Am I completely stupid and insecure??

[duchesstigerlily]

I'll try and keep this relatively short. Ok, well my boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. We are talking about moving in together and eventually getting married.

 

This past weekend he decided to show me some video footage from some gigs he played with a band he was in back home (he moved out to this area about 3 years go). I was really enthusiastic about seeing it because I know its something that is important to him. Anyway, at one point in the video he rewinds the tape and says 'I'm only going to ever do this once but this story is sort of funny'...so he stops the tape and points out some girl in the background and says 'that was my old girlfriend and see that guy behind her? he was totally trying to hit on her...'.

 

Um...WHY would I want to know that? Is this ridiculous but I felt totally jealous that he would even talk about her (he NEVER talks about past relationships) and for some reason I just felt really bad after that. I got really quiet and didnt want to say anything to him about how I was feeling because it seemed so petty.

 

Has anyone else ever experienced this sort of jealousy? I mean none of his ex-girlfriends are present in his life....so it isnt that kind of jealousy. I just have this thing where I really dont want to know anything about his ex's...what they looked like and so on.

 

I also started feeling insecure...wondering if she was better then me and so on. Can anyone relate? I just dont even see why he would want to point that out to me anyway....why would I care that some guy tried to hit on his ex at one of his gigs? Can someone PLEASE give some insight into all this?

[ticklebug]

just like you have past bf's, he has past gf's....it's just how it goes. He's comfortable bringing her up because she means nothing to him anymore...

 

you, quite possibly, took it as if he still thinks about her....

 

but really...if you replay the footage back in your mind...and it was just two people he pointed out not mentioning it was his ex...WAS the guy hitting on her acting like a dingbat? WAS it funny?

 

He was just sharing a memory with you...he had no idea at the time anything about ex's was something you were uncomfortable with...it probably never came up...so you kinda punished him for doing something he had no idea would be a problem.

 

If you would rather not hear about his ex's...then you need to sit down and say look, I know this sounds silly but I apologize how I reacted at the video, I know I was wrong for it...but I'd ratehr keep our past relationships where they are...in the past...even though I know I'm not the first girl you've been with...it's uncomfortable to think about.

 

If he cares, he will respect that....if he doesn't....well, he isn't the right guy.

[Bingo72]

Almost 100% of the time a person that does something like this is somehow wanting you to know that they are a "desireable" person too. The worst thing to do is to let him know it got to you.

 

I think it would bother that girl more to see that he's with you now. Sometime he'll have to see one of your ex's. He may not say anything but I can bet you that he'll think the same thing.

[duchesstigerlily]

Well, I didnt actually react at all on the outside. He had no idea that it bothered me or that anything was bothering me. I thought how I was feeling might seem stupid so I kept it to myself and basically I am very much interested in knowing if other people have ever felt like that...even though it seems irrational.

 

He really never brings it up....so I wouldnt try and set boundaries around it since it doesnt happen all the time. I just felt, at the time, that maybe he was trying to make me jealous (stupid, I know).

 

I know he is totally the right guy...which is why I didnt want to make a big deal about something that small but I still feel the need to get out my feelings (just not to him)

 

I'm 6 years younger then him and he is the first guy I have ever had sex with....so maybe it bothers me that there were at least 4 others before me and inside I just wonder if I'm good enough. I have had boyfriends and fooled around but hadnt gone all the way...maybe if I had the experience to match his I wouldnt be bothered by all this stuff so much. I dont know, I just feel really dumb right now.

 

The thing is that you could hardly see his ex and the guy supposedly hitting on her...they were 2 black shadows basically. So it wasnt like I could see something funny going on....his comment or story just seemed out of place.

[duchesstigerlily]

Fides,

 

Yeah I sort of thought it might be his way of pointing it out that other people have wanted him too. We have had an issue lately where he is jealous of a guy friend I spend 8 hours a day with at my co-op placement for college. This guy has a girlfriend and is just a friend. I love my boyfriend very much and am not interested in anyone else. So it might be that he was trying to make me feel something he is feeling...I dont know...it seems pretty complicated.

[Bingo72]

Also remember that even though you haven't been with anyone else and he has, which you said makes you uneasy just knowing there were others, turn the tables on him. Think about how worried he might be that since he is your only experience that YOU might stray. I think it all equals out in the end.

[duchesstigerlily]

Thanks Fides...you're actually making me see some sense...which is totally what I needed

[Yorkrose23]

It is totally normal to feel jealous about past relationships!

To me, it shows that you really love him. So relax! When you start thinking about marrying someone in particular it becomes hard becuase you imagine you and he together forever and never want to think about anyone else. But the fact of the matter is you've both ahd past relationships and if indeed you do get married, chances are you'll learn about them anyway. Him pointing out an old gf, I just think that is harmless, he probably saw it as trivial. If it really bothered you, you should tell him so. But maybe as time passes, you'll discover that it is useless to be jealous of the past. It's past, he clearly loves you, I wouldn't worry.