Should I wait, forget, give up or what to do?

[goldensmog]

Hello

I am new to this forum, but not to the hurt that most everyone is experiencing here. Well here goes.

My wife, who is 37, and I who am 41, have been married for 8 years and have two children. A boy who is 6 and a girl who is 3. Just this past August I caught my wife having an affair on me with a co-worker of hers. The day after I found out she set up separate counselors to get to the bottom of why she did it. As it turns out I was labeled with co-dependency. It is a common problem with adults who are raised with an alcoholic parent which I was. I realize I may have put my wife through quite a bit. I did everything in my life for the sake of my wife, children and our house. I built and invisible fence around my house so that no one could change the happiness I thought we had. It didn't want to expose anyone or anything in my life to the elements outside of our family for fear I would jeopardize it. Well look what happened. Anyway, after a few weeks of counseling we agreed to try and make things work. I would work on my co-dependent problem and she would stop seeing the op. Well that worked for about a week and I caught her back with him. Now things are even more complicated. My son, who has been diagnosed with an anxiety problem, is starting to favor staying with mom over me. My wife lives at her moms where there are kids to play with constantly from my wifes sisters marriage. I live alone in our home so I guess I don't have the environment to offer that she does. My sons anxiety which had subsided over the past year has reappeared in a state far worse than before. He keeps telling his mother as well as myself that he wishes we would try and get back together so it is quite obvious whtat his problem is. But it does not seem to phase my wife in the least. I am expecting separation papers anyday now because she says she wants to get out of her moms and into an apartment. She cannot afford an apartment w/o support. I work 3 days on and 3 days off so we were spliting the kids 50/50. My daughter still stays with me on my days of, but my son's days here are few and far between. Right now she comes and goes as she pleases seemingly w/o a care in the world. Should I wait, forget, give up or what to do?

[ticklebug]

Should I wait, forget, give up or what to do

 

if you are talking about trying to save your marriage, I'm sorry to say that time has long passed. When it comes to your kids, and seeing them and being a part of their lives...having a say now and in the future...you had best get your gloves on...

 

What you need to do is contact a good lawyer...now, and get your ducks in a row.

 

there is a really good website for divorce/custody link removed I highly suggest you check it out and post your story there.

 

If your son isn't in counseling, he needs to be...and if anything, that might have to be stipulated in your custody agreement.

 

Check out that site...they can help you.

[Mikeh]

well this isnt between you and your wife now. if you guys really want your kids to have a good happy life then you guys would stay to gether and really work things. your not the promlbe its her if she cant relize how this is going to effect the kids. then they might have depressed life.

 

dont think your the proble because if she really wanted to work things out then she wouod have came to you first about the drinking thing.

[ticklebug]

if you guys really want your kids to have a good happy life then you guys would stay to gether and really work things.

 

 

that is not always the best option...in fact it rarely is...not all problems are "workable"...and the sttress it causes will only hurt kids in the long run...

 

best to split, and keep the arguments in a private setting....instead of right in front of the kids in your own home...

[routerx]

Let me get this straight, your wife cheats on you, and it's your fault? NA A. No way. Did SHE pick this therapist? How much did she pay him?

 

You should be mad. She's not even taking responsibility for CHEATING ON YOU. Hello!! Stand up for yourself. Sorry pal, you may be co-dependent, or whatever that is supposed to mean, but you don't deserve this.

 

Tell the doctors to stop diagnosing your family.... the facts are the facts. Your wife is cheating. Until she can stop, nothing you do will help.

 

Wow. You deserve a pat on the back pal. Stand up for yourself!

[goldensmog]

I believe she is not seeing the op anymore. The thing is she still does not want a separation. She tells me she still loves me, but her counselor told her she must find herself, whatever that means. She calls me crying on the other end from time to time and can't explain why. Her Grandmother died 2 months prior to the affair. She had no closure with her death and it leads me to believe this is may have been what sent her spinning. The problems we had existed before, but her Grandmother dying brought them out of her. The thing is I never even saw it coming. She keeps bringing up things like, well some people get divorced and then remarried down the road, crap like that.

[ivy2]

I wouldn't be so quick to give up on your marriage as some would suggest. This is something that only you understand and can decide on, but one thing is for sure... 8 years ago you married this woman for better or worse, richer or poorer, and by the sounds of it you have created two beautiful children.

 

When adultery is concerned it makes marriage very difficult. It is very hard to trust again and you will find yourself blaming yourself as you probably already are. BUT - in life we have choices. Temptation is always there, it is part of our nature, we choose whether to give into it or not. Your wife did have an affair and that was wrong (VERY WRONG). But it sounds as though she does still love you and if you are correct in saying she has stopped seeing her co-worker then that is a good sign.

