I'm finally going to take the hardest step in my life

[Bizw]

Hello Everyone,

 

I've finally reached the point I needed to 2 long months ago. My girlfriend of five years left me two monthes ago and it's been the worst 2 monthes of my life. I've done everything that I should have and shouldnt have done since our breakup except the one step that is inevitable.

 

I won't get into the history to much but we have been together since she was 16 and I was 18. We had are share of fights throughtout the five years but also experianced many great times. Theres many reasons why she ended our relationship but the main reason shes given me is she needs time to spend with her friends and time to worry strictly about herself and not our relationship. This is the first and only serious relationship we have both had and I think she feels she needs to see who else is out there before she is content with being with me. She loves going out to the bars and is very atttactive and outgoing. Shes great at meeting people and I feel she felt restricted by me. Guilty for going out all the time and talking to other guys, so she decided we must end our relationship.

 

I've tried no contact and she would call over and over sometimes 100 times in a day when I wouldnt answer. Leaving messeges that shes made a mistake and wants to get back together. It always ended the same after I would answer, back to her not wanting to be together. I know this is hard for her also, but she feels in her heart that she must do this.

 

Last night she came over and I told myself this had to be the last time. I can't live like this anymore. I can't continue to hold onto hope when shes going out meeting other guys and is often very very cold to me. We went out to dinner and ended up sleeping together, but still her love seemed absent. Dropping her of at her house knowing that this is the last time I would see her was crushing. Shes a great girl and I always dreamed of her being the mother of my childeren and us being together forever. It's so hard to put all those dreams behind and relize that I must do this.

 

What am I left to do. I can go on seeeing her when it's convienant for her, and knowing what shes doing everynight. Thinking about her with another guy, sharing what we had together with someone else. knowing in the end I'll never get her back.

 

I'm sit here wondering if theres anything else I could do, it may sound foolish but I still wonder. I guess I know in my heart that I've tried everything and that shes gone.

 

She'd like to keep talking and hanging out occasionally but I think it's only a matter of time until she finds someone else, and I'll be hurt even worse.

I'm thinking of calling her and telling her that in two months or so, we should get back in contact and see how things go. I'd like to use the time to better myself and devolop myself as a person rather than a couple. A time to worry about just myself. I lost my job, gone into debt and basically have done nothing for myself since the breakup. I want to grow strong again and better myself. Get myself back up onto my feet.

 

My question is, do you think I should see if a couple of monthes away might do us good, or do I need to let go completely. I don't mean sit and dwell for the time away, but grow and build myself up again and then get back into contact and see if the love can grow again. I guess I might not even want to contact her after I heal but I hate to see my best friend gone complety. I could never hate her or trick myself into doing so. I have a hard time burying my feelings, I know that I'm tricking myself doing so. Do you have any advice on making things work in the future, I know theres no such thing as a sure thing, but do you think the time apart might offer a better chance of us getting back together than staying in contact right now. Or do you think it's never going to work and I need to accept it. I now she still loves me, but she feels in her heart that we need to be apart. She's told me that maybe someday we'll get back together, but I feel like as soon as she finds someone else that the feeling will fade. Maybe the same feelings for her will fade when I find someone else.

 

To sum up what I'm asking is- Where would you go from the position I'm in? Do I need to block her out, and wipe out the idea of ever talking to her again? Do you think me cutting contact for a few months and bettering myself might give us a second chance. I know I have to do it either way but do I need to give up all hope. I'm a strong person but I've never dealt with losing someone that I loved more than anyone being gone. It always made me feel good knowing someone as good as her loved me, she knew me better than anyone. I would do anything to get her back, but I'm not sure if I'm a fool for having hope. Any advice on how to move on or anything you can tell me from reading this would help so much. Or if you think my only option is to cut off all contact and never talk to her again please let me know.

 

Thanks , I've asked for plenty of advice from you in this post and others, and appricate every bit of it that was given. It's hard to sort out my feelings and hearing a outsiders perspective is so helpful.

 

Thanks again Dan

[ajk]

whether or not 'no contact' will help her see how she feels about you i cannot say, but it will definitely help you to get back on your feet again.

i am sorry to hear about your job and debt situations. you definitely need to put yourself first.

sleeping with her is very damaging to you, as you know.

i hope you can find the strength for this...i still have not done it completely myself, and with the holidays it is hard to think of it as the 'right' thing, but it has to be done at some point...

good luck

[ticklebug]

Biz,

 

I responded to your other post regarding her and my advice is still the same...walk away...you two have grown apart and she is looking for different things than you are...your relationship will never be the same.

 

I'd even go as far as changing your phone number. Calling you 100 times (which I'm going to assume is a bit of an exaggeration) isn't going to help you move on.

 

She is no longer the girl you fell in love with, she isn't the innocent childhood girlfriend...all yu are goingto do is continue to get hurt repeatedly.

[Bizw]

100 times litteraly. She calls 50-100 times a day when I cut off contact. But that doesnt change things she knows in her heart that this is what she wants.

