Please need help. Having hard time letting go

[kennieboi]

Hi everyone. Ok I have already posted here once before and this is my second time posting in this forum.

 

My ex-girlfriend had broken up with me about 3 months now after being together for 1.5 years. l couldn't understand why she would not want to be with me anymore. I say this because I treated her with respect and she meant everything to me.

 

Her reason for breaking up with me still till this day doesn't make me understand because she said that she no longer wanted a relationship and that it was her and not me. She said she wanted to be free of no obligations to anyone including me. She told me that this was the hardest thing she had to do. She even told me to let her go, but I told her that I couldn't because I loved her so much. She said that she didn't want to have to let me go. She also said that she wanted me in her life still and that she wanted to be friends and that it would still be the same. She assured me that everything would be ok.

 

So for a month after we officially broke up. We were seeing eachother. I would initiate contact and she would never call me because I wanted her back so bad. Each time I saw her it would still be the same as if we were going out. But I was started to get the feeling that she was distancing herself. But I keep getting my hopes ups because she would say that she loved me and cared for me.

 

After the last time I saw her, I thought that everything was ok. And one day I called her when she didn't call me for about 4 days and her guy friend was over there. Supposevly from Southern California visting her for a couple of days because she hasn't seen him for a long time. I knew about him but I never met this guy. I asked if I could meet him and she got offensive and asked why. I was feeling a bit jealous that maybe she and this guy had a thing for some time now and that she never told me. I mean was I overreacting? Then she told me that I shouldn't care and that we are no longer together anyways. I told her that is was not about him and that its about us. But in my mind he was part of the reason too because I thought that she probabli had replaced me so soon after telling me how much she cared for me and all. That was the last time I talked to her and that was it. She tore my heart into a million pieces.

 

Within the 3 months she had emailed me back after asking her for closure and that if she still loved me. She didn't give me a straight answer. She just said that "if it confuses you so much then I won't say that I love you" (even if I still do) I told her in the email that I couldn't be her friend because it hurts too much. She turns it around and tells me that "if pushing people away is your way of dealing with problems then so be it" " I won't force you to be my friend" What she said in the email is as if she just moved on so quickly and that I didn't mean anything to her. And after that email, I didn't hear from her again nor did I emailed her back.

 

I did the NC for for about a month or so and early December 04 she emailed me telling me how she was doing and how grateful she was and how she will always remember the things I've done for her and her family. She also asked me how I was and that it was ok if I didn't reply back to her. Well I replied back to her with a long email telling her how I felt and that she didn't leave me with closure. I was really happy and but at the same time really upset so I told her I have found out that she went clubbing with her girlfriend and also found out from my friend that she went to a rave with her suppose guyfriend. She was on Extasy and was holding hands with the guy. She told my friend to not let anyone know especially me. I don't know for sure if she's involved with him. She won't even tell me.

 

Anyways after that email, I didn't get a reply back or anything. I heard from another friend that she got really upset and that she thought I didn't write her that email and that she suspects that those words were influenced by my guy friends. I don't know if I should've told her how I felt and about what I found out, but all I wanted was closure. I've been thinking about her and missing her ever since. I just want to stop thinking about her and wishing her to come back to me despite her leaving without showing any kind of concern towards my feelings.

 

Last week my ex's parents stopped by my work to get an oil change. I was really happy to see them. They seemed happy to see me too. They told me that they stopped by the day before, but wasn't sure if I was working. I really missed them because they are like parents to me. And havn't seen them for over 2 months. I couldn't talk to them long because I had to work, but told me that they wanted to take me out to eat with them. Just the 3 of us. That made my day a whole lot better knowing that maybe at least the parents are thinking of me and came to visit me.

