3 months and still confused of why Ex-girlfriend dumped me

[kennieboi]

Hi everyone. This is my first time posting on this site so please bear with me. This will be a long post. Thank you for reading.

 

I am 23 years old and my ex is 21. We were together for about 1.5 years and waited to ask her out after 3 months when I met her. I met her at a club when one of my friend (girl) invited me to a club. I asked for her number and I called her a few days later. We connected realli quickly and after a few weeks or so we already had sex. It happened all so fast. And I started to really like this girl. In the beggining she told me that she didn't want to be in a relationship and so I just keep pursuing her until I finally asked her out after 3 months. Anyways we got along really well and I met her parents and she met mine also. Her parents really loved me and my parents also liked her. I always went over to her house and we couldn't stop seeing eachother.

 

She had told me that she already loved me when she texted me the first month and I was really surprised. It didn't take much longer for me to start feeling like I loved her too. I cared about this girl with all my heart and did everything for her. She got a receptionist job at Ethan Allen and I drove her hella far just so she could get her interview. And when she got the job I would always drive her to work when her parents couldn't take her to work and I would also pick her up at work. Sometimes I would take her to work and wait for her for 4 hours to get off and then pick her up again because it would be a waste of gas money to come all the way back. She could have taken the train back home, but I didn't want her to take it home at night because its around a bad neighborhood and plus it was at night.

 

So I would always change my schedule so that I could pick her up. I did that for over a 1 year and that started to takes its toll. So I told her that she needs to start driving. I helped her get a car and a permit, but she always let her younger sister borrow the car because her excuse was that her younger sister needed the car more cuz she have work and school. I'm thinking ok "no you need the car more cuz you have work and school also" and so she would get mad at me. She would always complain to me that she knows she needs a license and she knows she's handicapped cuz she can't drive. But I never pushed her to get her license. I was always being patient with her.

 

Her sister ended blowing the car motor so she no longer had a car. She never even really used it to practise driving. And so her permit had expired. So again I had to take her to get her permit again. She keep promising me that she will get her license by summer and she always keeps putting it off. I really felt neglected because I did everything I could to help her out and she still complains and makes me drive her around. I don't even mind driving her around. Its just that I wanted her to be more independent.

 

Anyways after being there for her and loving her even though she didn't consider for my feelings I still keep by her side because I really loved her and cared for her. I was so sincere to her and was always there for her no matter what. This year in October Labor day is when she broke up with me. She told me that she no longer wanted a relationship and she felt it was a burden. She said she wanted to finish school, travel, etc without feeling the obligation being in a relationship. She told me that she still loved me and cared for me and that she still wanted me in her life, but as friends. I told her that if she lets me go then just let me go completely cuz I loved her too much.

 

We were sitting in the car in front of her house and were crying our eyes out. I tried to be strong but it was hurting so much. She said goodbye to me and tried to kiss me but I turned away and she kissed me on the cheeks. Well before that, She told me that she wanted a break cuz of some fight that we had. I don't even remember what we fought about, but thats when she started crying and saying that she didn't want to hurt me and all. She said that we are still together and still the same, but she needed some space. So I respected her wishes and I gave her space. During that time she never called me to say hi or how I was doing. I always ended up calling her and asking her if I could see her and that I missed her.

 

And so I would go to her house and everything would seem ok. All of the sudden one day she told me that she was going to visit one of her best friends from her native land who was her classmate and she happened to find her through Friendster or someting. And she told me that her 2 guy friends were going also. So I was ok I'm cool with that. Before she told me she was going over to visit her friend. I remember her asking me about one of her guy friends that he wanted to know what kind of oil his car takes. She told me that it was a Infiniti and I told her that he should just come by my work and I would just hook him up with a oil change. She just say "Oh no he was just wondering" Keep in mind that I never met these friends of hers. Anyways she got picked up by her guy friends and went over there.