[ticklebug]

that is obsessive.

 

she wants to have her single life but prevent you from having yours just in case she decides she wants to come back.

 

not right biz...and deep down you know it.

[Bizw]

You said that shes no longer my innocent childhood girlfriend. What changes when a girl hits 20 or 21. Do you think she wants to see who else is out there and does not love me like she used to. Or what exactly did you mean by that. I kind of know what you mean and feel it in my heart but can't explain it or decipher my own thoughts.

[hockeyboy]

She is no longer the girl you fell in love with

 

i would agree with this...but isnt that a good thing if you are trying to get back with an ex (not saying biz should). but if you are trying to get back with an ex wouldnt you want things to be different cause they didnt work how they were before.

 

i realize they can change for the better or worse...but is it fair to say that if your gonna get back the people need to change a bit..at least so some degree.

[ticklebug]

hockey, your situation is completely different. You two are trying to better yourselves, in biz's situation...she's jumping into a whole other lifestyle. People shouldn't have to change drastically for each other....people should change only to better themselves and make themselves happy...and the person they are with should be able to accept them for who they are...

 

biz -

 

what changes from 20 to 21? alcohol, bars, freedom, a new lifestyle...dancing, partying, letting loose...being able to be around a lot of guys for an ego boost...and a lifestyle you don't want to share in, nor does she want you in...

[melrich]

Tell her to stop contacting you. Let her know that it is not helping you heal. take the time to get yourself back on track, understand that the next 6 months will not be easy and do not be too hard on yourself. Initially you will think about her every minute of the day, then it will become every 5 minutes, then every half hour etc etc. It will get easier, believe me.

 

Try not to think about what no contact is doing to her, try not to think about getting back together. Convince yourself that it is over, you cannot by your words change her mind. She is out of your control, you can only control yourself. If you can do that, who knows...maybe things will turn your way one day soon.

 

All the best. I know you are in for a tough few months.

[melrich]

It does not matter what age you are, it is very difficult to maintain passion and excitement in a relationship over a 5 year period. The main difference between being 20 or being 35 is that at 20 you have your whole life in front of you, you can rebuild and start again. The older you get the harder that is and peopel are more likely to settle for a comfortable relationship as opposed to an exciting one.

[hockeyboy]

i know ticklebug, thats why i was said i didnt think it applied to biz's situation.

 

girls turning 21 is a big big deal. if your with a girl younger then 21 and you can keep her till shes 22 or so then you have accomplished a lot. most girls just wanna have fun now days it seems. funny how stereotypically guys are the ones that want to go sleep around and what not and not be tied down but a lot of girls are like that too.

[Bizw]

I know I can not truly move on without giving up hope of getting her back. But do you think theres any chance of us getting back together or do you think that our lives are growing to far apart and shes going to find someone that accommadates her lifestyle. I know hearts change but I also know that she has feelings for me that shes still trying to get over. Am I fool for thinking that we could be together once we both figure ourselves out or do you think that in a few months somone else will have taken my place in her heart. I want to better myself with or without her. The last year of our relationship has completely dominated my life, I've dropped out of college, lost my job and ran into debt. I know that I would be much more attractive to her once I show that I'm stong and have bettered myself. Or do you think the the partying lifestlye of getting attention and flirting with guys is too stong at her age to want me back,

[ticklebug]

The last year of our relationship has completely dominated my life, I've dropped out of college, lost my job and ran into debt

 

oh biz...please, for your sake...worry about yourself and getting your life on track...FOR YOU.

 

granted she may be your first love...but hun, rarely does your first love turn into your last. I don't even want to know why you compromised your future so much for the sake of this girl...that is not healthy...

 

by the time you get yourself back into a stable position...I have a pretty good feeling she won't be so attractive to you anymore...

[melrich]

It is always hard to generalise but I would think it is more unlikely that you will get back together. After 5 years she will experience the excitement of being single and a sense of freedom. No doubt she will have her moments of missing you but she is likely to stick by her decision to remain separated. And anyway, it rarely works out when two people get back together in these situations. Usually there is too much baggage carried on from the initial seperation

[hockeyboy]

rarely does your first love turn into your last

 

so so so true...but i wonder sometimes how many it takes to find the one? kinda like asking how many licks to the center of a tootie pop....i guess it depends on a lot of things.

[Bizw]

It's not natural to block out feelings or at least for me. I have been moderatly successful doing so and I feel better for a course of a few days. Then the pain all surfaces again. It feels like none of it has left, like I've only been lying or tricking myself. I feel fake trying to block it out.

 

I never had a serious relationship before, not to mention the first one that I get into turn out to be a five year realtionship. I don't want to seem like a baby but I've never been throught this before. I know that getting through this will make me stronger the next time I have to deal with this.