 

Today I have sent her another email saying this:

 

Did you receive the last email I sent you? If so why haven't you responded? I'm trying so hard to just leave you alone and I'm dying inside. The reason I keep emailing you is because I want know what you are feeling. I did everything I can to try and understand, but you won't let me understand. I will never get closure until you just tell me what's going on. You are not doing me a favor by just leaving it all behind like this. I thought I meant a lot to you.

 

Can you please just give me a straight answer? And why do you ignore me when I'm trying so hard to just get answers from you and you won't even talk to me. What happened about wanting to be friends with me? Part of me wants to let you go, but part of me want to stay. If you really loved me then at least tell me. Is it too much to ask? I promise this time that I will never bother you again. Just tell me that you don't love me anymore and that you want me to leave you alone and that you didn't want to be with me anymore. That's all I ask from you. If you don't reply to this email then I will know that you don't care about me or anything I said.

 

I emailed her last week telling her if she didn't want nothing to do with me then to let me know and I still havn't gottin a reply back so I emailed her this.

 

I'm so sorry guys for sounding so pathetic and making this post so long. I just want closure really bad and I feel as though I never got that closure. I can't help but missing her and thinking about her every single day for 3 months now. I tried so hard to keep myself busy, but I always end up being reminded by her. Why is it so hard for me to just let it go? And I want to know if I can get hypnotised or something to forget about her. Its just so hard. So if she doesn't email me back then I know I have to move on and shouldn't hold on anymore because its been awhile now. Any advice needed badly. PLEASE HELP! =(

[Hope75]

kennie,

 

I think at this point you have done all you can, and that her lack of response will have to be your closure.

 

It really sounds as though she has moved on. She may still have some feelings for you, but she had made her choice and is sticking to it, and that is not to be with you. I know it sucks but I hope that you can accept it and be able to move on.

 

Try to find peace with that and start over for yourself.

 

Best wishes.

[Guarana Galrok]

You are looking to yourself and to others for the conclusion to something that can only be handled by one person-her. She is the only person that can resolve this for you. I'd suggest being straight with her, visiting her in person, and discussing it until you feel you can move on. She at least owes you that, regardless of whether or not she cares about you. Stop making accusations and bring down your walls-release yourself to see her side and how she can help you. Good luck.

 

GG

[SandyD]

Hi, I´m really sorry to hear all of this has been happening to you. I´m sure others will offer you better advice, I just wanted to say a quick couple of things.

 

I don´t want you to feel even more hurt, but in my opinion this girl doesn´t love you. She probably feels bad for not loving you, and she might be too chicken to come clean about everything with you... but it seems like she worked everything out so she could be with someone else. And if she took ecstasy with this guy, you can bet they hooked up.

 

The reason I think she doesn´t love you anymore and wanted to hook up with the other guy is because you didn´t mention any problems the two of you might have been facing. It came as a shock to you that she wanted to break up, and all of a sudden there is some other guy around. You were right in being suspicious.

 

You should not be friends with this girl. She sounds immature and even cruel in demanding a friendship. Stop asking for closure. I don´t think you´re even truly asking for closure, you´re just checking in every once in a while to see if she has changed her mind. Go on and move on. If she changes her mind and decides to re-enter a relationship with you, she´ll find you. She´ll have a lot of explaining to do, and you can judge wether or not you want to be with someone who can just turn cold on a dime like that.

 

But do not be friends with her now. You will never be a true friend because you will want her as a girlfriend, things will get weird and messy if you do that. You´ll get hurt, jealous, your self-esteem will plummet. Be strong!!!!!

[kennieboi]

Hi SandyD. Thanks for your advice. Yeah my ex told my friend (girl) that she don't think that she ever loved me. That really crushed me because I gave my heart to her and to her that, It made me really sick. I trusted her with my heart and thought she was real to me. I guess I'm wrong about her. It is still hard eachday. Seems like it's never ending. You're also right that I should not try and be her friend because I still have feelings for her and that I will end up getting hurt all over again.

