5 years later...out of the blue break up

[undergirl]

advice wanted!

 

so i've been dating this guy for 5 years. we started off as friends, and because we have been in each other's social circle already, we basically share all the same friends. during the time we dated, i know he thought the world of me and we have even discussed children. after 3 years of dating, he got a job opportunity about a 2 hour plane ride away (he works for his family so he doesn't have an option) and so we started dating long distance. we get to see each other about 3-4 days every 3-4 weeks. we talked on the phone every night. he feels quite miserable with his new life, he hates the place and is extremely stressed in his job. and then in this past year, we have been fighting more, mostly from him blowing up and me yelling back. the good times were really good but we just keep having these stupid fights. then in july this past year, he sounded really cranky on the phone and just didn't want to talk, so i said "whatever" and hung up and 15 minutes later he called and said he wants to go on a break and i let him, albeit it not making sense to me. he later told me that i'm pushy and made him feel awful the way i talk to him. about 2-3 weeks later he came to find me and just want to be together and didn't want to discuss just yet what happened. having so little time together, we didn't end up talking much about it and just resumed the relationship.

 

december rolled around and he was back in town for a month. we went to a music festival together and had SO much fun and was so in love. there were hints about him wanting me in his future (i.e. he said his mother's diamond necklace will be mine eventually anyways). we went on vacation with his family a few days before the break up and no problem there. the day after we got back from vacation was our 5th anniversary. 2 days later, we had a really stupid fight again on him blowing up at me for something super minor (we were looking for food), and then i stopped talking to him because he was blowing up. his tone resumed to nice but never apologized. then after awhile he asked me what's wrong and i told him i'm fed up with his temper, i need more respect, i feel like i'm always walking in eggshells not knowing when he will blow up. he then again said i'm pushy and makes him feel awful, and that we should just be friends again. he then said he thought he could move back in town for his job at this point already but he doesn't see when he could, and we have this "fundamental" issue that can't be solved (referring to our fights which to me are just communication issues), so he said let's just break up. he said he still loves me and saw a future with me because he had spent the past year trying to see how he can make it so that we can be together and he thinks he wouldn't spend so much energy on it if he doesn't want to be with me. but the pressure is really weighing on him and there's so much going on with work that he just doesn't want to deal with it. i know he is lost with life and doesn't even know where he will be in a year, career-wise and that's his priority at the moment. i said if we still love each other we can work it out but he said he doesn't want to work on it anymore. before we parted ways, he said "i hope you change" yet i still have no idea what exactly that he wants me to change. i asked him what makes him so sure and he said he isn't sure! even just 2 hours leading up to the break up, we were talking about decorating his apartment and he said i can get him this coffee machine for his new place for housewarming. we even had a trip planned the next day, we didn't end up going obviously.

 

i wrote him an email few days later owning up to the things he told me i did wrong (pushy, mean attitude and judgmental) and said i think we make a good team and we want the same things out of life (we do, extremely aligned in fact) and to ask him to reconsider. he never wrote back and has never reached out to me again. his friends said he has been very tight lipped. it has been almost 2 months and i have not heard a peep from him at all and i know he has been keeping himself occupied (he's a car enthusiast and bought 2 cars the weekend after we broke up) and unfollowed me on instagram (i don't get it because...he dumped me but doesn't want to see my face?). worst thing is, his friends in his new town has been reinforcing that he made the right choice since they are all single. he is 29 and i'm 30 btw.

 

any thoughts on what i can do? other than the email i sent, we have not had any communication since Jan 1. he has not reached out at all! i think i should move on and see if he comes back. i don't think there's much else i can do...i just find it very difficult to move on, because i don't understand why if we love each other that he isn't willing to work things out? i don't understand what is going on and am going crazy a little bit...

