After my father died I feel no love, no care for others. I mostly have hatred

[LightAndDark]

My father had breast cancer for 5 years, and I always told myself "he will be alright. its just breast cancer. the worst is he will lose a nipple, and as he is a guy that isn't a problem, we dont use them." and just denied anything was bad. he got treated and it went into remission. then it came back a year or to later and went into remission. it came back a year later and went into remission. I saw nothing wrong with this. it was still only breast cancer I would say to myself and him. and he would agree. I didnt know what he had was inflammatory breast cancer. he knew but wanted to hide it from me, to protect me. the last couple of years of his life his right arm started to slowly not work. first it was just numbness in his fingertips, but it slowly spread. it got so bad his whole right arm was useless, and since the lymph nodes were removed his arm would swell. at first he used a kind of device that would push on his arm, but eventually that was no longer useful. he was a physical therapist and the director of therapy, and he kept working, despite the pain and lack of his right arm. he was a workaholic and very determined. he hid a lot and all I knew was what I saw. I saw that his arm was bad but thats about the worst.

 

then his back was starting to be eaten away by the cancer. there was a smell of rotting flesh, but I was already in such denial that I shoved it into the back of my mind. I got so used to doing it that eventually it became automatic. it became to the point that I had no control over it anymore. I remember trying to hold onto a thought and I felt it slip away. It was when I saw my father's sores that I lost the control. I only saw a glimpse, but it looked like someone had cut out chunks of flesh. It was easy to put it into the back of my mind. but i think thats when I lost that control.

 

in the last month of his death a lot happened. my mother held a gun to me, for the longest time she was the only person taking care of him as my father refused to go to a hospital, as he worked there and didnt want people to see him like that. he was a overly proud person. he also didnt want my mom taking her anti-depressants or any medication as he was very much against the overuse of meds. so my mother had a mental breakdown and had to be hospitalized. I ended up alone with him. thats when he really declined. Some of my family were there a few days, I pretended to be sick and stayed in my room while they were there. It was too much for me. but then they would leave. I didnt want to be alone, but i didnt say anything. thinking about how they left me alone boils my blood and makes my hate seeth and take over....it feels good. it feels wonderful. like a fire coursing in my veins. as I speak of it I feel it and become it. without my hate I feel empty. i feel weak.

 

anyways back on track. after he died his body was donated to science but the cancer ate up so much of his body that they couldn't do anything. they cremated him and sent the ashes back in a wooden box.

 

I went into buddhism for a little bit, and let go of the hate. I felt empty at first then i felt happy. but eventually i stopped, and i felt the hate creep back, and i embraced it, i had missed it, i felt whole again.

 

now these days the hate is the dominate side of me. i even love the word hate. has power to it. yeah yeah, i know the whole he who holds hate is like holding a hot coal intended to throw at someone else metaphor. but that fire doesnt burn me, it empowers me. some part of me remains, locked away trying to break free. but I, the hate wont let it. its like a battle. i am giving hate the better chance.

 

i have seen psychologists and psychiatrists, and was doing well until I had to move. the new psychologist I couldnt connect to, and eventually gave up on him. i wouldnt tell them everything. it takes me a while. I hide the hate part, to keep up appearances of doing well. here i have anonymity and not controlled by my obsessive need to keep up appearances of doing well. i dont know why i have it, i just do.

 

i dont want to let go of the hate, or is it the hate doesn't want to let go of me. I know "you have to let go of it..bla bla bla"

 

oh and my grandfather passed recently and I feel nothing of it. my grandparents raised me when i was young, and I feel as if he is a compete stranger that died, I prefer to feel that way. no pain. no sadness.

 

I am terrified of feeling sad. I dont ever want to feel sad again. I use the hate to help keep up my defences from feeling sad. I remember the last time I cried which was over half a year ago I was literally screaming. I couldnt control it. I couldnt breath. and I felt better. calmer. but i dont want to cry again. I am afraid to. I am afraid to cry in front of myself. I see it as being weak. in high school I was picked on. my first girlfriend would constantly break up or threaten to break up over tiny things, but then the next day acted like nothing happened. I dont want to be weak like that again. I could not get angry back then, could not stand up for myself, but i see the hate as protecting me, that if I had the hate back then I would of been able to stand up for myself and made people fear me. as if they would see my hatred in my eyes and back away.

 

my dad's death sent me over the top. it probably will consume me if I let it over time. i feel nothing about that, i like to feel nothing. nothing but the hate. it switches though, my mood goes back and forth.

 

i dont know what I expect to get from here. maybe just to let people understand how screwed up i am. i really dont care to do anything about it, just let it take its course and see where it takes me.

[Seraphim]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your dad and grandfather. Everyone grieves in their own way. One day I hope you have peace in your life again.

[LightAndDark]

I find peace in keeping my heart rock solid and being distant from people. Whenever I start to feel myself open up I pull back and let my hate fill my veins just to be able to close again. I find it peaceful in my own personal hell.

[LifesAdance]

I don't mean to come accross as though I think I know about the specifics or individuality of your situation. However I can say that based on my personal experiences, I think some classes in anger management, regular exercise, & (depending on your own personal methods of coping) an alcohol or drug dependency program are probably absolutely necessary. Although anger and hatred have prevented you, up to this point, from feeling the true depth of pain that comes with your level of loss; you are probably unavoidably hurting those around you. I lost my boyfriend in a fishing accident 2 years ago and a little less than a year ago I began dating my self-loathing best friend that had lost his father in a car accident 3 & 1/2 years ago. His deep-seeded anger and hatred poisons everyone around him (including his mother and his children)..& me, until one night he 'blacked out' & punched me & beat my head into the tile entry way until I was unconscious & bleeding from the ear. I don't remember anything else until the cops got there, & he and my phone were gone. His roommate coming home during the maylay was the only thing that stopped him from choking me to death. I left him and never returned, for my own safety. He moved out of town that same week so he hasn't been arrested on the charges that were pressed that night, so I only hope he seeks help to deal with the unspeakable anger and hate that he battles & imposes on everyone he knows. I hope the same, as well as personal peace for you.