 

She told me before she left on the phone that she was going to call me when she got there. I waited for her call and she never called me that night. The next day I asked her why she didn't call and she said that her phone died. I always got upset at her because she always forgets to charge her phone or have it on in case I could contact her. Well she got upset at me and told me that she was sorry and that she was busy having fun so she forgot her phone was off or dead. I called her another day and I asked her what she was going to do that day. She told me that they were gunna go drink and swim. In my mind i'm thinking okay there's her friend and 2 of her guy friends + Alcohol + hottub and what does that equal? I don't care if they are her friends.

 

If they are guys and they are friends with girls. They might be thinking they might get lucky or whatever when there's alcohol around. She got really pissed at me and told me that I ruined her trip and that why she have to feel obligated to call me when she's just taking time off to see her friends. She told me that even her parents didn't call her. I don't know she could be lying to me. But I don't know. So I told her that I won't call her anymore and that she should just have fun. So for 4 days she was gone and when she got back she didn't call me to let me know. So I called her house and her older sister picked up the phone and told me that she would have her call me back. I went online and I saw her on so I instant messaged her.

 

I asked her why she didn't call me and she told me that she couldn't use the phone cuz her sister is using it. Well we chatted on the AIM instant messeger and I asked her how was the trip and all. Then I told her that I felt really upset that she didn't call me to check up on me and that when I tried to call her, she would never pick up even if i left messages. She really got pissed off this time. She told me that why she is always having to be obligated to call me and stuff. Well of course I would worried if I don't even know her friends and she was far away from me. What boyfriend wouldn't care right?

 

I called her on the phone and so she started talking about breaking up and she started crying and I started crying too. She told me to let her go, but I told her that I loved her too much to let her go. She told me to make my decision or else she had no choice to dump me. I kinda sorta said ok, but i didn't want to. I never told her that I wanted to break up with her. Well after I hung up with her I saw her that day and it seem like everything was ok again. For about a month after the breakup, I would call her to say hi and we would see eachother and even have sex everytime we saw eachother. But she would never call me I would always have to call her.

 

The last time I saw her, it seems as though everything was ok and maybe things will work out again. And so I waited like 4-5 days and still no call from her. So I called her and I asked her what she was doing. She told me that her guy friend (Richard) was over and that he was just playing video games. She sounded really annoyed that I called her. I just told her that I wanted to say Hi and wanted to talk to her. I got kinda pissed and wondering why her friend was over. She told me that he's just visiting for a couple of days. I'm like what the hell? This guy friend of hers is supposevly from LA and why would he come all the way down here to see her? She went on sayin that he was over for her dad's b-day and that he cooked for him.

 

I got really jealous for that the fact that I wasn't even there for her dads b-day. She got really pissed off at me again and saying this is why we are no longer together and blah blah blah. She said that she always see's me and that she don't see her friend all the time. He's just visiting. She went ahead and said that why am I even jealous cuz we are no longer together. I started to cry cuz she sounded cold to me and that I should move on and that I'm stronger than this. I said ok I won't call you anymore this time. She told me to go hang out with my friends.

 

So after that I didn't call her or saw her until 2 weeks later I emailed her how I felt and that she didn't give me closure. She sorta just left me hanging and I was questioning her love for me. She replied back saying *sigh* ken ken ken...i find it hard to understand how such a sensitive guy like you can have such a narrow view of love. you ought to know by now that love isn't something that is ONLY shared between a boyfriend and a girlfriend. Love can go on even outside a relationship. If it confuses you so much then I won't tell you that I love you (even if I still do). Outside a relationship, love becomes unconditional because then ones perspective of the other person changes, you see the person in a whole new light...sometimes in a harsher light, but regardless the love is still there. Outside a relationship, one loses it's rose-colored view of the world, you see things as it is and it is your choice if you choose to still love what is left when all that is left is the harsh truth. Love comes in different forms and the reason you're confused is because you only know OF one. I haven't called you since that night because I have a feeling that I've been giving you mixed signals. Also, that night left me feeling that no matter how much I explain myself to you, you'll always see things your way. You will always have selective hearing (hearing only what you think you're supposed to hear) and you will always think that people are always hurting you. Change is one of the hardest things to cope with, but it happens and you have to learn how to deal with it. If you really dont want me to be your friend, then I'm not gunna force you, that's your choice. If pushing things and people away is your way of dealing with problems, then so be it. However, if you need me i'm only one phone call away. I apologize for the way things worked out (or didn't work out), and I hope one day we can rekindle our friendship because it was a good one. Take care.