[lostgirl123]

sorry to hear about the break up. it does seem like you guys love each other dearly but lacked some communication

 

he was very unhappy coping in a new place and that translated to his attitude towards other people. of course, being the girlfriend, you're super sensitive to that since it's not like him. i guess at that point, you could've picked up on that and communicated how that made you feel coming from a non-attacking place.

 

you guys seem to brush the problem away rather than dealing with it, hence the resentments resurface after another huge argument. he seems to have a lot of resentments about the way you communicate with him. he is saying that you're "pushy" and you make him feel "awful" for a reason.

 

he unfollowed you because he doesn't want to be reminded of you. at this point, you can't really do much. you already wrote him an email apologizing and suggesting a solution to make things work, but he doesn't have the energy or desire work things out with you. he really just needs space right now and you should give him that. the more you try to talk him into getting back, the more you'll end up pushing him away.

[undergirl]

thanks lostgirl123, i agree with what you are saying. i'm just so afraid he has made his mind up and we will never get back together again - which seems to be what i need to assume at this point. i just have so much self-blame, and it is such a shame to just give up on our relationship. he thinks i don't know what exactly i've done wrong, and it's true because he was never able to verbalize it other than that i'm "pushy". would it be a bad idea to get his friends/our friends to talk to him or would you think that would push him away as well?

[lostgirl123]

it wont be a good idea to get the friends to talk to him about it if he knew you were the one instigating. he made it very clear that he doesn't want to try any more and getting friends involved might push him further away. also, you don't want that to be your communication style where whenever you guys get into a big argument, your friends steps in to help with the communication.

 

don't blame yourself too much. he was going through a lot but shouldn't have let it affected the relationship. unfortunately, that's real life it's not all sunshine and rainbow and that's why communication is so important. we all want to be understood and don't like to be criticized.

 

i think if you really want to get back with him, you should ask him to meet up to have a mature and open conversation. but do at your own risk because there's a chance that he doesn't want to get back with you. seeing that it's been two months and he still hasn't reached out to you, he probably isn't ready yet. he knows where to find you if he starts missing you.

[Brotherhood67]

Sorry for asking but did you visit him there during those few months ?

 

Did he live in an apartment or house there ?

[undergirl]

he has been living there for 2 years, coming back in town (his family and friends are all here) about every 3 weeks.

 

yeah i've visited a couple of times, most recently about less than a month before he came back in town in mid december for christmas. he lives in an apartment.

[Brotherhood67]

he has been living there for 2 years, coming back in town (his family and friends are all here) about every 3 weeks.

 

yeah i've visited a couple of times, most recently about less than a month before he came back in town in mid december for christmas. he lives in an apartment.

 

Thanks for your answer.

Hum, sounds a lot like my own story, except I was the man and I got dumped.

You know, leaving everything behind (especially someone you love deeply) when moving out is one of the most difficult thing to do in one's life... Heck, I remember my first month of LDR : I missed her so deeply that I was incapable of doing anything more than going to work and stay at home thinking of her... Even if you're responsable for moving out (job, etc.), you sometimes can't help but feel completely abandoned and thus, try to overfocus on things that make you feel good and, in a relationship, that's often your SO.

 

When I asked about you going there to see him, I just wanted to know because, in my case, seeing her coming here in order to see me more often would have eased thé pain. That's selfish, maybe, but not less than leaving your SO to come home everytime... He probably felt that he had to make all the efforts and that you weren't supportive enough : you phoned everyday and, unfortunately, he blew off some steam on you each time because I think that he was looking for support and reassurance about your love and your situation. I do not pretend to know about your relationship but if he was in this state of mind, hearing you yell at him inevitably made him feel terrible... It's like looking for help from someone only to see him/her answer with things like "man up' !", "don't be such a wuss etc."... It's like telling a someone plagued with disease to just stop complaining... It creates à feeling of guilt which sits on top of an already-existing pain caused by à LDR...

