She broke up with me after 3 years and I am having trouble healing

[AlexRe]

First, I want to thank those of you who read this and provide insight and or help with my difficult time.

 

A little about the beginning.

My name is Alex and I met my ex 3.5 years ago. I was 22 and she was 20. She was beginning her sophomore year of college and I my senior year of college. We hit it off instantly and fell madly in love with each other and spent every day of that summer together building amazing memories. She was so good to me and I felt so loved and cared for from day 1. I never fell for someone so fast and hard as I did with her and was willing to do whatever it took to be with her. We did struggle a the end of the summer because she went to school 4 hours away. We made it work and saw each other every weekend during the school year and it was perfect. During this time though I did become a little worried as I knew she enjoyed drinking and partying and I was 4 hours away, which made me a little worried as I was told by a close friend that she gets very flirty, but I tried to be very understanding and didn't over react to when she did. In essence, I loved her so much and wanted to be with her so bad, I sort of took a blind eye to this behavior. The next summer came and through her support and encouragement, I was accepted to a grad school and moved to another city and asked her to join me, which she did. We finally had our own place together and were very happy. Now our relationship by this time was becoming as I would call it, "over the honey moon" phase and we did have our fights. Some were really bad, while others were small. She had to go back to school and for the next year and the summer after that got in internship in another city, but we were able to see each other every weekend and this kept the relationship alive. During this time though, there were a few occasions where she would drink and was inappropriate with another guy and I forgave her every time. Now to be honest, after the second time it happened, I myself would go out and drink with friends and I also did inappropriate things with other girls and justified it as okay because she had done the same. I never told her what I did and still to this day she doesn't know. About a year into the relationship she discussed marriage and expressed to me that she really wanted it and we had a couple fights about it as I told her I would have liked to have waited for me to finish school before making any sort of engagement.

 

After graduation, she received a job 13 hours away and we knew that seeing each other would be very difficult as I still have an internship and grad school to finish in the city I was in. We talked everyday and had plans for me to come out there for my birthday. During this time she expressed that she was very lonely and was miserable out there as it was a very small town and couldn't wait until we could get married and be together. She was able to make friends with a group of guys that were interning there and would go out and drink with them. I ended up getting worried about this behavior and cheated on her, but never told her and when I went out to see her for my birthday, I was distant and she caught on. I came back home and things seemed normal as we talked every day and had our usual routine. A week or two later she expressed to me that she was unsure about our relationship and almost broke up with me. I begged to make this work. She agreed. I went out there for a couple of weeks and things were amazing and she expressed how much she loved me and wanted to marry me. She was able to find a home and went ahead and purchased it, but had strong oppositions from her parents to do so as they felt it was an impulse and she wasn't even sure if the job she got out there was going to be a good fit for her. I supported her decision as I did all of her decisions, but felt that it would tie her down for sure and didn't give our relationship much flexibility. During the fall semester this past year we made it work great and were madly in love and I saw her once a month and spent Thanksgiving and Christmas break together. I went to stay with her for a couple of weeks and things seemed fine, and she expressed again and again how she wanted to marry me and I expressed to her that I was working my hardest to find employment out there after I graduated, but told her that it would be hard because where she lived was a very small market and we both knew it.

 

The recent break up happened two weeks ago. Three weeks ago she was at an event and told me she had hung out with a group of guys that lived nearby and had really enjoyed their company and was happy to meet them. I didn't make much of it, but after that weekend she became somewhat distant and was acting strange, but we still talked and told each other we loved each other. Valentines day came and I asked her what she was going to do and she said that she was going over the guys' house for dinner and then going out afterwards. I was fine with it, but it just felt strange. That whole night I tried to text her to see if she was okay, with no response and no phone call (she always would call before she went to bed). The next day I hear from her and she sounded very upset.

 

She tells me that she has felt so anxious and worried about me coming out there after I get done with school, that our relationship was "unstable" from the beginning, that I was too good for her and perfect and she couldn't keep doing this to me, and that she was ending the relationship for my benefit, and the she didn't even want to be engaged. I ask her if she cheated on me because I knew it had to do something with another guy and she says no, but she says that she has been "talking" to him and that she couldn't keep doing this to me, especially since I had planned on moving my life out there.

 

Now I know that when she is having a really tough time being out there, she does what she can to find happiness and I don't blame her. She has always had anxiety and borderline depression issues and has dealt with them in certain ways, which I understood and knew was a part of her. But I definitely did not expect her to make all of these plans with me, then go through a rough time and find someone else and decide to end what we had for 3 years.

 

I tell her, I never want to speak to her again as it would hurt me and I needed it for my own sake of recovering from the break up. Everything happened so fast and now I wish I would have asked her more and I feel as if I need a better explanation. I had been with her for 3.5 years and really didn't see this happening as we had finally come to terms of marriage and me moving out there if I could. She was upset that I told her we could never talk again and she said I could call her if I ever needed her and that still loved me and that she was deeply sorry. I was shocked, distraught and more than anything severely confused as to what happened.

 

I consider myself a very strong minded and rational person, but sensitive as well and yes I have cried every morning since the break up and crave to speak with her again. I have been good about not contacting her, but it is killing me that we left off unresolved, especially after 3 years. I really want to call her and tell her that I am sorry for telling her never to call me again as I owed that much to her since we had been together so long. I read many articles that say I shouldn't as it is necessary for me to complete the grieving process and to help me let go of the relationship. I have never felt so much pain in my life and what hurts so much is that I felt like I really knew this person and felt that she really wanted to marry me and that we would be together someday and I had even began making plans for it. I was sure that I knew this person, but am shocked that I didn't see this coming.

 

More or less I am writing this to release it off my mind as I haven't been able to adequately do so. I read other posts on hear and feel comfort in knowing that I am not alone. I try to continuously read inspirational stories of people who have gone through bad break ups and it helps, but I still mourn for her love and think I am still in shock. It is very hard in the mornings as a cry when I wake up and on my way to school and get there and pretend like my life is fine. I would like to hear of others who have had a similar situation and how they were able to get through it and what they did.

 

Thanks again to all of your for your patience and willingness to read my extensive post.

[and so it goes]

It will pass, you will move on and everything will be ok in the end. Yes, it will suck for a while, but you'll get over it. It is the nature of growing up and maturing. These (20 something) relationships, no matter how intense, were not designed to last.

Give it time.

[AlexRe]

and so it goes,

 

Thank you for the support. I've heard that these relationships are difficult as people at this age don't exactly know who they are yet, and now I strongly believe in that. I can only grown stronger and learn from this experience as hard as it is. They say that "the strongest steal has to go through fire."