 

I was really devestated to her to just reply to me back like that. I felt as though our relationship didn't mean s**t to her. She expects me to just be friends just like that? I told her that I can't be cuz it hurts too much. I made one final attempt to make things work so I called her a week later at her new job. I didn't know it was her first day there. I even got her the application for her and that's how she got the job at the mall. She answered and I told her that I really needed to talk to her and she said that she couldn't talk and that she would talk to me later. I asked her to call me later that night.

 

And she never called me back. For several months I had been really depressed and I even stopped going to school but managed to still take my final exams. I don't even know if I'll pass my classes. I was always going out and turning to my friends. They were there for me practically everyday. I never really understood why she would let me go. I was so sincere to her and gave her everything that she needed. I never cheated. never tried to holler at other girls. I loved her with all my heart. But in the end I get burned and left with nothing. One of my homegirls is friends with her too and she hung out with her and she would tell me that my ex seemed like she was doing fine and that she didn't seem like she was hurting as bad as me. She told me that my ex even said that she thinks that she never really loved me.

 

My ex started hanging out with one of my close guy friend's ex girlfriend who messed him over, with her ex boyfriend. She lied to him and was seeing her ex while they were going out. I'm sorta friends with her too. My homegirl told me that they went clubbing and and hung out a lot. I was really upset that she could all of the sudden go out and have fun going clubbing and probabli meeting other guys when she told me herself that she didn't want another relationship and that she wanted to find herself. One time I kicked it with my homegirl and also my friends ex-girlfriend.

 

We went out to get coffee and my friends ex gets a phone call. She started saying things like "oh you can't spend the night but you can stay in your car outside" "you can just pee in the bush" All of the sudden she says "Oh are you with **** (ex)?" My homegirl and I look at eachother and wondered if we just heard that.. My homegirl asked her if it was a guy or girl. She just said it was just a friend. She said that my ex was just home and that she couldn't come out. And so later I dropped her off and guess wut? There was a guy sitting in the car waiting for her. The next morning when I woke up. I realized that the car was a goldish color Infiniti. It made since to me now that it was Richard who was there. And why would he be there? Later I also found out from my other guy friend that he saw my ex at a Rave during Holloween holding hands with another guy while she was on extasy.

 

Who knows wut happened that night. He decribed to me that it was a tall asian and scruffed up ugly looking guy. She told my friend right away after she asking my friend to not let me know about this. I remember her tellin me that her Richard friend was tall. It all started to make since now. And my friends ex-girlfriend was hiding it from me and not telling me. I haven't called her to saw her ever since till she emailed me early December telling me that she was greatful for everyting that I did for her and her family and that she was always remember. She told me that I taught her a lot. She started talking about how great her new job was going and that she was saving money for a car now and blah blah blah. She told me that I didn't have to reply and to take care and to update her on whats going on with me.

 

I felt really happy that she finally emailed me, but at the same time I had to tell her how I felt and that I knew things about her and what she was doing. So I emailed her back a few days later and till now I havn't heard from her since. In the letter I was really angry and told her everything how I felt. After sending the email, a few days later my friends ex-girlfriend all of the sudden instant messaged me telling me how upset she was that I was indirectly stating that I was calling her a hoe. When what I really mean by was that her and my ex are hanging out a lot and that they share common interest that's all. I don't even know why she's thinking that, but I told her that I didn't mean it that way. Then my homegirl was checking my friends ex's Xanga site and she wrote a bunch of crap about me and she even had the quote of what I said about her in the email that I sent to my ex.

 

I felt really bad that I had to get her in the mix, but I was really angry and just expressing my feelings towards my ex. But I know I shouldn't have including her because I said that she was so great at lying to people and that she couldn't hide from people. She really does have a reputation for lying cuz she did lie to my guy friend and she lost alot of friends when they found out she was lying to them too. She said really harsh things about me saying that I was a dumb f***k and this and that and that people shouldn't talk because they don't know when they are only assuming things.

