Confessed my feelings to a male friend many years later-need opinions and advice

[Applepear12]

I was really good friends with him in college at one point, did a lot together. though I had a strong attraction to him, we never actually dated. Then he did a stupid thing, he cut off all ties with his friends including me because of some girl he was infatuated with at the time. I was very upset because I lost a really good friend, it was even harder because I don't have too many people in my life

Fast forward 9 years, we r friends on fb now, we found each other on there bout 3 yrs ago and talk once in a while, but he lives in another state. He did tell me back then it was all bad timing and then suddenly he started talking dirty to me, a little sexual, I did too, but nothing huge. He asked me a bunch of personal stuff to, which I told him. He did say something about moving to a place around this time.

He initiated it...anyway, after about 2 weeks of talking I came out and finally told him how I felt- that he was important to me and I was upset because of our falling out, I told him that throughout the years I thought of him once in a while wondering what became of him.( I maybe shouldn't have said this but I told him I tried to find him in different ways-through email,ect) I said I guarentee no strings attached ( I should have said no expectations but wrote that instead) but I wanted him to know how I felt all those years.

Then after a few days he wrote " I understand, I've been busy unpacking the past few days, ttul"

And that was about 3 weeks ago and that was the last he said something to me. I'm wondering if I'll hear from him again, i didn't mean to freak him out if I did, I actually thought what I wrote would be a little meaningful to him, but who knows...

[mhowe]

The difference between "no strings" which means sex with no commitment and "no expectations" which means dating and see where it goes.

 

Also --- you scolded him for the "falling out".

 

You don't have a relationship --- you are FB friends.

 

It is 9 years since you were friends. He has just moved....so I don't think being in touch with you is a huge priority and I also don't think he is looking to start something with you.

[Applepear12]

The difference between "no strings" which means sex with no commitment and "no expectations" which means dating and see where it goes.

 

Also --- you scolded him for the "falling out".

 

You don't have a relationship --- you are FB friends.

 

It is 9 years since you were friends. He has just moved....so I don't think being in touch with you is a huge priority and I also don't think he is looking to start something with you.

 

Well I didn't add that he said he did take full responsibility for the falling out. Also forgot to add he is obviously no longer with that girl, that's been over for years. I'm just wondering what he might be thinking if he is thinking anything bout what I said

[mhowe]

Fine --- he took responsibility for the falling out and she is long since gone.

 

I don't think he is thinking anything. You are FB friends. It is 9 years....life goes on.

If he were thinking anything, you would have heard from him in the last 3 weeks.

 

He is busy with his new place, new job, new friends.

 

While nostalgia is nice ---- it is just that. Reviewing the past.

[Applepear12]

Fine --- he took responsibility for the falling out and she is long since gone.

 

I don't think he is thinking anything. You are FB friends. It is 9 years....life goes on.

If he were thinking anything, you would have heard from him in the last 3 weeks.

 

He is busy with his new place, new job, new friends.

 

While nostalgia is nice ---- it is just that. Reviewing the past.

 

Well thank u for your opinion, i don't have expectations, just one of those things were you in a way get lead on, confess your true feelings then suddenly get left up in the air lol.

[mhowe]

You do have expectations --- you think by telling him how you felt all these years, that he would have read it and responded with something more than he did.

 

He didn't lead you on....you are FB friends.

 

And if he doesn't share those true feelings, then continuing to be in contact....that would be leading you on.

Hence, he has gone silent.

 

BTW....how far away does he live from you now?

[Applepear12]

You do have expectations --- you think by telling him how you felt all these years, that he would have read it and responded with something more than he did.

 

He didn't lead you on....you are FB friends.

 

And if he doesn't share those true feelings, then continuing to be in contact....that would be leading you on.

Hence, he has gone silent.

 

BTW....how far away does he live from you now?

