We want to get back together, but parents disaprove! Help

[ash1976]

Hi

 

Is there anyone out there that can offer some advice on my situation. I have been in a serious relationship with a view to marriage with my her for 3 and half years. Both our parents new of this and we had everything going for us. It was perfect. We are now separated for 1 and half months and still have feelings for one another. We both love each another and both regret what has happened by our own actions, however should we now get back our parents will disapprove of this.

 

She is the only child with a single parent, her mother. Both are wonderful people and I could not be happier with any other as a family. I live with my parents and brother. We broke up after a heated argument ad it was I that walked out on her after saying some really bad things to her(nothing vulgar). But after 2 days i realised that I was wrong and that she meant everything to me and this was the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. So I proceeded to go back, only to find out that she went back to her ex. HaHa..I was not the only one to find out but my family as well.

 

We both made the mistake, and now wish to pick up where we left off. We have made my feelings clear to each another. If it were that simple we would be with each another. I do I handle this espescially with my parents.

 

Please help!!!!

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

U can apologize to her parents. Buy some gifts up to her doorstep.

And say to her parents u really want a chance to be with her, and hope they can give u. As likewise, tell her parents, that u geniunely hope whoever she chooses to be with, they will respect her decision.

 

Make a pledge in ur heart and u will do just fine. If she cant be urs, let her fly..

[Roasted Carrots]

Make things work with her first, and worry about the parents second.

 

I'd like to point out that if/when you two marry, you are marrying only one person, not her parents. Sure you're going to interact with them, but it's not the same thing. Hence the story of Romeo and Juliet...

 

Anyway, if/when you get back together with her, provide a united front. Calmly explain to each set of parents that you both made mistakes (and apoligize for them) but you are willing to work things out between the two of you. Tell them in a mature manner (you don't want to sound like two teenage kids whining about curfew! ) that you are adults who will work on your relationship, with or without the approval of your parents....but because you love your parents and each other, you'd much rather have the support of your family.

 

Don't turn things into an argument, try not to let them dwell on the past too much. Remember that you *are* apololgizing to them, but don't become a doormat and agree to just everything. Find a happy medium. If things get ugly, you and her should just walk away...together. If this relationship is going to work, you're going to have to support each other a lot until your parents learn to support you.

 

 

Good Luck

[chai714]

The idea here is that it's YOU TWO that will ultimately have to keep the relationship afloat, NOT anyone's parents.

 

With that being said, don't be discouraged by anyone's opinion. You know your relationship with her better anyone else. While it's good to value your parent's opinion of your relationship, you ultimately have to live with whatever decision you make, NOT THEM. Keep in mind that you don't need approval from parents or anyone for that matter, when you're in any relationship. If being with her makes you and her happy, why keep yourself from being happy just because other people don't approve of the decisions you make in YOUR life?

[ash1976]

Hi there

 

Thank u 4 responding, it means a lot to me especially now with the situation that I face. I appreciate your advice.

 

If you have the time, I would like to tell you more about our situation.

We both love each another and both have admitted to our mistakes. She regrets going back to her ex. She has told me that she wants to be with me and I feel the same. She is still with him and I have told her that I cannot share my love with anyone. She has told me on several occasions that she does not want him. It is a long distant thing with them. He said that he wanted to take her home to introduce to his family and she herself said to me that she is not ready for that right now. I feel that she is not strong enough to break it off with him. She said that he has told her that if she lets him and his mother down that he would ruin her career and her family. He speaks harshly with vulgarity to her over the phone and has abused her. All this in less than a month and a half. I do not know him, so I cannot pass judgment on his character. I have informed her that it is in her best interest to reassess her relationship with him. She does not want him. He calls her but she does not call him.

 

If we were to pledge to ourselves each another, the problem for her as she has said so is facing my parents now that they know that she has done this. I understand that my parents are concerned about me. They are concerned that she may do this again and in the event that they are not around should it happen, then what will become of me. My mother says that a leopard never changes its spots. My mother attitude suggests that she would not accept her . I know that it would not happen again because I know her well. She did not cheat on me. It was only when I walked out on her, that she went delirious which was brought on by her insecurity of loss and rejection that she went to another to give that guy another chance. We now have to resort to teenage antics of meeting each another without our parents knowing of this.

 

Her mother loves me as a future son-in-law but she wants the best for her only child. She does not want her to go to a home where there will be resentment from my family. That is understandable.

Now this is true, as I love my girlfriend and also want the best for her. This situation is far more complicated for her than for me as it is my parents' approval that she must gain according to her. I feel that if she really loves me then she would endure this and I believe over time things will work out for us together. That is understandable.

 

We realise that this will take a long time but I am determined to make this work.

 

Is there anything more you can advise me on. A friend suggested that I must show my parents how much I love her. How do I do this?

 

I thought of getting a place of my own. Maybe then we could be together and could get engaged and I could protect her from my parents. But I cannot do this until I get a commitment from her is she is in it for the long haul.

 

Hope to you from you guys

[chai714]

As long as she is still with this guy, you're missing something. There is something lacking from the relationship you currently have with her . . .Although she says she does not want him, her actions prove otherwise - she's STILL with him. As humans, we have the gift of free will. She's human, thereforeeee she also has the gift of free will. She could very well break off things with him if she didn't want to be with him. Whether just being with ANYONE makes her feel secure, or something about HIM, is anyone's guess. Generally, when people flee from one relationship right into the next, it's a rebound, which is based on being insecure with one's self.