 

She is obviously in a place at the moment where she feels trapped and lost (she has lost herself in the marriage) TRUST ME - this is very easy to do. This does not mean that I would go and have an affair. That is mainly because I believe in the sanctity of marriage and if I can love my husband enough to marry him, I can love him every day after. That is the beautiful and challenging thing about marriage. IT IS something that requires work, a lot of work. BUT IT NEEDS TO BE TWO SIDED. you both need to believe in this marriage, not for your kids (although it will have a huge affect in their lives) but for yourselves.

 

Research has been done that has proven (in particular cases) that people that work through their problems are happier in five years together than those who divorce / separate. I don't know all the details, but you are stronger than you think you are. If you want this marriage to work, you will. If your wife believes in it, it will. FORGIVENESS is an incredible tool, but it needs to be from the heart- and you have to work through the hurt and anger, disappointment and loss that you are feeling first.

 

I am not saying that your only option is to stay together, but it is definitely an option (as I say, not for your children, for yourself). One writer 'Mikeh' said that your kids would have a happier life if you stayed together (or there abouts). This is not neccessarily true either. I am a child of divorce and it was the best thing my parents could have done. After 5 kids and 12 years of marriage they were nearly killing each other, and us too (with constant bickering etc). We are blessed to have 4 parents that love us now, not only two. The lives that your children have depend on how you deal with the seperation (if that is the end result). You need to make sure that the children have access to both of you when they need to, open access. I DO NOT BELIEVE IN GETTING HEAVY WITH THE LAW - THAT IS WHAT RUINS CHILDRENS LIVES. If you are civil around each other and put them first instead of yourself when you are together for events etc, or meeting to drop them off etc, and if the children know how much you love them and understand what is happening they will have every opportunity of having an incredibly happy life.

 

IF YOU DO DIVORCE - it is imperative that you make sure your kids know the above. LOVE THEM! MAKE IT OBVIOUS!

 

You have options, but only YOU can make the decision. Sometimes love is enough, sometimes it isn't.

 

Good luck, and God Bless

[goldensmog]

Thank you. I hope you are correct in that things may work out. But she seems so distant right now like she has no care in the world. She is a good mother, but I was also a great father. Everything I did was for the kids. And to have one of them not want to stay with see me for whatever reason is tearing me up inside. I think I could live without her although I don't want too, but not my children. I can forgive her for what she has done because I do love her. But why can't she see what she is doing to the 3 of us?

[mscolly]

You may have all the problems under the sun, but your wife's decision to break the marriage vows is not your fault. You may have made things easier for her, you may have made all the mistakes you like, but that final step, to commit adultery, your wife made all by herself. Please do not blame yourself for this. She should have been at your side to help you and herself. Escaping in this way without first breaking with you is her error, not yours.

 

It's so hard, when you love someone but they treat you this way, believe me, I know. But don't blame yourself for that final step that your wife took.

[ivy2]

mscolly is right in the fact that you are not to blame, your wife did take that step. BUT in saying that you are also not blameless, a marriage is two sided. As I said in my last post marriage takes a lot of work and focus, many affairs happen merely because one spouse is working too many hours and the other is feeling lonely. I do not want you to get the idea that I support adultery because I ABSOLUTELY do not, but the emotions and motivations behind the action are sometimes more important.

 

Have you actually sat the children down and talked about the seperation (this can be extremely powerful no matter what age). This may also give your son (especially) a SAFE environment to be able to talk about how he is feeling, and what he is worried about. I don't know if this is possible at the current stage in your relationship, but it can be really successful.

 

they have no idea what is going on at the moment so no wonder they are confused. They have grown up (well so far) with their parents together and now all of a sudden all of that has changed. Kids are unsettled at that age when they move house and schools let along when their parents separate. It can be a huge thing to move through.

 

Give your son time, this sounds very new. (I don't know if that is right). As long as nobody is feeding him negative information about you I am sure this will pass, but I definitely think it would be a good idea to sit down and talk to him.

 

JUST TO MAKE SOMETHING CLEAR - I am not a professional, I am only writing about what I have learnt being a child of divorce, and also having a loving, safe and open family environment.

 

Patience is something you will have to exercise, and that is easy to talk about, but maybe this councilling she is undertaking (I think) will help her see things more clearly, and help her to talk to you.

 

I HOPE SO.

[Cecelius]

Insane.

 

She does another guy and you're supposed to lob in with lots of love, support, space, and get psych-thrashed?

 

Did you cheat on her, beat her, talk meanly to her, make no money? Were you an alchoholic? Maniputlative, cruel?

 

Of did you work your a-- off to build a life? She needed some attention? maybe she should have bought some lingerie.

 

You CANNOT love a woman who gives it to another man. She's not worthy.

 

I feel bad for the situation your wife put your kids in. Obviously you have to work through that, but you should be done with her. Offer a no-fault divorce (and if she won't do that, let her know what a fault divorce for adultery looks like).