4 Weeks NC - Figuring out how I feel

[star554]

Exactly four weeks ago to this day, I showed up at my ex's (of one week) door only to find he'd already moved on. Who knows? Perhaps he'd moved on even sooner but I just didn't know. Right away, I initiated no contact and, no, he's made no attempt to get in touch with me. I don't know if they're dating or not, and frankly, it doesn't matter - nor do I want to know anymore.

 

I know I'm not okay. I'm trying my best, of course! But I can't get over something that meant so much to me so fast - gahhh... I'd love to know how he did it. But until about 5pm today I really thought I was in fact okay. I was sitting at my desk at work also listening to music. And then that song "Say Something, I'm giving up on you" started playing on my iPod. And I dunno if y'all go through this, or if its just me. But I swear, I feel like every breakup song is like written for me. And I cried, right there, no warning... just tears. Lol, lucky for me my desk faces my monitor and no one could actually see my face. In conclusion, yah yah, I'm not okay... not even close.

 

But at the same time, I'm definitely not where I was a month ago. I was a total wreck! I'm a little headstrong and stubborn so I did not contact him but I cried like all the time. And I do cry (obviously), but luckily a little less. I'm beginning to take my rose coloured glasses off and see that that relationship wasn't going anywhere - it was toxic and I like myself a lot better now than I did when I was in it (which is a huge sign). I'm starting to rebuild my self esteem in baby steps. And best of all, I can say I'm looking forward to my future, and not a future where we magically end up together. I can see myself in India (where I've always wanted to go), finishing my workout regime, feeling/looking better than I ever have in my life, returning to college next september after my internship finishes, saving up enough to buy that Prius I have my eye on lol and seeing all my incredibly supportive friends.

 

I'm trying to reflect on how I feel because I have achieved something I didn't think was at all possible a month ago and I'm proud. I know the journey won't be easy going forward and I expect to run into some major hurdles along the way - I'm sure the crying at my desk wasn't an isolated incident. But overall, I really do think I'm progressing... slowly but surely.

 

So thank you to all the ENAers. Seriously, it was you guys that gave me the advice to go NC! I am hopeful, that one day, even if its not anytime soon... I'll be over this.

[Flyer79]

I'm sorry to hear how your relationship did end. Makes mine ending (5 weeks ago) seem a walk in the park compared to what you have had to face and deal with.

 

Just keep keeping on hey. Life goes on, we will all get there

[mishka329]

Me too. I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my heart that got broken and thrown to the side. I'm starting NC even though it's been several months for me... I'm going for true NC now. Stay strong! I know I'm better than when I started too, but no where near being "good" or "great".

[star554]

Mishka, it's sooo tough and it doesn't get easier right away! But keep at it Good luck to you!