 

Well later that night I imed her and I told her that I was sorry and that it should've just been between me and my ex. She also was sorry for posting stuff about me on her website. So we sorta squashed it. I'm still careful around her because I know not to trust her so much. I just didn't want to fight with her. I also found out that my ex thought that I did't write her the email and that she thinks that my friends influenced me to write it. My homegirl told my friends ex that I wrote the email myself and that my friends were just there for me. I don't understand why she would be so upset at the letter cuz I just told her what I felt and that she didn't consider for my feelings.

 

I'm so sorry everyone if you read this long post. I just really need your guy's input on why this happenend to me? Please any advise needed. If someone went through someting likes this. Maybe from a girls perpective of why you would leave a good guy when you tell them that you love them still and care for them and just leave them without proper closure.

 

Why am I still missing her and still care for after finding out these things. And is she not calling me because she wants me to move on or she realli doesn't want to hurt me more? Did I do anything wrong to deserve something like this? Will she ever realize that she left something good?

 

I don't understand why she would leave a good thing. My guess is that she just left me cuz she got bored of me cuz i gave her everything and she wanted to explore. I am doing all I can to keep myself busy and doing the NO CONTACT. And today I just sent a Christmas card to her family just because I cared for them.

[Caldus]

Goodness...

 

You have got to form more paragraphs in that post. It's very difficult to read when a lot of it is all in one paragraph.

[kalshane]

Ay man, don't apologize for long posts. I get more out of the situation that way, anyone else? O.k. After reading it all, I get this "I'll be your daddy" kinda vibe. It sounds goods good in the beginning until she told you that she didn't want to be in a relationship and you kept persuing her. Instead of taking one step backward and respecting those wishes, you took one step forward, thinking that you can persuade or convince someone to be with you. I don't really know her personally, but she sounds like she can't really make firm decisions(besides staying broken up with you), and she's kinda naive and a pushover. Eventually she gave in to you because of that. You were probably calling her everyday too. Then, you began to bring her to work. Thats cool and all but you kept doing it, while nagging for her to get her own deal. You wanted her to be more independent, yet you didn't do her any favors in that department by taking her every time she needed you to. Then you would hang for hours at a time while she worked? That don't sound independent to me either, I'm sure you had better things to do, its o.k. for you to do em. That's not being a bad boyfriend! I woulda just picked her up at the train. You ever hear about people doing too much? Thats what you did with the whole car thing. You wanted her to be independent, yet you still did everything for her.

Then the worst part. She actually tries to break up with you and you wouldn't let her! Thats actually what she was trying to do. In my experience if a woman says they need a break, that means they need a break up! I can't address the friend drama because it really doesn't matter. Another problem I see is that after she tried her best to let you know how she felt, YOU CONTINUED TO CALL.....REGULARLY! Now I'm gonna be completely honest with you and tell you that if she were my friend and she told me about you, I would think, "What in sam hill is this guy doing? He's embarrassing himself!"

By the way this doesn't just happen to you, it happens to us all. People break up with us for one reason or another. Who knows, maybe you'll be the heartbreaker someday.You should focus on how this happened to you and from what I read, you seem like a wet blanket, someone a little too dependent and it became more than she could take. You're probably a great guy and there will always be a special place in her heart for you. Thats what she meant from her message. Why would she leave a good thing? Put it all in perspective, man. She 21, just starting to go out and all of that. It's all new to her and she wants to experience it all without you. Thats just how many 21 year olds are. When I first went to college, I dumped my then girlfriend who was still in high school because I wanted to hook up with all the new ladies. She was a good girl too.

Anyway, let your Christmas card be your last offering and leave it at that. Don't call her, don't e-mail her, don't do anything first at all anymore. If what you've done already hasn't worked then nothing will. I wouldn't even let my friends talk about her around me anymore.

[kennieboi]

Thanks for your reply. That really helped. I know now that I realized like you said that I didn't do her any favors by taking her to work. But I did those things because I loved her and I wanted to help her out. But I guess she got too comfortable. And the reason I called her because I wanted to know what was going on. I was really confused because she said she still loved me and cared for me. If she would've said that she no longer loved me and didn't want to be with me would hurt me badly, but at least I would understand why she broke up with me.