 

She doesn't want to go into a home that is resentful - there's not much you can do to change other people's opinion's of her, nor should you try. If you're going to end up with this girl, they're either going to have to accept her or not, and if they don't, it's YOUR job to make sure she feels comfortable. If she's not comfortable around them, don't bring her around. I can not emphasize enough that a relationship is between 2 PEOPLE, NOT 2 PEOPLE AND THEIR RESPECTIVE FAMILIES. Remember that.

 

You spoke of getting your own place and getting engaged - you're way ahead of yourself speaking of engagement when she's with another man. Remember, this is a process and this process requires many baby steps. I'm by means no expert, but I know that you can't go from nothing to fiance - this only happens in movies. When/IF you two end up together, you've got things to work on before any engagement should happen.

 

For now, don't go demanding that she end things with this guy. Be supportive, try to be her source of emotional fulfillment. This won't be easy, but you know her better than anyone here.

[ash1976]

I was with her yesterday and we spoke about how we are going to handle this. First of all we both love each another and acknowledge our mistakes. Yes she admits that it was a mistake to run off to her ex. She admits that to date that it was the biggest mistake she has ever made. We have both pledged our love 4 each another and committment to each another.

 

She does not want to be with her ex, and is not calling him. She is afraid to be the one to tell him as she fears hurting him. She is like that, she does not want to hurt him. I told her then, if she must, she then must hurt me by telling me that she does not want me, and it will be OK with me. She replied that she wants me. I agree that I cannot force her to do what she cannot but that what she is doing is wrong. One has to acknowledge how they feel and make a decision and get clarity. I will leave this up to her. She created that complication for herself. All I can do is support her and show her reason, whilst at the same time being objective.

 

We both know where we stand with each another. That is no longer the issue. My problem is approaching my parents with this and telling them that I have forgiven her and the both of us want a chance to work things out. I guess I am afraid of the outcome of the discussion, that they may reject the idea, what then?

 

I believe timing is of utmost importance here. I feel that maybe I should approach them in Jan/Feb next year with this maybe they would have mellowed down. During that time I hope that they hear from other sources that we are back together and realise by then that we love each another.

 

I need them to accept her as that is important to my GF. My mum and GF had a very solid relationship were my GF would discuss things with my mum that she could not with her own mother.

 

How do I convince them to realise that she would not do that again?

What do I say to them? What should I not say to them? When should I approach them? And if the outcome our my discussion with them is not positive what do I say to my GF? Should I tell her or cover it up while being patient to try again later with my parents?

[Hope75]

It is natural that your mum is concerned for you because of the breakup and the fact that your girl is now with someone else.

 

I agree with the other posters here that your girlfriend needs to choose between you and her present BF by ACTION, not words. She has not broken it off with him, whether she is afraid to hurt him or not, she needs to do the right thing and tell him it's over, or you should force her to choose by refusing to be with her until this is done. It is only fair to all 3 of you that she end it with one guy, be it him or you. Not calling him is not the same as telling him it is over. She needs to be fair.

 

By professing your love and commitment to her and spending the time together you are not making her choose, she is having her cake and eating it too, adn that's not fair to you or the other guy.

 

As for your mum, once you get squared away with the ex out of the picture for good, perhaps then you can arrange a meeting of your mum and your girl. You say they had a good relationship before, I''m sure your mom still cares for her and perhaps feels hurt that she went to another man so quickly. Your mum's actions are more about protecting you and your best interests than in your girl's.

 

BUT, having said that I do not think all is lost here. You are an adult and if you can calmy explain that you have chosen to forgive your girl, that she is not the other guy anymore (making sure she has told him it's over) and that you would appreciate it if you had your family's support.

 

Your GF could then apologize to your mother, and maybe explain that he actions were rash, but that she was hurt, and that as 2 adults it is really between you & she, but that she too loves your family and would like to try and make peace. She did not cheat, and yes she turned to her ex quickly, but realized her mistake and has done the honourable thing and ended it with him (which she needs to do!)

 

Understand that this will take time, your mother may not forgive and forget as easily as you, and she is a good mum for being cautious and watching out for you.

 

I wish you luck, but you should stand up for yourself and make sure she makes her choice by ACTION, i.e. ending it with the other guy.

[ash1976]

Hi there

 

Good news, we are back together and are very much in love with each another. Her relationship with her ex was short lived, and she knows that I love her and she feels the same about me. Whatever damage there was is now repaired. We want to focus on our future. Her mum is coming around. I think my parents are to as well. My mum asked me to bring her home on Christmas day for lunch. My G/f was not yet ready to take that step as she feel awkward at this stage with good reason.

 

My parents know that I am still seeing her. What do I do now? I have encouraged my G/f that she must speak to my mum, maybe on the telephone one day next month. I do not want to pressure my G/f into repairing the relationship with my family. She asked me last night, how does she go about it. She said "What do I do, walk into the house and say to everyone I'm back". No we need a step by step approach to this. I c her everyday at her home with her mum there. The last step now is to reassure her and encourage her to make contact with my mother. She needs to get over that fear.

 

Is there anything that I can say to her to help her get over this. She has said that it would be very difficult for her to come home now with everything that has happenned. I know deep down that my parents will be weary of our relationship now, but which good parent would not be. I understand.

 

I need to convince her to take the next step. Any advice on what I can say to her?

 

Regards