Conventional Relationship to LDR not working out

[IDer89]

Hi all,

 

I'm in a bit of a rough patch with my SO and I'm looking for some understanding eyes/ears from people that have been/are in similar situations.

 

The back story is that I met my SO at a party in the UK at the start of our final year of university in 2011. I am a Brit and she is an American that did her entire degree in the UK. We spent the remainder of that year building our relationship in to the loving and committed one that it became. We got through the stresses of completing our degrees together and after we graduated in 2012 we wanted to remain in the UK but they stopped allowing graduates visas to international students. So she moved back to the States and a month or so later I went with her with the intention of finding work and a visa.

 

It's been a long road and lots of doors closed in my face but I managed after five months in the US on a tourist visa (2 months in, 2 weeks out, 3 months in) to secure a year long internship visa from June 2013 to July 2014. I was unable to secure a longer visa which would allow me to stay in the US for 3 years initially and then extend for another 3 due to the high number of applicants for available spaces this April just gone.

 

As you can see this has forced us to take our conventional relationship and turn it in to an LDR which we are struggling to do. We often talked about spending the rest of our lives together, but if things had remained conventional we wouldn't get married for another couple of years. Now I know we both could get married so I could stay but she doesn't want to as her parents wouldn't approve.

 

This brings us to present day and things aren't going so well. We might be on the verge of breaking up, unless we already have done and I'm not clear about it. She says that she isn't happy and doesn't feel that it is practical to continue a relationship whilst we are apart and that there is no definite end goal in place. Everything relies on me getting a work in April 2015 when they open up again but if it was like this year, it seems unlikely.

 

She still loves me but says that she feels lonely and almost single, like we aren't in a relationship. It's hard to hear as it has only been a month that we have been apart. In my opinion love conquers all and we have been through so much as a couple in our almost three years together. We've been there through tough times together from university, stress induced illness, illnesses resulting in overnight hospital stays, job hunting, work stresses, family problems. We've also had many happy times together from vacations to exotic locations, seeing incredible performances, enjoying meals in amazing restaurants. As well as the usual comfort that comes with a relationship from just kicking back enjoying a meal at home, watching TV, going for walks.

 

She's missing the "conventional" side and I get that, I miss it to. But the thought of not having her at all literally cripples me and I am unable to focus. I don't want to lose her because if I hadn't been forced to move back home this wouldn't be happening. I don't know how we could remain friends after becoming so intertwined in each others lives. If we broke up I'd have to cut all ties with her because I know that I still love her and that I couldn't be apart of her life knowing that we aren't in a relationship.

 

Can anyone help at all? Communicating as much as I'd like has been a little hard whilst I'm home. I'm looking for a job where as she is continuing her life just minus me. She gets busy which I get but sometimes it feels like the only time she wants to talk to me is when she's stressed and needs to vent. It's been rough but I don't want to lose her or us.

[IDer89]

I also wanted to add that I do feel incredibly lonely at the moment and struggling to pick myself and get my life somewhat back on track. Apart from her I don't really have anyone to talk to. For almost three years we have been inseparable and have been best friends. I've never had a huge social group but the people I am friends with are ones that stick around and I am incredibly loyal too. She has been the first person that truly gets me and wants to spend time with me. She would often remark that she can get irritated by other people but I'm someone whom she never gets annoyed with.

 

This road block/hurdle of being forced apart has taken its toll on me. She has had to cut a few people out of her life for various reasons and it can be brutal. I'm scared she's going to do the same to me when all that I have done wrong is had the wrong passport.

[mhowe]

Well, as you can see, love does not conquer all. Physical distance often causes emotional distance and lack of "end in sight" can be very depressing.

 

I think it is time to widen your social circle. You have become dependent on the relationship for too much --- and it is unrealistic for someone else to be

your everything.