Can you learn to love someone?

[Jetta]

I'm wondering if you are with a person you never really were "in love" with, can you develop a love for them? If so, how?

 

My husband loves me, he says, but I don't love him. After much contemplation I've realized I never was in love with him, but somehow we ended up together (he's persistent). Anyway is there a way to make myself love him? Since being married I have met 2 men I have had strong feelings for (it was mutual). Feelings I have never had with my husband. I've always remained faithful but now I'm really doubting my ability stick this out for life. If I could learn to love him, or feel something beside a friendship/caring type feeling I would love to know to do that because we have a child together. I am strongly considering divorce, but before doing so I would like to know if there is a way to salvage this relationship.

 

Thanks

[Protex]

I wouldn't reccomend forcing yourself to love as it will be one built on false pretenses and probably will crumble.

 

I suggest being open and honest with your husband, asap.

[traz]

IMHO...no. you can't. if you don't have it, you don't have it.

 

And I don't want to start a lecture...but you married this guy AND had a child, without loving him? That's just...mean

 

If you don't love him...you may want to tell him or act on it soon. The sooner you do it, the easier it'll be for him. It may crush him...but it's better now than waiting even longer.

[Jetta]

That's just it, I broke up with him while dating because I wasn't in love with him. A friend recently reminded me of that. The child was a mutual decision.

[traz]

Still doesn't explain why you decided to marry him...and sure the child was a "mutual decision"...but did he know that you didn't love him when he agreed to it? Somehow..I doubt it

[ticklebug]

Since being married I have met 2 men I have had strong feelings for (it was mutual).

 

Sexual attraction and a meaningful loving relationship with someone are two very different things. You are unfufilled in your marriage and you are now looking for that special attention from someone else. (I hope you haven't acted on those feelings yet by cheating...)

 

Every marriage, at some point, settles into a routine...where it is a partnership and a friendship more than a passionate romance. It's the job of the married couple to keep the spark going...

 

My suggestion to you is to seek marriage counseling. Find out if there are things you can do to save your marriage..to bring a spark back...or recharge it in some way so you have a new found appreciation for what his love for you does bring into your life....aside from sexual...before getting a divorce.

[Jetta]

I did mention that I thought we should go see a marriage counselor. He didn't think that was necessary. And no I haven't told him I don't love him, and I have remained faithful. But when he tells me he loves me I don't usually respond because I just don't feel it.

 

As far as developing a relationship. I told him we needed to date again, and stuff like that. It's just when we do we don't even connect. He at least agreed he didn't feel connected either yet doesn't want to go to a marriage counselor.

 

When we married I did lie, and that was a mistake. I thought the friendship type love I had for him could grow and develop into more than it was. When he met me I was geting out of an abusive relationship. It was an emotional time, and he seemed like a nice guy. I told him I needed space, I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship, I told him no twice when he propsed. My friends all told me how wonderful he was and how much he loved me. I figured they knew more than I did and said yes.

[ForAnother]

I'm sorry your in this situation. Honestly I do think you can, but it is a friendship kind of love. Umm, I wonder how long you two dated before you got married. Umm I think that what you have to decide is more for yourself at this moment. Don't worry what he will think initially, consider if you wanna put your life down for that amount of tiem while you could be spending it with someone else. Consider him too... obviiously, he will be broken, but eventually i guerentee what your thinking will come out in a state of rage with him, and its gonna kill him. So I would suggest while things are... "Okay" you break it to him.

 

Sry, good luck.

 

ForAnother

[imdead18]

end it NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[I_Cry_alone]

u should end it now while yer child's young ... it's less stressful fer the child

[Hailey]

I had such similar problem in my marriage too, the different is we knew we love each other and got married. After years, the relationship turns to be more of a "friendship" and can't find any sparkles. Same as you when my husband tells me he loves me, I don't really response coz I no more feel "loving him". Probably you did love your husband we you got married but you just get bored of your married life and things become "habits" and not really enjoying to be together.

 

Having met some other guys only made me realizing more of my husband's not really my type of guy. And because you're "MARRIED", those guys won't take any action even if they like you . End up you can't do anything unless cut the ball with your husband before a new relationship (this was the feedback from my last post ). But it's hard to intiate it. I'm still attached (with my husband) but feel like locked in a cage going nowhere. That's not very healthy though.