 

Well he lives one state away, but he actually mentioned to me a few weeks ago he wanted to meet up with me, but that was before I told him how I felt

[mhowe]

I think your confession changed the dynamic.

[Applepear12]

I think your confession changed the dynamic.

 

Ok. Yeah I'm thinking maybe I scared him off , but oh well, least I had the courage to tell him

[mhowe]

Yup...and you wouldn't have known that without telling him.

 

So...onwards and upwards.

[notalady]

Ok. Yeah I'm thinking maybe I scared him off , but oh well, least I had the courage to tell him

 

I think you should have waited till you met in person and actually see what had become of him, hung out at least a few more time to reconnect, before you said those things. If it was necessary to say it at all. If things were going well, you could simply treat it as a new relationship rather than rehashing your old feelings for him.

 

Anyway! If he's interested in reconnecting, he'll get in contact again. But don't hold your breath!

[Applepear12]

I think you should have waited till you met in person and actually see what had become of him, hung out at least a few more time to reconnect, before you said those things. If it was necessary to say it at all. If things were going well, you could simply treat it as a new relationship rather than rehashing your old feelings for him.

 

Anyway! If he's interested in reconnecting, he'll get in contact again. But don't hold your breath!

 

Yes, ur right. And I actually decided not to talk to him anymore unless he decides to contact me. It is funny how generally speaking men just pull away or disappear once true feelings are revealed-not just my story but I have heard of others

[mhowe]

You are talking about a 9 year disconnect....or at least only the last 2 years were FB and not likely to meet up.

 

Men don't pull away unless there is a reason to....and you guys were just internet pen pals.

[notalady]

You are talking about a 9 year disconnect....or at least only the last 2 years were FB and not likely to meet up.

 

Men don't pull away unless there is a reason to....and you guys were just internet pen pals.

 

I agree. And I wouldn't say men generally pull away when true feelings are revealed. If they have no intention to get serious with you, yea they might do that. And in this case, you are just friends, maybe some flirting online but you are not even dating. If he doesn't want to date you, and realise you have feelings for him, it's no surprise he will want to distance himself.

[IvanTheTerribl]

Hey. You're right, this is similar to my story albeit with some key differences. One thing I'm sorry to say is that you waited too long. My friend ended the friendship and mostly cut ties several months ago. I decided to reveal my true feelings and be honest now instead and letting it go for a few years and constantly wondering "what if." As much as it sucks to know that she's not going to be in my future at all, it's better to know now and have that closure I guess. It took me quite a bit of courage and nerve to not only pour my heart out in a letter but to meet with her face to face and tell her how I feel, fully aware that the feelings will never be reciprocated. She gave me props for that and even though I may have made her uncomfortable now, I'm sure she appreciates me not letting it go for a decade and then springing it on her down the road.

 

I've gone through enough in my life to turn me into a damn philosopher. I'm a completely straight guy but I'll admit that I'm much more in touch with my feminine side and emotions that most men. Even a macho man will pull away and distance himself from a friendship though if the feelings just aren't there. I think it's human nature.

 

In the future, it's crucial to make your intentions and feelings for someone known or obvious from the very beginning. I believe someone in this thread may have mentioned Ladder Theory. I would agree, it's worth reading up on. link removed I don't feel that it just applies to women.

 

In my situation, I would have made my feelings for her known in the beginning if it had worked like that. [And likely I would have been rejected from the start and wouldn't have become friends with her.] But I came to become her friend in large part because she started dating a guy I became best friends and roommates with. We were 3 best friends through their relationship. It wasn't until after he completely dumped her that we became closer and I started to realize my feelings for her. It was a very unusual situation that unfortunately for me didn't end happily.

 

The advice I can offer you is this: take it as a life lesson and appreciate that past. If you can still be friends with him and you both want to maintain a friendship, then accept that and appreciate it. I not only don't have a chance with her as a romantic partner but now the best friendship I ever had is completely gone. But at least I can say I tried. I was honest and I opened my heart.