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33 Days since I moved out/25 days NC-first day off the roller coaster!


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I posted this in my journal.

 

Okay so today is day 33 that I moved out. Today is also the very first day that I have made it through without any emotional response. I.e Panic attacks, crying, screaming, body twitches, or any other type of overwhelming or roller coaster type of emotions. I think that it is truly amazing. I guess what I mean is I feel like a normal person again. The last 33 days, wow, I don't know how I survived. It was all pain all the time. What a difference. I should note that I had a really bad panic attack yesterday as I passed the place we had first met in the mall. (Had to get my phone fixed) Anyway that one was pretty severe. But today, I feel like it is the first day of real progress. The first day without debilitating pain. To me it signifies so much. How far I've come, what i've been through to get here and also my strength and resilience with keeping to no contact. (no looking at pics, drive by's, social media etc.) My facebook has been taken down for this reason, I will put it back up in a few months) I have a phone date tonight with a very pretty girl. I really can't wait to start dating steady again. I love having a woman who I love in my arms and in my life. I am so proud of myself for getting this far and so fast.

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Just a quick update. Yeah I had that one good day. The reality gets clearer though as time goes on. I have experienced many heartbreak events in my life. One of which brought me here four years ago and I hung around about 3 or 4 months till I felt better and dated a hotter girl. Anyway, that was the breakup that all others were compared to, until now. It turns out that what I am experiencing is the worst thing I have ever dealt with in my entire life. The pain in unfathomable, constant and soul destroying.

 

For those who don't know my story we lived together and had a few setbacks in our relationship but were enjoying a wonderful Christmas season together. We found out on Christmas eve that we were pregnant. The last thing I remember was being in bed watching t.v talking about what our child would look like, as we decided to keep it. Long story short she had an abortion and threw me out complete with silent treatment. She was also on her phone a lot. Raw deal to say the least. We just completed a huge four month renovation that week.

 

Before her I had never actually cohabited with a woman before. It makes it that much worse that we spent every night together for so long and then poof. Dead to each other. I see why people are driven to suicide over these things. I definitely want to be dead right now though it would be really hard for me to do that to myself. Life seems bleek and lonely. The truth is I miss her so much. I have been Strict NC. Since I've been through this several times I implemented all my recovery strategies, (taking down my fb etc) but let me tell you this is kicking my ass. Especially that I'm at a friends house snowed in and isolated with a computer. Very much different from the life I just came from. This has caused me some debilitating panic attacks/episodes.

 

The bottom line is this, you will have mind numbing, excruciating pain for weeks or months and then after a while, it will still be there but a little bit less. And after some more months, a little bit less than that.

 

As far as NC once you keep NC for a few weeks or months, then you just keep doing NC for a few more weeks and months. That is reality.

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  • 4 weeks later...

One month since that last post above. Wow. I am in a completely different place. I was really focused on staying nc at that time, where now I don't really think about it at all. Come to think of it I pretty much am living a normal life. I'm not saying I am happy with my current situation. As a matter of fact I am working very hard to change it and move forward. But reading my old post really lets me know how far i've come. It's amazing really. I certainly do not feel connected to her like I used to. I've regained myself. If I was to talk to her I really wouldn't even know what to say. That's part of the reason why I haven't. What's the point? Anyway, I am still getting over it to some degree but not anywhere near what I was dealing with one month ago.

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