I was broken up via text! I am so devastated and need advice!!

[SBTNT]

Hello, this is my first time joining a forum like this and posting. The guy I have been seeing since 2010 sent me a casual text a few days ago and told me he is seeing someone. I am not a teenager and neither is he; we are both over 30! I do not have a lot of dating experience and have only had one boyfriend prior to him several years ago. He however has had many relationships and lived with women in the past. I got hurt by my first boyfriend so I did not open my heart up to anyone else for years until I met him. We have been seeing each other for a few years now when he lived in FL, but last year had to move back to Mn b/c of his job loss. However we still kept in touch and would talk frequently online etc. We talked about me visiting there. He was not sure if he wanted to eventually stay in Mn or come back to FL which depended on the job situation. The last morning I saw him he told me 'we won't see each other for a long time, but we will see each other again!' I told him there were times when I didn't think things would work b/c of we may have had a fight like any other couple, but somehow we kept going and continued to see each other. He replied, then that should tell you something about our relationship!

 

After I received the text I was so stunned that I called him back multiple times and left a voice mail to please talk to me. Then on my last try a woman answered the phone and I asked to talk to him. She said he was not available and then she said she is his girlfriend! She then proceeded to curse me out and tell me she will come down to Fl and f**king mess me up, then she hung up the phone on me! I was so upset and crying I couldn't believe what was happening. After about twenty minutes my phone rang and I saw it was him so I answered the phone. It was this woman again who was asking me how long I knew him etc. To be honest at this point I was crying and I just was in shock as to what was happening. He then came on the phone and said he never loved me and that the moment he saw this woman he fell in love with her and she is his girlfriend! I could hear her in the background saying that f**king then he called out to her and hung up the phone on me. I am so devastated!! I feel like it is all my fault and I can't stop thinking about him and her together. Someone told me he just used me and had no intentions of anything serious with me even though we talked about things in the future. I can't believe I am getting my heart broken again!! I am so hurt. Any advice on how I can stop blaming myself and try to get them out of my head is appreciated, thank you for listening!

[sammi87]

SB, I actually think he broke up with you before he left for MN... Granted, in a cowardly, round-about way, but when someone is leaving a S O behind, they don't say "we'll see each other again one day!". That's an EXTREMELY open-ended statement that implies no commitment or future plans with you. So I would say from that point on, he considered himself to be dating you but also free to see other people.

 

In fact, it sounds (based on the gf's call) as if maybe he was actually cheating on one or both of you at different times... That is usually what someone is trying to find out when they ask just exactly how long or how recently you've been dating their bf. It would also explain her screaming and his sounding as if he were trying to pacify her as the final call ended.

 

So basically, you have nothing to blame yourself for. The guy is a jerk. I hope it's not too long until you come to see the end of this relationship as having dodged a bullet!

[Edmund Exley]

Sounds like way too much drama to even want to be a part of. Consider yourself lucky and stop all contact and work on healing.

[SBTNT]

Thank you sammi87 for your advice. I am so disappointed in him as this is not the man I knew in FL since 2010! He was never loud or harsh with me like he was over the phone a few days ago. I can't get him/her out of my head and I still love him. When the thoughts come to me I try to push them away but I can't and I just start crying. I am in such pain. Thank you again for listening!

[SBTNT]

Thank you Edmund for your response. I am not a malicious person and I live a quiet life hoping that I found a man for me. When she cursed me out on the phone I didn't even do the same because that is not me. I want to contact him so badly to understand why he did this to me and if I ever meant anything to him. I miss him a lot. Thank you again.

[DancingFool]

Thank you Edmund for your response. I am not a malicious person and I live a quiet life hoping that I found a man for me. When she cursed me out on the phone I didn't even do the same because that is not me. I want to contact him so badly to understand why he did this to me and if I ever meant anything to him. I miss him a lot. Thank you again.

 

Not really sure he did anything to you. It seems like your relationship basically ended/got demoted to long distance friendship when he moved. The only real issue that I see here is a failure to communicate clearly or to ask the hard questions on your part. When he was with you, no doubt he cared about you. However, he moved away and your relationship was over for all practical purposes. Moving on is reasonable.

 

As for the woman cursing and flipping out on you...well...didn't he just find a "gem"..... Sounds like she is crazy and extremely insecure and full of massive drama, but if that's his cup of tea, so be it. Not your problem and don't get roped into their drama.

 

Relationships do run their course and this one has for sure. Time to let it go.

