How soon is too soon?

[Suzynola]

I know theres no definite time frame but Im just so confused and conflicted. I just ended a long relationship with a verbally abusive man a few days ago and he had said for a long time he didn't really wanna be with me but wouldn't break up with me and I didn't feel able to do it, so I said I was gonna try and make some new friends so I wouldn't feel so lonely and then I might feel able to end it, and this is what happened. All the people I have met have been so nice to me and especially one guy, although it was totally platonic and we hung out as a group a few times. After I broke up with my boyfriend this man told me he really liked me and he is so lovely, completely the opposite of the person I just broke up with. Part of me feels like I like him too, I think Id be crazy not to, but Im feeling so guilty for even feeling I could move on. Obviously Im not gonna get over my ex immediately and I still have a lot going on in my head regarding that, and this guy knows about it all, is being really supportive saying hes not expecting anything and just wants to make me feel better but Im so conflicted. Im feeling guilt for ending the relationship anyway (I know I shouldn't really seeing as I was treated badly) and now because Ive been talking to the nice guy a lot and feeling like Im getting closer to him, I feel really terrible, like Im cheating. Ive said to this man that I don't wanna mess him around or hurt him while Im so confused and he said theres no pressure, we can just be friends but I do kinda want more. I just feel like Im doing something really wrong because its so soon but this guy has made me feel amazing! Any advice?

[Firiel]

It's really early, though I'm not one to talk. I entered into another relationship just a couple months after a long-term relationship had ended. But still, a couple of months is about 30x longer than a couple of days. Could you tell him you'll contact him in two or three months if you are still thinking about him? If he really likes you, he will wait for a couple of months.

[HeartGoesOn]

I think you owe it to yourself to take the time to heal, and work on getting your life back together before traveling down this road. One of the reasons you're so confused is because you're nowhere close to being emotionally ready to dive back in.

 

As to this guy making you feel "amazing," the same could be said of just about anyone you meet while you're in this vulnerable state of mind. You have a far better chance of landing on your feet if you give yourself the gift oh healing, IMO.

[Suzynola]

Yeah I get that, and Im not thinking I want him to be my boyfriend right away, I just like hanging out with him for now, I just wasn't sure what a reasonable amount of time was to be on my own, I guess til I stop being confused!

[Kendahke]

As long as you're confused, conflicted, feeling guilt or that you're cheating, then it's too soon.

 

You just got out of an abusive relationship a few days ago. You haven't processed anything from it yet.

 

Right now, you're jumping to the next guy you see--and all abusers are charming when you first meet them. I"m not saying the new guy is; I'm saying that right now, your man picker isn't working and your relationship isn't cold in its grave yet. You need to take some time to figure you out, not distract yourself from that by trying force a fit with a new man just because he's being nice and is the polar opposite of what you just left.

[SpottiOtti]

Suzy, please do yourself a favor and process the abusive relationship with a therapist before you move on to another one. This lessens the likelihood that you will ever find yourself in an abusive situation again. Because I bet your ex didn't start off saying, "Hey, wanna date me? I'm going to verbally abuse you and make you feel like you are small and unworthy." I bet he started off

so lovely

and made you

feel amazing

as well. Also, I don't really trust guys who swoop in on a recently single woman coming out of a bad situation. Common sense should tell them you aren't in a good place to start anything at all.

[Suzynola]

Yeah I see your point, I know abusive people don't exactly advertise themselves that way! I was friends with this guy before I had the breakup and yeah, maybe he shouldn't have told me liked me right away but it was nice for me to hear and hes said he will wait as long as I want just being friends. Hes just been supporting me and trying to cheer me up, and he has helped me feel a lot better. Its sad because I do find it hard to believe there is anyone genuinely as nice as he seems to be but I don't think hes faking, its just very new to me! My ex was never like that!

[sharky988]

It doesn't sound like you're going to stop seeing this guy -- who is obviously NOT in your life as "just a friend" -- and who you will probably be romantically involved with in the near future.

 

However, I must agree with the consensus of opinion that it's not a good idea to go from one relationship to the next in a matter of days. This is just not a good idea on many levels for many reasons.

 

Take some time without your male "friend". Tell him you need a few months to yourself, to heal. If you rush right into this new relationship -- as you seem to be doing regardless of the advice given here -- you run the risk of not only sabotaging a promising new relationship, but of also unintentionally really hurting someone who could turn out to be a really great guy, by using him as a rebound before you're really ready for another relationship.