[kennieboi]

Please anymore more advice would be greatly appreciated. Does anyone know where I can seek help from a counselor. I'm in California in the Bay Area near San Francisco. Or am I making this harder on myself then it really is? I just need more of people's opinions and from maybe the ones who does the dumping perpective's and their stories.

[Mentor]

Does anyone know where I can seek help from a counselor.

 

Get a referral from your family doctor. If you are in school, the Health Service often offers free counselling. Sometimes work health plans provide access to therapists. You can also search on the internet for people in your area. If you are in danger of harming yourself, please go to the emergency room of your nearest hospital. They will help you there.

 

Take care.

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

Dun u realise that u had reap what u sow? U at first ignore her and went to find out things about her, then next u want her to respond to u and sent such a pleading letter to her. What is ur point? I dun think patching up should be this way.

 

If i were her, i find that whatever u wrote earlier and later are pureply nonsense. If u love her, u shld let her noe that u found out things about her, and worried about her and called to ask how things are. And leave her time to heal her wounds of hurt.

 

Currently there is nothing much u can do with a situation like that. If she wans to ignore u, there is nothing much u can make her respond. Pray for goodness of her and u will get some too.

[kennieboi]

Hey Prosper. I understand what you are saying, but I think you are kind of misunderstood my situation. I did not ignore her. I gave her space. She told me in her email that she was only one phone call away. I even tried to call her and I did talk to her for a minute and she told me that she would call me back, but she never did. I wanted to try and be her friend still because I wanted her in my life still. It seems as though she has moved on rather so quickly and what she said about loving me and caring for me just makes me wonder if it was all fake. How can someone fall out of love so quickly and bounce out?

 

She hasn't called, texted, asked about me. Nothing except for those emails she sent me as I mentioned. She sent 2 emails to me. Yes true I should leave her be, but how can I when someone tells you how much they love you and care for you and just bounce out without any word? How would you feel if you were in my situation. Don't you feel as though you need closure from the person that broke up with you? I'm not stalking her. I don't go to her house. I don't show up where she goes. I haven't even seen her. I don't try and find things out. I have friends that just tell me what's going on. And the things I found out because my friends thought it was the right thing that I knew. What's really killing me is that I thought I was the best thing she had and now I feel like i'm worthless. Like I was an object that keep her happy for awhile until she no longer needed me so that she could toss me aside.

 

Thanks for you advice, but I'm sorry I feel as though if you say that you really loved somebody and decide that you didn't want to be with that person then that person just needs to say that they no longer want to be with you because you no longer loved them anymore. Sounds really harsh, but at least that's the truth and yes the truth hurts. And that's what I just want. She could at least have the decency to consider for my feelings if she thought I was so important in her life. She's not doing me any favors when she's the one that says she wants me in her life yet she doesn't want to be in any relationship.

 

I'm guessing since she's only 21 still and girls these days don't want to commit yet. She wants to have fun without feeling guilty being with me. I never hurt her or cheated on her. I was there for her when she needed me most. I was completely faithful to her. And what do I get out of it?

[lilred]

So sorry to hear about your heartache....to be honest w/ you i think that she was cheating on you---or was starting to fall in love w/ another guy when you were still going out---and now that she has this "new guy" around her heart is w/ him--and not with you. I know that this sounds cruel--but i was once a cheating gf--and i know i broke my bf's heart--but i didn't give a crap at that time--since i had someone else new and exciting i never realized the heartache and pain that i caused him since i was too self-involved w/ myself (and the new guy)

---in retrospect i acted like a total b*tch--and it took me awhile to realize this--and i think that your ex will know this too--even if you guys never get back together ---hopefully she can be a bigger person and apologize to you in the future ( it took me two years!--so i wouldn't hold my breath for now)--she has a lot of growing up to do in the mean time

Until then--all i can say is hang in there--and if you feel like you can't handle it--definetly seek professional help --e.g. your primary care physician--maybe he can prescribe you an anti-depressant--stay strong!!