[SBTNT]

Thank you 'DancingFool' for your comments. I wanted to bring up the topic of 'us' a few times over the last couple of months, but he was in such a bad place. He was having a tough time as he told me it wasn't what he expected moving back to Mn. One of his friends tragically died, he got laid off from his job there after only about two months because of the cold weather (he works in construction). Then with the polar vortex, it was incredibly cold and he was staying at his parents and then at their cabin for a while. I was trying to be supportive and didn't bring anything up. I wanted to because I missed him desperately! I thought once it is Spring again and he started working again and got his mind and finances back on track that I could visit or he could come to Florida. I don't know how long he has known this woman and now he is professing his love for her. All I wanted was for him to love me back! I guess I don't understand how it is so easy for him to just switch off like I never existed and the last few years didn't happen. He called to reassure her without any concern of what it will do to me and then just hung up the phone on me. I am having a hard time understanding and this is so painful. Thank you again.

[wilyone 11]

SB, I actually think he broke up with you before he left for MN... Granted, in a cowardly, round-about way, but when someone is leaving a S O behind, they don't say "we'll see each other again one day!". That's an EXTREMELY open-ended statement that implies no commitment or future plans with you. So I would say from that point on, he considered himself to be dating you but also free to see other people.

 

In fact, it sounds (based on the gf's call) as if maybe he was actually cheating on one or both of you at different times... That is usually what someone is trying to find out when they ask just exactly how long or how recently you've been dating their bf. It would also explain her screaming and his sounding as if he were trying to pacify her as the final call ended.

 

 

Sammi has nailed it. He broke up with you when he moved. He said you wouldn't see each other for a long time, but you would someday. This is not something a BOYFRIEND would say, whether a serious or casual boyfriend. This isn't even something a lover or friend with benefits would say. It was an attempt to downgrade whatever you had to the lowest possible level.

 

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. He may be yelling at you to try to make you realize that this is totally over. His new girlfriend sounds like complete trash, which says something about him as well. You need to totally let this go, nurture yourself and eventually you will meet someone worthy of you.

[DancingFool]

Different people live their lives and react differently. You should never interpret that as not caring. Some people just can't stand being alone and will quickly jump from one relationship to the next. Some people deal with pain by getting into rebound relationships while others spend a lot of time on their own or get obsessed with a hobby. It's different from person to person and is never about you.

 

As for him calling you, well....he was in the middle of a "situation" there with a girl going crazy on him. Not like he could have possibly done anything different. Not saying it was right, but still somewhat understandable.

 

Truly, the take away from all of this, is that no matter how unfavorable the circumstances seem to be, you really need to speak up and get clarity for yourself rather than wait. The truth is that when someone really wants to be with you, your question is not going to push them away and if they are out, then you'll know and it's really better to know sooner rather than later.

[SBTNT]

Thank you all for your comments. It is a week since this happened and I feel so sick. I can't eat, sleep or concentrate much on anything else. I miss him a lot! I know he has chosen to be with someone else, but the way he did it and was so harsh with me, is incredibly hurtful. He was never like that with me before and he knows me so I thought he would at least have some respect for me. I feel tossed aside! I am not capable of loving someone and caring for them, spending intimate moments and then just discard them like that. To think I spent years loving him and the last memory of hearing his voice is the one he left with me and then hung up the phone. I will have to try and take small steps with this for some peace.

[sammi87]

Thank you all for your comments. It is a week since this happened and I feel so sick. I can't eat, sleep or concentrate much on anything else. I miss him a lot! I know he has chosen to be with someone else, but the way he did it and was so harsh with me, is incredibly hurtful. He was never like that with me before and he knows me so I thought he would at least have some respect for me. I feel tossed aside! I am not capable of loving someone and caring for them, spending intimate moments and then just discard them like that. To think I spent years loving him and the last memory of hearing his voice is the one he left with me and then hung up the phone. I will have to try and take small steps with this for some peace.

 

I don't think his intent was to be harsh... In his mind, he ended the relationship with you when he moved. So he was confused as well as to why you remained so involved with him. Then he meets this other woman...starts to have serious feelings for her and realizes he needs to re-enforce to you that it's over. That was what his text to you was about. Your response was to call over and over... This is perhaps understandable. But how do you think that looked to him and his gf up in MN? Probably like you weren't taking no for an answer.

 

Definitely the gf's response was inappropriate and your ex seriously lacks communication skills... But I don't think they tried to set you up to be hurt. He's just sort of an idiot that lost control over the situation.

[Lucha]

Okay this is a very painful story. But it is making it a lot easier for you to forget about him bc he has been a complete and utter jerk to you. No boyfriend not even a fairly new one would say 'we'll see eachother again someday!' It reminds me of my ex that also did not want to make long term future plans with me. He treated you like trash and now doesn't have the guts to admit it. What a selfcentric .

 

I'm sorry this happened to you!