Two years, long distance, lots of confusion

[faeriechyld]

Yesterday marked the two year anniversary of my mom's passing. For most of the week prior, I supressed all emotion because I had important things to take care of, like work, studying for exams and then eventually taking them. I finished all of that on Sunday in order to focus yesterday on me, on allowing myself to grieve after so long of refusing to.

 

Well, that's not entirely true. While I kept myself on autopilot most of last week, I seemed to lose all hope of emotional suppression when my boyfriend would call. Especially since Tuesday he delivered bad news about him not trying for guard anymore, which means that I'm once again faced with an LDR for a good 3 more years. Needless to say, he had some serious bad timing.

 

So, I asked him not to call until yesterday was over. He did as I asked, and I'm assuming I'll be talking to him tonight. Sunday night, I triggered my grief by watching an episode of my favorite show where the main character's mother dies. Needless to say, it came flooding out of me. Then last night I met my sister at a Christmas concert given by a local group and we bonded, and cried together.

 

But I realized something. With the exception of my sister, I cut off basically all communication with my friends this past weekend, and much of last week. I have a journal, and I posted there, but I purposefully posted in a way that no one would really know how to comment. And I guess the question I pose to this forum is...how do you let go?

 

After my mother died, I expected people to come to me, and when they didn't, I stopped trusting everyone. I've pushed many people away this last year, to the point where many of them are no longer friends at all. How do you stop doing that? How do you teach yourself to trust again? I mean, how bad is it that my boyfriend, the one person who is supposed to be closer than anyone to me, is the one I specifically request not to call me until I'm through the darkest day of my life? I know why I did it, we got in a huge fight the last time we spoke and I begged him not to call me because I knew that I was taking out my emotional suppression on him. I could remain on autopilot, but as soon as I heard his voice it was permanently switched off until the call ended. And all hell seemed to break loose.

 

I want to feel like I can trust people again. Like I can trust myself not to hurt people by taking things out on them that have nothing to do with them. I want to stop pushing aside my emotions until it's convenient for me to accept them. I want to stop this unending drive to accomplish everything in the next few years because I have this unnatural fear that I'm not going to live to accomplish everything I want to. I want to go back to the days I felt I could stop and smell the roses, and stop living in fear of following my mother to an early grave.

 

Life won't ever be simple again, I know that. But it could be better. I just think I'm trying to make it better all the wrong ways. I'm successful in my professional life, my schooling is going well, and I've even moved out and am looking into buying my first home. But money, responsibility and education can't heal a hurting human soul. Time can, but time is something I seem unwilling to give myself.

 

Can anyone help me? While at the same time I wonder, do I even deserve it?

[sisterlynch]

The pain of losing her will always be with you -- you will need to find that love that you are missing inside you somehow. Suppressing emotions makes them stronger when they do come out. Try to use exercise instead.

 

Eat right and get out in the fresh air everyday.

[Jitrenda]

Hey faeriechyld...

 

Ever considered grief counselling or getting some professional help to deal with everything?