 

I think ALL marriages will transform from love to friendship to "relative" type of thing.

[ticklebug]

if he doesn't want to go to counseling, I suggest you start going yourself. A counselor can at help you learn how to communicate your feelings ina way he will be more responsive to...plus help you sort out how you really feel. In time, your husband may come around and go with you...but at least start there, with yourself.

[From_Now_On]

u should end it now while yer child's young ... it's less stressful fer the child

 

If you honestly can't work things out...and I do think you should try....but if you can't...I agree with "I_cry_alone"'s comment...as quoted above. My parents divorced when I was three years old. It bit...and I can still remember the night my dad left. We have had so many custody battles and crud it's...pathetic. I think my mom was really coming from a similar direction from that of which you are in. Except...I believe my mum may have eventually acted on her feelings...not sure. However, with all the crud we've gone through, I'm actually glad my parents divorced. I can't imagine them together now. If this isn't going to last...end it soon. But don't make it some huge mess. Obviously he is going to have some strong feelings...he'll be very hurt and probably quite angry. You'll have to be patient and not make a big scene, for your child's sake. Like you said, the child was a mutual decision. A decision you can't take back. Now the child is here and it's your responsibility to make things as easy on the child as you can. Is your husband a good father? If so...make sure you don't take the child away...it might be easy to do, as you are the mother and they have the advantage in such situations...but don't. Try and do what is best for your child. A lot of custody battles and fighting between parents is going to make his/her life HECK.

 

Whatever you do...just...try and keep your child's best interests in mind. And understand your husband will probably be very emotional...he may say/do a lot of not-so-grand things....but it's because he is probably going to be deeply hurt.

 

Good luck.

[Jetta]

Hailey I appreciate your response. Sucks about the "relative" thing though. I really need more. I don't even really know what I just know he doesn't have it, and I'm not sure if it can be developed or if I need to cut my loss and go.

 

I am in individual therapy, and am learning how to communicate better, not always perfect but I am better than I was. I did have a talk with him last night. I'm not ready to leave yet, but he's worried about it.

[Hailey]

Great! I think you'd done a good start discussing the issue with your husband and tried to sort things out. I know it took you huge courage to do so. Even if it didn't work, you both at least understood the feeling of each other. Afterall, it's not necessary be a nasty broke up anyway.

 

You'll be alright. We always learn from the pains and be a better person.

 

P.S. Have you heard a song call "The Long Goodbye" by Ronan Keating? I found the lyrics quite meaningful.

[Jetta]

Yeah I've heard of that song. I'll go look up the lyrics.

[mscolly]

You're heading for trouble, I can guarantee it. Maybe soon, maybe in 10 years time.

 

I love my wife, she has never loved me, at least not in the same way. After 5 kids, knowing her for 25 years and having been married 18, she first had one affair with someone half her age, then actually fell deeply in love with another even younger still. We're still together, but now there are 3 broken hearts.

 

She's always felt false and guilty towards me, passion was rarely if ever there, and I knew something wasn't quite right, even if I couldn't make out exactly what.

 

The further along you go, the harder will the heart-break you'll cause your husband, if he really loves you.

[bellaBH]

how do you know that you love someone in the first place? you have it rough dear but counselling will help you to figure out your feelings. Stick with it.

[Mentor]

Wow.

 

The stories in this thread make me so appreciative of my ex, who recognized that the love just was not quite there after a year of dating and talked to me about it. Shortly after, we decided to break up. Here lies our alternative

 

Do you know what it is in the other men that sparks your feelings of love, that are lacking in your husband? Maybe if you could identify the things that you need that are missing, you could start a constructive line of communication with him to address this.

 

Even though my ex and I broke up, to this day I feel that we could have worked on this problem. Love stems from emotional intimacy, which in turn comes from open communication, trust, and acceptance. These are concrete aspects of a relationship that can be worked on.

 

I urge you to try to work this out. It might take some time.

[talo]

Jetta, you say you do not love ...., implying that you know what love is. And you also say you would love to learn how to love .....

