he's distant, and I feel a bit taken for granted...

[sprkal]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 9 months. I really care about him, and he is just the sort of person I love and can get on with really well - we are very compatible.

 

...(can you feel the "but" coming?)

 

When we first met, over about 18 months ago, we were both at university and jobless. Since then he's left uni and got a job (a good career-type job that is, not just as a pizza guy) He works alot, does alot of overtime etc etc and has a few responsibilities at work. I've also landed myself a part time job (as well as uni) and so we are both working pretty steadily.

 

We see each other quite alot considering all of this, usually once for a long date on the weekend as well as on his days off and some lunchtimes when he can spare the time. I'm pretty lucky... but

 

for a few months now I've had this little feeling that I'd just love things to be a bit more like when we first got together, he wanted to be with me all the time, we would have great conversations where he would really talk to me and ...well I dont know, now things just seem a bit stagnant. He's either stressing over work (understandable) or talking about his mates or his upcoming trip to a wedding in Vanuatu (without me, but I'm fine with that )

 

I feel as though I'm being a bit unrealistic here, wanting the excitement of first time romance back again... but thats not the case - all I really want is some of his time! We don't live together, and sometimes its hard for us to get together, but even on the phone he is distant.

 

What can I do? I often send him little presents or notes where he will find them to make his day better... I just want him to be happy, but I also want to feel a little bit romanced sometimes as well!

 

Is he falling out of love with me, or are external factors just getting in the way? Should I talk to him and risk sounding whiney and making him feel guilty (the last thing I want) or should I just leave it?

 

I think this is the longest post I've ever done... thanks to all of you who read this far. Any comments are appreciated.

[ajk]

hmmm...i wouldn't bring it up as a serious 'talk,' because you do realize he has things going on that prevent him from being as present as he used to be.

however, if you sense distance you are probably right that he is feeling 'distant'--but it may all be attributable to what is going on in his life.

try holding back on sending him stuff; be aware of his time and other commitments and when he has the time to be there for you, perhaps he will make more of an effort...

[Day_Walker]

I believe that you have to ask yourself if there has been a change in him or do you just want the relationship to be different? This type of question you dont want to answer quickly and just take your time. It seems to me that there has been a change in the relationship and you want it to go back to the way it was.

[ticklebug]

sprkl,

 

As months or years go by in any relationship, life around it changes...it would be impossible to go back to when you two first started going out, you said yourself you were both just in school with no other real responsibilities. Now as you get older, there are more responsibilities, and those responsibilities lead to a less "carefree" lifestyle. It is something you just have to accept.

 

As you get older, you find that quality of the time spent becomes more important that quantity. Less time together does not immediately equate to less care.

 

It's great to look back fondly on how you two started dating, but don't start doubting how he feels just because he has other life commitments.

 

If you want more romance in your relationship, take charge and set it up yourself. On a time you know you will be together, go out of your way to make a romantic time of it...dont sit back and hope he does it...he doesn't think the way you do...

[sprkal]

Thank you all for your advice. In considering what ticklebug said, I think I'm feeling that though there is QUANTITY of time we are spending together, there's not the QUALITY that I'd wish for.

 

I don't send him stuff ALL the time, just recently I have because of Christmas and also I did about three months ago. Just little romantic gestures, nothing big.

 

Having slept on it all, I must say that I'm probably just over concerned, and I know that his feelings have not changed towards me. Our circumstances have changed dramatically, but we still care for each other very much, and I am proud that our relationship has evolved with all the changes.

 

That said, I think its important for me to let him know how I feel, as we are in this relationship together. But ajk is right, I wont present it as a serious talk.

[justagirl20f]

Pull back a little... or a lot. I'm sure he is into you, the thrill of the chase is just gone. So don't go out of your way for him (though you may reciprocate all you wish) and be as sweet as punch when you're with him but don't always be available.

 

For goodness sake don't TALK to him about it lol that will just push him away. Guys go outta their way for women they're into naturally they don't need to be told to do it. Let him do it naturally, just help him to want too. Make him need to. Right now you're doing all the work, so what's left for him to do?

 

Read "Why Men Love B*tches" too it's a great read and will help give you ideas for how you can get that romance and attentiveness back.

 

Good luck!

[sprkal]

you're right justagirl, thanks, I will back off and see what happens.

[bellaBH]

HI!!

i think i know how you feel. My bf and i have been together for 5 years and at first he was cold and distant. He said that he did not want to open up to me because of his ex girlfriend and how she treated him. Eventualluy he warmed up and when I went away to study for three years and he was the best. He wrote me evry week and sent me cards and even my favourite comics! Now that i am back he doenst give me as much attention. He is now studying and i hardly see or hear him. We have broken up 4 times since May 04 and now he is like ice. i have told him about it but no help. Just like you, i am wishing for just a little of what i had before.