this was a betrayal, and our relationship suffered incredibly. There was a lot of strife bc of my ex, the only thing "K" and I argued about. My parents had no respect when it came to my wishes he not be included in our “family events”, instead spending time with them when I wasn’t around. They called me selfish and unreasonable, and said “K” and I should “get over it”.

 

The past 6 mos have been off and on, we argued a lot, spent very little time together. 2 weeks ago, he texted and asked me to “be his friend, please”. I knew he’d met someone else. He admitted he had, but didn’t know if his heart would let me go enough to find out if he could care about her. I understand why he was open to meeting someone else, after feeling like he was in competition with my ex for over a year, broken trust and my inability to stand up to my family and insist they respect my wishes.

 

I love him with everything in me, and the thought of not having a future with him has wrecked my appetite, I sleep very little, and cry a lot. I am in a constant struggle trying to figure out if I should just try to walk away (which hurts more than can be believed), or allow him the time he asks for to figure out if our relationship is worth saving. I want to be his friend, but my love for him always takes center stage, and I don’t know if I can do it. But not speaking to him anymore? I can’t even fathom how to begin to do that.

 

Sorry for being so wordy. I haven’t had anyone to talk to about this in so long.

[Edmund Exley]

There is a lot of toxic and immature behavior going on here by all parties involved. I don't see how this can ever become a normal situation.

[HeartGoesOn]

I think you would have had a better outcome, if you waited until your divorce was final before beginning a new relationship. In addition to that, I'm sure he felt awkward interacting with your family before the dust had settled, so to speak.

 

At this point, I would try to move on with the understanding that what will be, will be.

[MissMelissa]

To clarify - He didn't meet my family until my divorce was final (which happens quickly here), and we didn't start dating until then. We were friends who cared about one another, and my ex and family were aware that I wanted a relationship with him when I was single.

 

Toxic? I don't think that's the right word. There is disrespect on the part of my parents and ex, and they feel that I, and whomever I date, should be okay hanging out with my ex-husband "because we have kids together". I can't get them to understand that I divorced him because I don't WANT to spend time with him. For example, my parents want all of us, as a family, to help them with yard work or building my dad's shop, because "we need an able bodied man" to do the heavy lifting. When I mention that I may, eventually, have a mate that can help with that, they say, "It takes years to build that kind of comfort level with someone. We have that with your ex, so we'll just ask him."

 

If it were me in "K's" shoes, I wouldn't have stuck around for as long as he has. It is a testament to his love for me that he did.

[Doug73]

If it were me I'd have a talk with my parents again and if that didn't work out I would have to start distancing myself from them. If my SO wasn't welcome or were treated that way by my family I'd honestly start doing things differently. I wouldn't attend functions or anything where they ex was invited as well. To me that is very disrespectful to you. I understand that they consider him family or whatever still, but could they not see or spend time with him (if that's what they want) outside of time with you??

Just my opinion and what I would do if it were me.

[MissMelissa]

Thank you, Doug. (Ironically, my ex's name.) I have had this convo with them MANY times. K actually sent my mom a msg on FB asking her if she has ANY respect for me (which made her VERY angry for questioning her love for me). She said she won't welcome him into her home until he apologizes. I have NEVER asked my parents, or my brothers, to NOT be his friend. I am not that callous or uncaring. I've only asked that he NOT be invited to functions I will be attending. I thought that was reasonable.

 

I have asked a few male friends, if they found themselves in this situation, would they hang on and try to make it work? To a person, they said no. And my female friends said the same thing. So I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable.

 

One thing that makes this difficult - I just bought a house next door to my parents, so I could be close to help them. So distancing myself will be hard. But I am fully prepared to do it, if need be

[Doug73]

MissyJo, I don't think for one second that you are being unreasonable. I think more so that your parents are being unfair. I've been in the same situation years ago with my now ex-wife. At the time, she was treated very poorly by my family and it got to the point where I sat them all down collectively and gave them the choice that either they could be in my life or not. The choice was left to them entirely. I let them know that she was an important part of my life and that she was not going anywhere, anytime soon and if they wanted to stay away and or not include her in things, then I wanted no part of it either. It was either accept us as a family together (as there was kids involved at this point) or don't accept us at all. It's a tough thing to do, but at the time I felt it was the right thing to do. Even though my marriage ended the way it did, I would still do the same thing again.

[aknuyt]

I hate to be the voice of reason but you are being unreasonable. You say moved next to your parents so you can help them but I am gonna assume that is not the case... they obviously have a better relationship with your ex than you. They are have no choice but to love you but obviously he (your ex) has earned their loyalty, you should respect that and realize you do not get to cut him out of their lives just because you no longer have a use for him.

 

Its great that you have ended a relationship where you were only using him for financial or other support as that wasnt fair to him, his lashing out your bf and acting like an ass is probably his emotional response to years of emotional damage you have inflicted on him. Your bf shouldnt have to deal with that drama but you are reaping what you sow... if you want everyone else involved to be mature and reasonable try acting that way yourself.

 

Maybe I am wrong my assumptions but seriously step into your ex's shoes for a minute, how would you feel if he was trying to exclude you from spending holidays with your kids and family?

[MissMelissa]

Wow, aknuyt. First of all, I have now and have always had a very good relationship with my parents. I have lived within a few minutes of them all of my adulthood. The reasons they want my ex around - they do like him, and he is useful when it comes to doing the things my parents can't do. Did you miss the sentence "my parents want all of us, as a family, to help them with yard work or building my dad's shop, because "we need an able bodied man" to do the heavy lifting." They don't want my kids to have to chose between spending time with me and my parents, or with their dad. Though millions of divorced couples do it EVERY day. And I never asked them to cut him out - I haven't asked them to not be friends. I have asked them to respect MY desire to move forward in my life.

 

As for using him for financial support - I brought home more money than he did. I begged him for TEN YEARS to get therapy for an anger-management issue, which he refused to acknowledge until after we were separated. I threatened to leave and take my kids (who were usually on the receiving end of his anger) several times, and he would get "better" for a while, but then we were back to his lashing out and screaming. So to say that *I* inflicted emotional damage is laughable. And if he earned my parents' loyalty by treating his children and wife as verbal punching bags, ... that's just a sad statement.

 

I am not excluding him from doing things with the kids, in no way. I am, however, excluding him from celebrating the holidays, having family dinners and doing the things married couples do, with MY FAMILY, because we AREN'T married any longer.

 

Thank you for voicing your opinion, and no disrespect meant, but I believe I'll disregard it just the same.

[aknuyt]

"There is disrespect on the part of my parents and ex, and they feel that I, and whomever I date, should be okay hanging out with my ex-husband "because we have kids together". I can't get them to understand that I divorced him because I don't WANT to spend time with him."

 

It is the internet and I am not getting the whole picture and my judgement should be taken with a grain of salt as should any other anonymous stranger that doesnt know you or your family but you did make the above statement.

[MissMelissa]

I always appreciate a second opinion. But, before passing judgment and making such sweeping statements, asking for more info or clarification is a good idea.

 

I don't want to bash my ex, we both made mistakes. My problem is the lack of respect from my family, and him, that helped destroy a relationship that could have been my forever.

 

I wouldn't date a man, and my parents would frown on it, who left me home while he spent holidays with his family and his ex. But they don't see it that way.

 

Thank you for your reply.

[MissMelissa]

Doug - Thank you for your message. I dated someone that my parents disliked and we had the same problem. He eventually tired of the strife and ended it.

 

It's commendable that you stood up for yourself and for her. I'm sorry it didn't work out in the end.