Missing verbally abusive ex - 6th week of NC

[ninjagirl]

Hi all,

 

Thought I'd post here because I was suddenly feeling sad tonight, after 6 weeks of no contact with my ex. Sorry for the long post! We were together for about 8 years--we lived together the whole time--and broke up officially a couple of months ago. I am now in NY and he's in San Francisco. I moved after I realized we were going to break up anyway. We're both in our 30s.

 

We broke up while both of us were still totally in love. I was his first and he was my fourth. The reasons for the breakup are complicated--we generally got along great--we felt fated for each other and all that--but then we would get into these horrible fights when we got critical of each other. At those times, if I disagreed with him, he would tell me I was foolish and an idiot--all the stuff he knew my parents had called me when they were upset with me (they were also verbally abusive). I would sometimes criticize him, too for not being able to keep money in the bank (he considers himself a self-styled entrepreneur, i.e. he stays home and creates his own businesses because he could never handle working for anyone...and he still owes me a few thousand dollars that he borrowed). He criticized me for having a stressful career, for my family being dysfunctional (although his family was also dysfunctional), for gaining 10 lbs after getting on an anxiety medication to deal with stuff from my family (he criticized me for not exercising enough, although the weight gain was because of the meds, not lack of exercise) and for having a hard time after my best friend's dad died.

 

This was a man who, for the most part, was constantly telling me I was an amazing woman--intelligent, beautiful, unique, talented, etc., and that he would probably never love anyone else as deeply. We had hoped to marry some day. But when I talked to him on Halloween, our anniversary, it was hard--he said he in many ways had "already moved on" (which I read as "I've already started dating someone else") and he was encouraging me to do the same.

 

Another thing--dring our last conversation, he admitted that he had been verbally abusive to me, and that a stronger woman would have left him a long time ago. He called me "irresponsible" for not having found a counselor yet. (I had just moved to New York one month before and was still looking for a job). Friends since then, even mutual friends, have stepped forward to tell me they didn't like the way he treated me and felt like I should be with someone who appreciated what an amazing person I was. I'm financially stable, moving forward in my careeer, giving, funny...I tend to get a lot of compliments for my looks, brains and personality. So why do I miss this guy who was abusive to me? Why do I wonder if he's missing me? Some friends of mine have spoken to him since we'e been doing NC and say they really don't think he's dating anyone...they say he acts weird/seems like he's having a hard time.

 

If our love was strong and unique, if I'm as amazing as he said I was, why isn't he calling me? Doesn't he miss me? Or do some people just decide to end things and not look back--especially guys?

 

Thanks for any responses--you guys are great!

[ticklebug]

that is your idea of love? Don't confusing missing having someone special in your life with missing HIM.

 

Considering the fact that your parents were verbally abusive I guess that doesn't surprise me but regardess of how long you were together...that was NOT love.

 

What you had..was a co-dependent competition that went on 7 years and 359 days too long.

 

Love isn't a competition...and the sad part is you competed not only in regard to good qualities, but negative ones as well...you two fed off each other for years...that old cliche rings true in this case...people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones...

 

I know you'd like to think he is sitting there sad and feeling like he has los tthe best thing that happened to him...but I doubt in the whole time you have ever known him....his "sight" didn't go much psat the nose on his face.

 

Of course he is miserable, of course he isn't doing well...he's been miserable & not doing well since the day you two met...

 

although I refuse to call you irrresponsible for not getting into a therapist yet...you really do need to consider getting that done...so that the next guy who has the nerve to call you anything but wonderful...had better run....

[GreatGuy]

Please listen to Ticklebug, although her words sometimes "buzz" and sting ( ) like a bee...or in her case ...bug. I have to say she is on the money about most of it. And about your last line "Doesn't he miss me? Or do some people just decide to end things and not look back--especially guys?", I think you'll see after reading alot in this site that both sexes do that sometimes. It really doesn't matter we're all people and we make mistakes and act funny at times.

I would never call any women stupid, idiot...or anything that could hurt you especially if you confided in me about the abuse you received from your parents. But lets focus about now....you must feel like crap....8 years for this?......and how could he leave you after all you did for him?

You have many questions in your head and simply the biggest question you haven't asked is Do I love me? By answering that you will take matter into your own hands and begin the process of healing(be it with a therapist as TickB suggested) or with the support of people and friends like us. I really think you are a beautiful person inside, you should not forget that(and you don't need us to say it for it doesn't matter what we say). And maybe letting time do its work could be beneficial.

