People aways leave

[Cherry009]

Now i am talking about friends and guys, I have noticed a pattern & don't understand it. How and why do so called friends juat decide one day that they don't want to talk to you anymore? I had a friend a year or so ago who was always calling me her best friend, she told me one day i would be her bridesmaid, after 2 years of friendship pooof shes gone, just started acting distant and now not spoken for a year! I was a great friend to her, always there when she needed me & was always a great listener to her. I suspect the main reason is because once she got her new boyfriend she felt she didnt need me as a support anymore (she was a mistress to a man, he eventally left his wife for her but it took a LONG time & it used to get her down)

 

Friend no. 2 has just recently done the same thing, we went away for a few months together and yes at times things got a bit tense but they would after being in each othera pockets day in day out, she showed quite a controlling/bossy side to her which i tried to ignore for the sake of the trip, i am not so bothered about the lack of contact we have now as i felt i saw a different side to her while we were away, however i just found out she is meeting up with some of our friends and not inviting me, we always used to meet as a group before. It is the principal of it that annoys me, that she would just stop making an effort/contact with me when i have been a great friend to her. She is another girl who has always said through out the friendship how i am her 'best friend' & doesnt get on with anyone as well as me etc.

 

There are other instances in my life where friends have just stopped talking to me, like these two twins i used to hang out with all the time, they both had children around the same time & then just froze me out, for no reason.

 

My dating life hasn't been much better, every guy i have ever met & liked has ended it after between 3-6 months, yep i know thays the time people realise whether they want it to turn into a relationship or not but seriously...every single one....im my 12 years of dating life?! I am a great friend/girlfriend, loyal, reliable, fun etc but being nice seems to get you no where!!!!! I just dont understand why people come into my life and leave again. I seem to attract people with issues, not really sure what i am asking here but just wanted to rant. I feel sad that people can just throw away friendships at the drop of a hat & not care.

 

Thanks for listening

[missmarple]

You either attract people with issues (and stay around them long after you should have left) or you're just too nice for your own good. You don't have to be a b**** but people don't appreciate people who always say yes.

[Tarkan]

Friendships stop existing when they don't serve a purpose anymore. It makes no sense to keep a friendship alive just for the sake of being friends. That's for example, why I deleted hundreds of people from my Facebook page a year ago. I too have, like your friends, suddenly stopped being friends with certain people in my life. I'm not always too proud about the way I did it, but I had my reasons. Of course, I will probably be labeled as a bad friend, but I would have to disagree. Again, I am a great friend to my real friends, but I have a hard time to keep friendships without purpose. You are friends with someone because something keeps you together in the first place ( work, hobby's, long lasting friendship, family, ... ). Here are a few stories about friends I didn't want to be friends with anymore.

 

The first time was 10 years ago with a work colleague. We used to go out together allot, mainly to discotheques or other places where you could party. It was period in my life where I was very depressive, in search for love and identity. I thought I needed that kind of social life and tried to fit in. I never liked this in the first place, but tried to go along. I didn't like the music, I didn't like the discotheques and I certainly didn't like the people over there. Guess I was too coward to really tell him the time. After the parties, who would endlessly ramble about how he's unlucky in love, how he doesn't trust women etc. He was also a very insecure and controlling friend. Towards me and his girlfriends. As years went by, I started to make new friends, get a less shallow life and have new plans in my life, while he kept begging for going to discotheques. I eventually figured out the he mostly wanted me as a wing-man. He got really angry when I told him I like to spend times with other friends sometimes and he got even more angry when I didn't propose to join up with some of my friends. I'm sorry, but there are friends that I don't introduce to each other as they have NOTHING in common. He started to figure out I was done with him and his shallow ways and the friendship died out.

 

 

Another story is with a woman. We used to be friends because we shared so many common interests ( arts, games, ... ). I could also have long and interesting conversations with her about any subject. She was the first real female friend I had in my life. I usually spent time at her place, without doing allot of other activities with her. Also met allot of her friends. The time I spent there wasn't really an issue with my first girlfriend but it was for my second girlfriend. At the point where I just couldn't name my friend in front of her, or even talk on the phone without starting a huge argument. It was the fault of my girlfriend and I should've broken up with her for that, but my love for her at the time had the better part of me. As time went by, I also realized that allot of this friend's habits were actually annoying me. She was jobless and proud of it, had sudden anger bursts, complained about allot but did very few to solve her problems, fed of the system, complained of how few money she had but spent 300 dollars a month on pot, etc ...

The longer I knew her, the more she tried to drag me down with her into her ty lifestyle. I got fed up with this, with her causing trouble and started ignoring her calls, hoping that she would figure out.