[kalshane]

Love will make us do just about anything and I can understand that in a fairy tale romance, you'd be a prince! But life sucks unfortunately and people get comfortable. And I think you learned that it's possible to break up with someone and still love them. The feelings never go away. Life is a circle.

[titan]

Dude i was exactly the same as you...As stated above make the C/Card the last offering but apart from that don't bother...even to find out whats happening..After a few days of not speaking you will see that its over "for the moment" (i Never close the door on anything), She will realise that you are an awesome guy and regret this stuff...Just give her time..

 

And don;t call and you must ignore her calls.

[Cecelius]

kalshane has it right.

 

Overall, your approach was too available, too needy and too much. When the girl starts lecturing on love and tells you you are a sensitive man, things are wrong.

 

Now, as to the basic facts, you have

 

-21 y/o girl

-Raves

-party girl

-drinking and swimming with other guys when you are not around

 

She was too young in my opinion for you to depend on her to be a good girl. Most people go through a youth stage where they are basically 15, but w/o any of the restrictions on them. Girls especially get a high when they realize that their "girlness" makes other men give them attention. Mix that with false sophistication, ego centric thinking, and inexperience, and your hot tub comment is virtually GUARANTEED to come true.

 

This girl is actually ahead of the game since she's not pleading "confusion" that much. She just doesn't desire you (ie, she thinks she's got you in her pocket and thus has contempt for you) anymore. All the talking and speeches are meaningless: she does not want to have sexual relations with you. It is no skin off her to talk to you about what she thinks or feels or whatever -- you're still on the phone/computer/etc. with her and that alone shows her she still matters.

 

Don't be surprised if she drops in on you periodically: she just wants to make sure she still matters.

 

Case in point, my g/f who I like very much but don't have any illusions about had a fiancee some years back. She broke up with him, took up with another guy, had done some shady things in the meantime, ended up living with the new guy basically 3-4 months after dumping the 5 year fiancee.

 

When she found out the former fiancee was getting married a couple years ago, she (we were only friends at the time) decided that she wanted to send him a present even though obviously she was not invited to anything, because she (and this is a quote) "wanted him to remember who was there first."

 

Women love mattering. Once they matter too much to you they need to find someone else to do the same thing to. The key to maintaining the relationship is to make sure through words and deeds that they matter a little, but that if they were gone, you'd pause for 2-3 minutes before getting the next one.

[kennieboi]

Thank you all for your guy's advise. I've been trying to keep myself busy and hanging out with my friends. I hate having to think of her. I would wake up in the middle of the night and start thinking about her and then I would fall asleep and think about her again when I wake up. This has been happening for a few months still and its hella eating away at me. But I know I have to forget her. I guess i really had a hard accepting it cuz I thought she the person I fell in love with. But turns out she is no longer the person I knew. I am still in college right now so I think that I will stay away from having another relationship. I will just concentrate on graduating and then I can get myself a girl =) well I never know though. But if I do get another girl, I won't try as hard to please her and if she's telling me that she a bi**h then that's gunna be a *red light* Cuz one time I indirectly called her a bi**h, but didn't say it. I told her why she was being one and that's the only time I really hurt her feelings. Other than that I made hella sacrafices for her. I can't really think of a time when she went out of her way for me. She made me happy and all, but she didn't consider for my feelings a lot of times and she even knows she's selfish. She even told me to be more selfish after she broke it off. Told me that I need to concentrate on myself.

 

She told me that we could still be friends but closer without strings attached. I asked her isn't that friends with benefits? She told me no it's not like we are using eachother. At first I was ok with it cuz I didn't want to lose her. But then I thought about it really she was using me. I brought it up and she got pissed at me.

 

But anyways its been like several months now and I havn't seen her or talked to her. I wonder at times if she misses me or wishes she didn't lose me. I hope she will realize though.

 

Anymore more advice from you guys will be appreciated. All those advise made that has been given to me made sense. Thank you guys.

 

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to EVERYONE!