I hope you find the strenght to get your money back, your respect back, your self love back.

 

ps: Please forgive me if I am off. I am new here and I often get feedback from Ticklebug-Mentor and many more. I am not assuming to be an expert, so only take what you feel is useful.

[ninjagirl]

If I thought that what we had was love, and it isn't, then what is the definition of love?

 

that is your idea of love? Don't confusing missing having someone special in your life with missing HIM.

 

Considering the fact that your parents were verbally abusive I guess that doesn't surprise me but regardess of how long you were together...that was NOT love

 

After eight years, we were still able to stay up until 2 in the morning some nights, having long dinners we'd made together and pouring our hearts out about our views of the world and feelings for each other. We never ran out of things to talk about, and often felt like we were on the same wavelength about things. We both played guitar, sang, gardened, painted, read things....He crafted things for me--a silver bracelet that replicated one he had. Physically, we were perfect together.

 

I don't mean to go off about him--maybe this is all a sign of the codependence/abuse...but those things are what make it so hard to think that it WASN'T love. We felt very comfortable with and excited about each other from the very start, and that never faded.

 

I am getting counseling now, by the way, now that I've had time to find a good one and have a job that can pay for it. GreatGuy, I hear you! I am working on supporting myself, learning to love me and depending on the support of great friends.

 

I know you'd like to think he is sitting there sad and feeling like he has los tthe best thing that happened to him...but I doubt in the whole time you have ever known him....his "sight" didn't go much psat the nose on his face.

 

As a good friend of mine put it, she thinks he has a major bolt missing that lets him see when saying some things are appropriate and when they're not. Part of it was because he was really immature, part of it is because he got a little screwed up when his own parents divorced and he had to sleep on the couch for 2 years so his mother could take his bedroom. Not saying I wasn't critical sometimes, but I certainly never stooped to calling him an idiot.

 

Thanks for your responses!

[Enn]

Some people are just 'broken'. My ex was, I'm on sixth week of no contact too, but we were only together for 15 months. *He* was the one who disappeared in our case. I just haven't contacted him since. I had to let him know, one way or another, that his behaviour was unacceptable. He wasn't listening anymore, and no longer felt he had to apologise for mental abuse.

 

My dad died earlier this year and after an initial period of understanding and helpfulness he's been cruel to me all year. Every time I showed grief (I now have no immediate family) he'd say I was 'egocentric' and 'what about my problems?!' That's why the remark about 'competition' struck home. If someone said to me they were upset about something I wouldn't feel the need to say 'What about me?!'

 

My counsellor blames his relationship with his own parents, which means he has to sabotage every relationship he's involved with. And I agree with the people in here - this man has *always* been miserable.

 

Very shortly, we are going to feel totally liberated, you know that?! In the meantime you've done great - keep it up!

[ninjagirl]

Thanks Enn, Ticklebug, GreatGuy!

 

Your messages made me feel a lot better. I emailed my ex about the money today and he emailed me back, saying I had been more than fair and that he would send me a check by the end of the year.

 

I was just talking to my friend about memories I had of my ex trying to control me and other people. For example, he used to try to prevent me from being nice to our mutual roommate because he didn't get along with the guy and was afraid the guy would be using me as a way of getting back at him. A friend just pointed out, that is extremely controlling behvaiour and shows that the guy had major issues.

 

With the money, I was afraid he was going to do something like go to Spain for a month and then tell me: "I can't pay you just now--sorry!" Sad thing is, there are decent parts to him, too, and that's why he agreed to pay the money off.

 

Enn, I'm sorry you had to go through your relationship with this guy. It's so confusing, isn't it? Because they also have thier good sides... But I'm sure that, in time, you will realize that you're better off with someone who is good to you. As for him, he'll probably never find anyone as awesome as you again whose willing to put up with his ****.

 

Yes, we will feel liberated!

[Mentor]

+1

 

Ticklebug has consistently impressed me with her spot on analysis and advice on this forum. I can not really add anything, I just want to second what she said. Heed her words!

 

It is good that you are getting your money back. Even though the relationship was not a nuturing and healthy one, you seem to be trying to move on with grace and maturity.

 

Best wishes.

[Scottrn]

For me the MOST important thing to remember is that nothing we do or experience is a waste. Everything teaches us something, it's important to try to heak and not let it harden your heart, for you are growing into the person you are supposed to become, and when you get there, your mate will be waiting.

At least I hope so!