Needing advice & words of wisdom

[quark]

I need to get my groove back. How did we get here?? I hate how my sex life has become this stressful, worrysome and awkward problem.

 

 

We've been together 3 years, and I gotta say that this has probably been going on for atleast a year. There are many factors contributing, but every time I go over them in my head I feel like they are just excuses. I can most definitely be too defensive and sensitive over it. Which brings me to the reason I started this post:

 

Last night we finally got around to having sex. We go so long without having it, that I can't help but think back and feel guilty about how long its been, and know that its my fault. I get all depressed about it, and kill the mood for myself..instead of just focusing on what we're doing!

 

Anyway, things were going good, when my boyfriend wanted to change things up(we're adults here..he wanted to perform oral sex on me) because, to paraphrase what he said out loud: he wants to do it because who knows the next time he will have the opportunity to. Referring to how infrequently we do this.

 

Well, that just makes me feel great, as if I weren't feeling depressed enough about it. So we stopped, and I tried to talk to him about why that upset me...but i'm not sure I got through.

 

 

Here are the things that factor into us hardly having sex:

 

Me. I just don't have that kind of sex drive. I could go 2 weeks without any and not bat an eye. I can't remember if I've always been this way, but I've definitely never been able to have an orgasm with anybody's help ever. I moreso enjoy "giving", and get genuinely excited by pleasuring my boyfriend, so the orgasm thing isn't really on my radar as a reason I wouldn't want to "do it". It has just become a fact of life for me.

 

Our Schedules are almost completely different. Today, for example...he starts work at 11am and will maybe return about 8pm. I start work at 7pm and will return anywhere from 2am-3am. He works like this 6 days a week. We are lucky if his day off syncs up with one of my days off..otherwise, we don't have a full day off together for weeks at a time. We have breakfast together, and we see eachother late at night before bed most days.

 

Our dog I feel like this is such bull, but he really is like having a child sometimes. We used to be able to go places last minute, like just leave for the beach at 3am after I got out of work and spend the night somewhere. We can't do that anymore. I felt like the morning is when we have a few hours with eachother, so maybe try and do it then? I bought cotonelle wipeys and listerine strips so I could freshen up, but we just haven't synced up for it. One of us gets up to walk him, then its time to make coffe/breakfast and goodbye.

 

Exhaustion We both have somewhat physically taxing jobs. He is a chef, on his feet for the duration of his shift. I am a bartender, on my feet for the whole shift. We both work anywhere from 8-13 hours on the reg. Plus, I have started strength training so there are days when I can barely sit down on the toilet, let alone perform in the bedroom.

 

We make it awkward for eachother. I deny him even just cuddling or a back rub because I know he's gonna want to have sex and i'm not in the mood. I don't want those things because then I will feel like I "owe" him for scratching my back. He just stopped trying it seems, because he told me that he takes it really personally when I deny him. I keep telling him its not that I don't love him or find him attractive...i'm just, tired. So tired.

 

Any advice or words of wisdom? I know I should probably just push all my stupid feelings aside and just get busy, but its hard. The more we go for long times without doing it, the more it weighs on me and makes it awkward when we finally do.

[Kendahke]

I think that you should get a medical check up to make sure there isn't something else going on that's causing you to have lost this much interest in intimacy with your husband. And I think it's more intimacy than sex that you've lost interest in---and that is an emotional issue---so , what are you angry with him about? Cuddling and wanting to feel your skin and heat isn't a demand for sex, yes it can lead to it, but in and of itself, it's a feeling of comfort.

 

I think you need to be about finding a solution before he finds someone else who will feel like cuddling him or rubbing his back. A year is a long to expect someone to constantly tolerate being rejected and rebuffed. If he is a healthy, well adjusted, red blooded male, then yeah, he's going to want sex. I"m sure you'd prefer he get it from you than someone else, right?

 

Try to see if you or he can work a different shift so that your schedules can coordinate, *if* maintaining this relationship is important to you.

 

As far as the morning and the dog are concerned: set the clock an hour earlier than when you get up to walk the pup and have sex then. You're going to have to make an effort in another direction if you can't or are unable to allow it to happen organically.

 

I think that his sarcastic/frustrated comment was cold water on the moment, but stopping at that time to discuss it was throwing more gasoline on a conflagration. It was more of the same---shutting down and shutting him out--that he's been dealing with for a year.