 

I keep trying to reach out to her and I know I'm a fool for doing so. I just don't get how getting drunk and flirting with guys is worth so much more than a person that truly loves you through thick and thin.. I was there for her when all her friends walked out on her, tried to boost her confidence all the time and tell her how good of a person she was. I not trying to act like a saint but I don't know how a person can through all that away for the partygirl lifestyle.

[melrich]

Of course you will have feelings...very strong ones...it is perfectly natural, no need to block them out. This is a learning experience for you...a hard one but everyone should go through it at least once in life. You will come out of it a more rounded person...though you may not thinks so now...lol

[hockeyboy]

This is a learning experience for you...a hard one but everyone should go through it at least once in life.

 

how bout multiple times? that make you better too?

[Bizw]

Can I get one thing straight.

 

From what all of you have said, It seems none of you believe that a few monthes apart and a few months of self improvement won't bring her back.

I know theres no predicting the future but from anyones past experiances what can you tell me. This is the first breakup I've been through or at least other than early high school short term relationships. I guess shes moving onto another stage of life and this is differant from someone thats fully devopled making it even more diffucult. What are your past expericances about people getting back together at this age.

[melrich]

Of course. You develop more and more coping skills with each experience.

[melrich]

As I said before Bizw, it is unlikely. In my experience, having gone through all my own and my friends break ups from 18 through to 25...at a guess i'd say less than 1 in 10 get back together. Of those, I can't recall any that actually went on to stay together.

[hockeyboy]

I was dating a girl from h.s. she got more into the partying/drinking/flirting stage just as your ex did. She left me after 4 years. She was supposed to love me blah blah blah and all that but she just changed. Very similair to your ex. I begged and did all that bad stuff to no prevail. She even laughed at me once when I cried. Then I started dating. I was seeing other girls, and was seeing this one girl and it was getting more serious. The ex called me and would cry and cry and I told her to screw off more or less. But she persisted and I did love her so I tried getting her back. But I was insecure cause of how she had changed and I didn't like who she had become. My insecurities eventually drove her away (which im glad about) and now we don't talk at all anymore. She pretty much hates me, but she must think about me cause she calls once in a great while just to tell me that haha. Point is…if I really wanted her back I could have gotten her back but I did not want to put in the effort nor change myself the way I would have needed to in order to be with this girl.

 

The current ex…different girl, different situation. I have choosen to try to get her back…we'll see how it goes.

 

Your ex calls 100 times and freaks out when she thinks your not gonna be there for her. She wants you and everyone else. The only way to see if she really wants you and really needs you is to hurt her to an extent. Don't pick up the phone no matter what. When you finally do talk to her give her an attitude…make her realize your done, your not gonna put up with it. If she said "let try to get back together" look her right in the eye and tell her that your not gonna do this again, and if she flip flops again its gonna be her last time…and mean it. Stand up for yourself.

[Bizw]

I guess everyone in my shoes likes to think there sitution is differant. I guess I havent really wanted to let go and everytime I'm about to I pull myself back into the hole that I'm in. I havent come to terms that it's all over, I seem to think that are love was strong enough to endure this but I guess hearts change. I think about her constantly it dominantes my life, she seems to think it shouldnt be so hard for me and that I need to quit thinking of every grim detail or thinking or all the things we did together that we'll never do again. Maybe I'm taking this worse than most but it's domintates my thoughts, I try and go and have fun, I still revert back to my thoughts of her. Seems like I can''t block it out but until I cut off contact compleatly I guess I can not truly start to heal. Have you felt this way before or are my feelings out of control.

[melrich]

No you are not out of control. That reads like a script for how just about everyone feels when they break up with someone they love. like I said before, the feelings get less and less intense with time.

 

Unfortunately you cannot do much about it but give it time.

[marijo2480]

Well, I dated a guy back in 98'. We broke up after a year and I later dated someone else and ended up with him for 4 years. When me and the ex of 4 years split, the one before that called me looking for me again. I had not spoken to him at all in those four years and some feelings were still there. Sure enough, the relationship blossomed into love and we lasted for a year and a half. After some time though, my blindfold came off and I realized that the relationship was truly unbalanced. I did so much in the relationship that he didn't. Now he realizes what he lost; he lost the love of his life (so he says), the one he wanted to marry and to bear his children; the best thing that ever happened to him. Reading your post kind of reminds me of him but in this case, it was he that caused me to leave him.

 

So, with that said, it might be possible that later on down the road, your ex might realize what she once had and she may try coming back then (after she goes through disappointments, jerks, players, and so on). As someone else said, she, then, may not be as appealing or attractive to you. You might find someone too great to even begin to imagine. It can happen. I suggest that you move on; yes accept the pain that you do feel right now but learn from it and move on. I moved on from my last 4 year relationship and now this one. It can happen and someone better is out there. I'm not ruling her out completely, but I wouldn't go back to her if I were in your shoes. She's going to change, be a little more corrupted and you don't want that. Take care of YOU, improve your lifestyle, get your life back. Once you're happy with yourself, someone else will come along.

 

Good luck and keep your head up!

 

Marie