 

I've had some other friendships stopping because I didn't like what those people were doing in their life, or because they were creating trouble. Usually, this happened with women I met when I was single, whom I had romantic interests with. I just don't want to have them around when I have a girlfriend.

 

The reason why you don't hear anything about your "friends" leaving, is because it's very painful to explain to someone the reasons behind ending a friendship. It's just super awkward to tell people that "you can't be friends anymore because of x". In the end, all those people I left didn't really matter to me. They did at some point, because it served a purpose, because there was a reason. But when I look back at those friendships, they weren't as intimate or profound as with my best friends. The friendships that last the longest in my opinion, are the really long-term friendships. You can't just wave those away. All the rest is just coming in and coming out of your life.

 

When I think about it, I should maybe have 10 friends on Facebook. That's the real amount of real friends I have. The others are just acquaintances.

 

Don't worry about people leaving. That's how it goes. They weren't the "best" friends to begin with and they have their own reasons.

[GodsChosen]

It just may be that you are nice. I have the same issue. I noticed that i tend to attract people with issues. Its because they need you. Once they dont anymore they go on living life while you are stuck and confused. If the same applies for you than the niceness wont change. Its in your DNA. Instead continue being you but dont allow yourself to be used or drained because you are that good of a person. And another thing its ok to not talk to someone everyday or be with them every day. Its ok to be independent and self sufficient. As far as the guys....thats dating. If it doesnt work out than you try again and again and again.

[GodsChosen]

I was like this a few years ago. You will be fine and life will always be good to you.

[Cherry009]

Thanks for your replies, the 2nd girl i mentioned is someone who I did consider my best friend for 16 years, in reality she has changed over the years, like I said- shes become bossy and a control freak so on reading your experiences I am the one feeling like I am gaining nothing from the friendship anymore with her, perhaps shes realised we are different too. I have no time for fake, rude, controlling people, which sadly she has become, now I just worry she is freezing me out to our other friends that don't see that side of her, ughhhh.

[Cherry009]

It just may be that you are nice. I have the same issue. I noticed that i tend to attract people with issues. Its because they need you. Once they dont anymore they go on living life while you are stuck and confused. If the same applies for you than the niceness wont change. Its in your DNA. Instead continue being you but dont allow yourself to be used or drained because you are that good of a person. And another thing its ok to not talk to someone everyday or be with them every day. Its ok to be independent and self sufficient. As far as the guys....thats dating. If it doesnt work out than you try again and again and again.

 

Thanks, yep as I get older I realise you can only rely on yourself and no one else, I don't want to change so screw them hehe

[Tarkan]

Just remember that there is no shame in ending "friendships". As I said, friendships bind people around a certain purpose. It's mutually beneficial. When it stops being like that, there is no reason to be friends anymore. As people change over the years, the reason behind a friendship can change too. That's why I became better friends with certain people I didn't suspect I would ever be friends with, and became less of a friend towards others.

 

If you don't feel happy in a friendship, it's probably not a good friendship.

[Jean-Luc]

Just remember that there is no shame in ending "friendships". As I said, friendships bind people around a certain purpose. It's mutually beneficial. When it stops being like that, there is no reason to be friends anymore. As people change over the years, the reason behind a friendship can change too. That's why I became better friends with certain people I didn't suspect I would ever be friends with, and became less of a friend towards others.

 

If you don't feel happy in a friendship, it's probably not a good friendship.

 

I would agree. This may seem negative however but I've noticed that the majority of people seem to only be friends with other people who offer some great benefit to them. It doesn't really seem like people are friends with people because they like them as a person but rather because that person has something to offer to them. That's why I think that once you lose that and/or circumstances change people drop you at the dime of a hat. I think there is so many other people out there that people really don't see any reason to hang around once there is no benefit from it. I also think that's why there doesn't seem to be any long lasting friendships or relationships either. Things change or you make a mistake and that's it.

[hodgeheg]

Hey cherry, I don't have any advice as such, but just to say that I sometimes feel the same.

 

I also think that Tarkan is right. I believe that the majority of friendships are formed because of something in common, if that isn't there anymore, then the friendship also ends.

 

I have a few childhood friends who I think (hope) will always be around. They're the kind of friends who I don't see or talk much to for a couple of months (live far apart these days), but when we do catch up nothing about our friendship has changed.

 

I'm in a transitional period in life (graduated a year ago) and my friends are changing too, I think you just have to learn to be okay with that.

 

As for dating, I guess it never works out until finally it does. Just have to be patient and persevere with dating.