[quark]

I really can't help but feel like you are attacking me and I think its unfair to lay all the blame on me. As for last night, I actually was willing to carry on, but he seemed to have a little bit of a tantrum and said that if I wasn't into it we shouldn't do it. I pleaded to him, no let's continue but he was the one that seemed shut off by then. Sorry, but, what he said was enough to make stop and address it. I felt it was really rude even despite our problems and not very conducive to fixing our problems or making me feel good.

 

I guess i'd agree that maybe my sex drive isn't as active as maybe it should be. I'll mention it next time I go for my annual check up. I can't much remember a time where I had an uncontrollable sex drive. I am on birth control and that may be playing a role....but I've been on it for the duration of our relationship.

 

I feel like you're threatening me about my boyfriend's potential promiscuity..and i'm really not worried about it. I don't believe that he would want to have sex with anyone other than me at this point. I know for a fact that he has gone about 2 years without it during a point in his life where he was single.

 

I could try and work a different shift, but then his would change. It's unreal. I've changed jobs before to see him more and life always throws something in our path. His schedule is constantly changing so theres no way to plan around it. If anyone should get a different schedule, its him..and i've mentioned it and he has yet to pursue it.

 

As for waking up an hour earlier,maybe we could try...but we are already waking up at 9am after getting to bed at 3 or 4 am.

[louisecar]

I don't think you should necessarily have to be the one to change your work schedule... equally so why can't he change his? This is something you both need to talk about as working conflicting schedules is very hard on a relationship, not just when it comes to sex but in other ways. I know that when my ex-boyfriend worked nights and I worked days, we made time for sex because we both had high sex drives but I felt incredibly lonely for some time and it really put a strain on us. You two need to ask yourselves who makes the most money and who would find it easiest to get a new job that coincides with the others work hours.

 

Waking up an hour earlier when you are already only getting 5 or 6 hours sleep is just not plausible or healthy.

 

Not being able to have an orgasm with him is likely to be contributing to the problem. I mean you say you're a giver but it must be pretty frustrating to not get an orgasm at least now and again when you have sex. I know I experienced frustration before with an ex who never gave me an orgasm. Sure we are responsible for our own orgasms to a certain degree but a man needs to know what he is doing too or at least be willing to learn what techniques get you off.

 

I understand your reasons behind not wanting to cuddle or be intimate because of what it will lead to. You need to have this out with him and explain that while you want to be affectionate, you would appreciate if you both could be affectionate without the assumption that it will lead to sex. If cuddling and kissing always leads to him wanting sex I can see why you might feel like he is not being intimate because he loves you but because he wants sex. This may or not be the case but he needs to know that affection cannot always lead to sex.

 

Having said all that maybe you two just are not compatible. If you have never had a high sex drive then why should you change yourself unless you actually want to? Some people naturally have low drives and who am I or anyone else to say that that isn't normal. Maybe it's normal for you. There are men out there who have low sex drives and would be quite happy with not having regular sex.

[Iggles]

OP, stopping in the middle of sex to address a comment is bad mojo, no matter how you slice it.. I think your feelings were valid but it just illustrates how bad the dynamic between you has become when he says something like that which kills the sexy moment.

 

Not being able to have an orgasm with him is likely to be contributing to the problem. I mean you say you're a giver but it must be pretty frustrating to not get an orgasm at least now and again when you have sex. I know I experienced frustration before with an ex who never gave me an orgasm. Sure we are responsible for our own orgasms to a certain degree but a man needs to know what he is doing too or at least be willing to learn what techniques get you off.

 

I think these are good points!

 

Maybe I'm more selfish in bed, but if the guy I was with never gave me orgasms I'd be way less interested in having sex with him. Mutual pleasure is a big motivator for me (likewise, I wouldn't like it if my partner couldn't climax regular when we're together), otherwise I don't really see the point if I'm being honest. Snuggling would be just as intimate.. But my thought is, if you can get off alone then you should be able to do so in the presence of a partner. At the very least become comfortable with masturbating together, and that could give you both insight on how to touch one another..

 

Having said all that maybe you two just are not compatible. If you have never had a high sex drive then why should you change yourself unless you actually want to? Some people naturally have low drives and who am I or anyone else to say that that isn't normal. Maybe it's normal for you. There are men out there who have low sex drives and would be quite happy with not having regular sex.

 

This is key. If you're just not feeling it, why force it?

 

I understand every other area of the relationship seems perfect, but a sexual relationship is important. If you plan to be monogamous that is.. It's a major issue and either resolve it or move on. Ignoring it will make you both miserable over the long term!