 

I do not want to make you feel bad, just give my 2 cents because our stories are quite similar. In my opinion, let him have his "time off" and try to stay in NC for the moment. If he cares for you, he'll get in touch someday, maybe to experience if you've really changed ;-)

[undergirl]

Thanks for your answer.

It's like looking for help from someone only to see him/her answer with things like "man up' !", "don't be such a wuss etc."... It's like telling a someone plagued with disease to just stop complaining... It creates à feeling of guilt which sits on top of an already-existing pain caused by à LDR...

 

thanks for your input. i agree with you that's how i made him feel sometimes, especially over the phone. he actually goes out a lot with the few friends he has in that town, who are horrible influences (in their mid 30s and party like they are 18 - with money). when we broke up thought we did it face to face and i know the future of our relationship has been on his mind, but i'm also sure he broke up impulsively, and being extremely stubborn he is sticking to it.

 

what hurts is, he is doing a lot of things in his power to NOT think about the break up at all, just "eternal sunshine" me out of his life. we actually saw each other 3 days after the break up, it was new years eve and all our friends were in the same place (we had plans with our friends, with about 50+ of our friends). that night i kept it together completely fine, we exchanged hellos but that's really it. we are seen by our friends as the power couple so that night when our friends saw it, it was pretty much like a press conference of us telling everyone we broke up. it was pretty horrible...

[Brotherhood67]

I feel for you, really... Our couple also was considered as rock - solid by our friends and families, they were stunned by this break-up... Heck, even I was stunned...

Sometimes, it's the most solid couple (in appearance) that breaks up the fastest and most brutally... I think à great part of the reason for this is to be found in a lack of communication - couples are more solid in reality when they talk to each other and compromise. Putting things under the rug always comes back to bite you in the a**... And unfortunately with LDR, this solution is always the first one to be used in order to focus on loving each other when the chance to be together arrives every X weeks...

 

You can trust me, it gets better, even if a LDR break-up because of this sole reason is extremely unfair... But again, keeping a couple working needs two...

[AutumnBorn]

Undergirl, you ask what you can do.

 

You can move forward. Live your life like it's on steroids. Go out. Have adventures. Make new friends. Learn new things. Become the one who got away. Don't obsess over what he says you did (sometimes it's nothing more than an excuse to break things off).

 

Read Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. Read Al Turtle's website (every page): link removed. Re-read Al's website, or better yet, go see him in Anacortes at the Anacortes Center for Happiness, March 1-2 (I think).

 

Make small physical changes (part your hair on the side, get highlights, wear more or less makeup). Exercise (to boost endorphins). Volunteer for a cause you believe in (you'll become more interesting). Spend real (not virtual) time with friends. Take a weekend trip to a nearby place you'd like to explore. Clean out your closet and get rid of all clothes that don't reflect your personal style.

 

LIVE YOUR LIFE OUTLOUD.

 

And, when he hears about your fabulous life (and he will, one day) and how great you look, then comes sniffing around…maybe you'll give him another chance. Or maybe an amazing new guy will be on your arm and he won't have the audacity to even try.

 

Good luck!

[undergirl]

AutumnBorn, thanks for your advice...

 

i'm trying to move forward, but i seem quite stuck because i feel like i never got closure and i'm not quite sure how to give myself closure either. i've been filling my weekends with friends and activities, have been going to yoga, scheduled a trip in april (can't get away before that unfortunately), focusing on work (that is quite difficult as i just want to "google my way" out of this heartbreak at work), trying to meet new people...it has been six weeks! i felt better for maybe a week and then since last week i started to revert back to the "why" and "i can't believe this is happening is this real?"...i think i'll seek out a counselor next.

 

throughout our relationship even leading up to the break up, he would always tell me how lucky he is to have me and how i'm the best thing that has ever happened to him. this might be the break up talking, but i just can't imagine finding another person as compatible...and good lord we have over 200 common friends! even though i know we may never be together again (ouch), i just find it unbelievable he has not gotten in touch once since we broke up from such a significant relationship!