 

Either you know what love is or you do not. If you know what love is you know how to love. If you do not know what love is, where you are is as good a place as any to learn.

[helpneeded]

whoever suggested leave right away........thats so irresponsible and stupid if i may say. just cos the kid is young, it doesn't make it less stressful..........kids need a father whilst they're growing up. its extremely selfish to just divorce. obviously u haven't been in that situation, but poor kid.

how long have u been married for? if u mutually decided 2 have a kid, and do have one now...i think u should stick to it. i know it sounds harsh cos ur not in love with him.....but u do love him right?! for the sake of the child, maybe its not such a bad idea to just deal with it?!

 

just my opinion!

[nanell]

I'm new here and certainly not one to give advice but guess I'll give my thoughts anyway. I've also wondered many times whether it's possible to "make" yourself love someone and I guess really the answer's in the question. I don't believe love can be forced, if you have to make yourself love another, in other words talk yourself into it somehow, than something's really wrong in the relationship isn't it? I think love can grow and change to a point but if the right ingredient isn't there in the first place than personally I think you're fighting a losing battle. Sadly I'm learning this from my own past and unfortunately present experiences.

 

I do have a cousin though who I was sure would divorce her husband years ago but the last time I saw her it seemed things had turned around for them and they were much closer. I asked her what happened and she said she finally came to the conclusion that there really wasn't anything more out there, that she could search and search and still not find anything more than what she already had. In a strange way I think that acceptance made her come to appreciate her husband more which in turn made them closer.

 

I found the previous post from "mscolly" touching and sad about his wife feeling false and guilty toward him for not loving him, sad for both of them because someday she may come to realize that she really missed out on something. I've always thought it was so hard when one person loves with all their heart and the other doesn't. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all love the ones who love us and vice versa?

[talo]

Thank you for a thoughtful post Nanell.

 

I don't believe love can be forced, if you have to make yourself love another, in other words talk yourself into it somehow, than something's really wrong in the relationship isn't it?

 

If something is wrong in your relationship with yourself, then something will be wrong in your relationship with another will it not? Can you ever really love another? Aren't you really just 'extending', or 'expanding' your love for yourself?

 

I think love can grow and change to a point but if the right ingredient isn't there in the first place than personally I think you're fighting a losing battle. Sadly I'm learning this from my own past and unfortunately present experiences.

 

Is "the right ingredient" you talk of, love (or compassion) for yourself? If you realize your love for yourself, ie that you are loved, ie that you love yourself, doesn't this loving self 'expand' or 'extend' to include other(s)? And isn't this expansion, extension of love, the growth or realization of love?

 

If (self) love can only "grow and change to a point", isn't this the point at which one is 'stuck'; the 'situation' one is in? If the situation is given a more expansive definition (or is not defined), doesn't this allow further expansion, growth, realization, of (self) love?

 

I do have a cousin though who I was sure would divorce her husband years ago but the last time I saw her it seemed things had turned around for them and they were much closer. I asked her what happened and she said she finally came to the conclusion that there really wasn't anything more out there, that she could search and search and still not find anything more than what she already had. In a strange way I think that acceptance made her come to appreciate her husband more which in turn made them closer.

 

Sounds like your cousin has found the right ingredient. That she has found that she is the source of love. That she is generating self love and extending it out, ie not looking for "anything more out there". That she has found that she is the source of her own contentment. Is this not truly the "strange way" of acceptance and appreciation you talk of?

 

Is all this searching for love really the search for ourself? The search for our own true self? The search for out own love generator? And does the search generate love, or is the search the (slow) realization that we generate our own love? That the generation of our own love is the generation of all love?

 

We know what love is (even if we don't think we do). We know when we see it, feel it. Do we know that we generate it, realize it, make it real?

 

As seen here, 'making' yourself love someone is first of all 'making' you love yourself. It is the making of yourself. There is no effort involved in this. This is loving yourself as you are, 'warts' and all. There is no separation involved in this. This is love itself. This is allowing what is to be. In this allowing is the allowance of 'another' to be (as other is). This allowance is extending, realizing, making; the extending, realizing, making, of love.