Having a hard time

[HajiMaji]

Well first let me say forgive me for posting like crazy. Since ive found out about this place ive really been using it a lot, and feel somewhat bad about being so needy. It helps me a lot to get this stuff out.

 

Im not ready to explain my relationship with my ex girlfriend in full, but basically things were going really well, then as we became more loving and attached to each other she began to pull away. Some days shed shower me with love and talk about how she wanted to marry me, and others she would say she wanted her space. I would give her her space, then shed get sad i wasnt around. She was having those sorts of issues.

 

4 months ago i think we basically broke up, and a few weeks later i had to move out of state. From our breakup to my departure we talked constantly and although never kissed, we both still very much cared for each other.

 

When i left she decided to stop calling me. We had planned to talk very often, i mean we were best friends too right Anyway, ive flown home for the holidays and now im going completley crazy.

 

Shes been very wishy washy to me and all that, and she has also started dating again. Really weve only contacted each other 3 times since ive moved and one of those times was horrible. I am still very conected to her, and being home - seeing the exit i use to take to go to her house is breaking me down. It hurts so bad to see the places we bonded again. I know with my logical side she wont take me back, and with that logical side i know im a little out of her leauge as far as having the capacity to give care. The thing is my emotional side wants nothing more right now then to drive to her house and do anything i can to get her to just talk to me again. Guys im havin trouble!! I feel really embarrased to be acting so child like. My emotions are running crazy!

 

Im here till the 2nd, and i dont know how i will last!!

[aphrodite1211]

Calm your emotions first so you can think straight.

 

One of the characteristics of a relationship that has not matured yet is the constant need for each other, being pulled and torn by emotions running high and constant break ups and reunions.

 

Try and get over your neediness. This seems to be a central issue in your life right now. Do you feel that way? Ask yourself, Do you feel controlled by your emotions all the time?

 

Make a plan for yourself. Think of the person you would like to be, the qualities this person has.

 

Make steps towards this goal. What can you do to start becoming this person?

 

The best advice I ever got when I was mad about relationships and boys was "Fix yourself first and you will see, you do not need to look, they (boys) will come to you, they will flock, you will even be in a position to choose"

[DragonGirl724]

"- seeing the exit i use to take to go to her house is breaking me down."

 

i thought it was only me that got choked up by that after break up. hehe. sometimes id get off his exit jus to drive by his house & hop back onto the highway. dont you hate those self inflicted tortures lol!!

 

but my ex broke my heart for the same reasons. they are unsure of their wants in life. & ya know what dating people can maybe answer some of those questions they have about their wants/ needs/ & desires. i found out a lot about myself since break up this past March. & after breakup i told my ex 'my next bf i want to be just like you, you are my ideal love.' WHAT A MISTAKE THAT WAS! HAHAHA i know now there are so many thigns i want differently in a mate.

 

i think you should step out of this rut as soon as possible. grieve as u must but heal with the grieving, & start doing the same 'soul searching' for yourself. you may find what you truly want in life is not someone thats is so emotionally uncertain & unstable...

 

-DG724

[HajiMaji]

aphrodite, thanks for taking the time to give me some advice, heres my reply.

 

I do not feel like my neediness is cerntral to my life. When i said that i was more referring to im constantly talking about my problems, when usually im listening to others. Ive become needy in terms of needing to talk about my break up constantly.

 

I do not feel controlled by my emotions all the time, however if you were to say half of the time instead i might agree It seems like i can step outside my situation and be chill for 50 percent of the day, but during the other half when my emotions do control my thoughts its really hard to deal.

 

When im feeling sad or feel cheated I tend to spend my thoughts thinking about how to get back with her. I think up glorious plans of rommance and valor that are no doubt going to fail. Luckily i havent gone through with any of them yet, but its so frusterating to spend half my day thinking about ways to get her back when i know that isnt what i should be focusing on. Ive dedicated myself to getting through this as ideally as possible, learning as much as i can and coming out healthier and more mature. I just dont know how to accomplish that, and when certain things remind me of her all those emotions come up that make everything so complicated.

 

Now, as far as what i can do to become a better person. I went through a stage late highschool early college and that was my main focus, and i feel really good with what ive accomplished in myself. Throught my current life and my old relationship with this woman, ive continued the process - except in one aspect. I really dont know how to handle myself in this break up. I dont know what type of qualities a person who can deal with a break up has, faith maybe? Patience? Hey!! i thought i was full of both those things (more so on patience then faith id say).

 

I think the route of my problem is i dont have a direction im going, i have no goals. I feel aimless and feel like i have no direction - which leads me to think up crazy things and try to get back with a girl im probably too good for right now.

 

I do like what you said about fixing yourself, i definitely believe it. I will continue to try to do that, but i really dont know how to when im dealing with this break up stuff.

 

For your information, this was my first serious adult relationship. We didnt officially live together, but we basically did and were very close. So maybe my problem is not connecting the break up with your general advice about life. I mean im sitting her (perhaps defensively) saying i think im a really good person and i love myself (which i really do) but I just dont know how to deal with this break up loss pain.

 

I realize my response was not very good. I love it though, when people like yourself try to put my eyes back on the course. Its all about getting to the endzone, and just cause maybe i had to punt this one away doesnt mean i should cry on the sidelines for the rest of the game. (Yeah, sorry for the football reference)

[Strandysmommy]

Ive become needy in terms of needing to talk about my break up constantly.

 

 

>>I don't know, I think it helps to talk about it. If you have really good, supportave friends who will listen and not judge. It helps out a great deal I tell you. I mean isn't that what we're here for? To talk about our break up?

 

I think that it's good you release it, honestly, I talked all the time about my ex, and I was so sad and down, but one day...like a light switch, I was out of the sentimental "I miss him so much" stage and onto the "I don't really ever want to talk to this man again, and I really don't give a hoot about him" stage.

 

Just remember to let yourself get over it. What I mean by that is this: one day, you'll perhaps catch yourself just not missing that person, or hurting over them. You can either A) remind yourself that you loved this person with all your heart and are so sad that they're not here, and you want them back etc... or B) you can feel that feeling of not missing them, and allow it, and let yourself let go just a little.

 

Just a little (hopefully) helpful advice

[HajiMaji]

Lol. I like what you said about one day you catch yourself not feeling pain or missing your ex, and you can make one of two choices.

 

Man, how do you not pick the first one!!! Maybe thats something ill learn if i ever get there, but i cant see myself doing the second. Although i think that would be really really freeing, and honestly thats what i want. I know who i was and i know with where and who she is right now, ill do her no good.

 

Thanks for the thoughts. I agree with you, it helps me 100 times over to talk about this stuff. I feel bad cause i really cant contribute well to the advice giving, i only really have been taking it lately. Usually with me its the other way around!

[ajk]

just reading about your situation and thoughts is very helpful to me for my own, so don't feel that just because you're talking about your own problems, you are not giving advice...because you are

thank you...