My Sex Addiction Story

[vix8]

I'm an ex sex addict and this is my story, and at the end is the issue it has left me with.

 

So I used to have a sex addiction problem. It wasn't as bad as other sex addicts because it never stemmed from sexual abuse. I'm not really sure how it developed, but guessing it was from my low self-esteem and low value of self worth. I used sex as a way to feel loved, wanted, and secure. Sometimes it was with people who I was never attracted to, sometimes I let people take advantage knowing that I'll ease into it in a few minutes, and sometimes I would literally hunt for people I desired to sleep with. I even developed being bisexual for women just because it was viewed as sexually arousing and gave me more exciting opportunities, and more people to sleep with. And I acted out in some bad ways, even having threesomes in only high school. The worst two things I've ever done was sleep with my best friends boyfriend just because he came on to me and I couldn't stop it because I needed his desire for me, and then I made underage porn films of myself and sold them on Myspace to strangers. I was the talk of the school that's for sure. All this behaviour died down when I felt what I thought was love from my first serious boyfriend in grade 12.

 

I had no problem being monogamous, as long as I was getting a ton of sex and engaging in "out of the norm" behaviour with that person. I became addicted to my boyfriend because he gave me everything that I searched for through sex. He cheated on me constantly and I couldn't leave him because I was scared of never experiencing or being fulfilled with what he gave me again. The constant hurt I received, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and I grew more possessive as the relationship progressed. I finally decided to cheat back, and cheating allowed me to break free from the relationship, and so I left him. I cheated on him with two girls in a hostel bunk room and got kicked out by the cops and was left on the streets in the city with no where to go for the whole night. I ended up getting to know one of the girls better and we had a summer fling, finding that same security in her. I realized she was just like me, and that mutual understanding didn't require us to commit, we just had our sessions. But she would bluntly tell me who she was sleeping with, and it was like I was numb to being cheated on and I didn't care. I stuck with her til the end of the summer when I met a new guy who was four years younger than me.

 

We started sleeping together when I was 20 and he was 16. We actually started hanging out as friends first, realizing he was a minor, I didn't want to go any further than friends. But again, I found that something in him that I was looking for. Filling my hole of loneliness maybe? His sex drive was very normal and he couldn't keep up with me later on in the relationship when the excitement of something new died down. He would sometimes say no, and I would get upset over his rejections. I didn't realize that he was saying no because he couldn't have that much sex, and selfishly took it as an insult. My most important need was to feel desired all the time, and especially when I demanded it. My possessive side started to come out from my cheating ex, and anxieties of being cheated on couldn't be controlled, and I took it all out on him. I basically pushed him slowly out of my life. The more I got rejected (and eventually not just sex, but with everything), the more I tried to control him. The rejection got so bad to the point where I just left him because he wouldn't break up with me, and he wasn't coming to see me anymore. He came back to me a few months later, and for the first time in my life I was able to control my need for sex when he tried, because I felt like I didn't need it anymore. It was almost as if he rejected me so much to the point where I realized that sex doesn't bring me love, security, or cure loneliness. As hard as it was, I said no, because I knew he only came back to me to fill HIS hole of loneliness. Loneliness was the reason we came together in the first place. I decided that I don't deserve love until I find the love within myself to give. I re-evaluated my self worth, and decided I didn't want to be the filling of someones hole, nor did I want someone to fill mine. I wanted to have a bond with another person that gives room for us both to grow, rather than eating each other up until our souls die.

 

Well it was too late for me, my soul was already dead, but this realization I had gave me such a determined and powerful drive to get better. So for seven months after the break up I didn't have sex with anyone. Mostly because I needed to work on myself, but also a lot to do with the fact that I didn't trust anyone. So many people have holes to fill, how could I ever know if I'm their filling? Over the course of these seven months, I did the most growing I've ever done in my life. I became intensely aware of myself, and analyzed everything I felt bad about and made peace with it. Though I felt content, and was over everything that happened, I was left feeling numb inside.

 

Then I finally hooked up with a friend of four years whom I went on vacation with. I trusted him as a friend, and so I felt okay with it. It was just a mutual attraction that needed to happen eventually. Then I started seeing a girl a few months later and I was really starting to like her, yet I could sense she was very cold when it came to touch, such as cuddling. She told me people always run out of her life. She moved some where far for a year, and we are still staying in touch. She gave me a lot of confidence as a human being, and I thank her for that silently in my head all the time.

 

Then I re-met a guy at a concert who is one of my best friends, friend. We actually met first during those seven dry months, but I was very unavailable at that time. Because of the the relationship with my friend, and the one with the girl who moved away, they changed me, and I payed more attention to this guy this time. We ended up getting along very well and continued to see each other afterwards. After some hard chasing on his end, I am now together with this guy in a committed relationship, and I've never felt so loved, respected, connected, free, and trusting. We have the exact same morals and values, and we can talk about anything and everything. No judgement ever on either ends. We are able to talk about our bad pasts, and take pride in coming so far and finding each other. There is so much potential to grow off from each other. But now my past sex addiction has left me the residue of the problem. I thought time would shake off my numbness, but it still lingers. Not a numbness as in I don't feel, but rather a numbness as in feeling like my dreams have been shattered. I literally don't have strong dreams like I used to, and my soul feels dead. Maybe I need more time and have to just keep waiting it out. I haven't stopped bettering myself, because I am determined. But instead of feeling determined to feel whole like I did when I had my sex addiction, I am feeling determined to be excited about life and the future.

 

I never went to therapy for my addiction, suicide thoughts, depression, and anxiety. I attempted after I left the boyfriend who rejected me, but felt as though the therapists didn't understand me, so I decided to take action and look within myself for answers. It worked... but now I'm here feeling lost. Perhaps more time will heal. Maybe I still need to rest my head. And thankfully I have a wonderful, supportive boyfriend.

[meoww]

I actually think therapy often helps healthy people more than dysfunctional or unhealthy people who need a strong and constant support system. Do you have any role models? It sounds corny but having role models and mentors can help guide your life in so many ways. Hopefully there is someone in your life that you think is really wise or inspiring. If not, there are countless people, dead or alive that have done amazing things with their lives. It might help you start to go in the direction you want in life eventually.

 

I also recommend visiting tons of sites like these and reading up on sex addiction. Hearing from survivors and people who healed from adversity helps so much! The more I read about my own issues, the more I learned how to deal with them and more I realized I wasn't alone.

[vix8]

I actually never even realized my addiction until that last bad break up where I was always rejected. I really needed that to realize who I was, like a wake up call. Unfortunately I don't really have any role models. The most inspiring person I know is Alex Grey (artist and he does talks). Very spiritual man, so I can relate to him in many ways. I think it would be more helpful if I had someone in my life who inspired me that I personally know. So far my new boyfriend has been doing a great job at that, but I still have that feeling in the front of my heart to not let my guard down completely with someone I'm emotionally involved with. I'm afraid of getting hurt, and I'm afraid of relapsing into being sickly dependent on someone. I know this sounds kind of arrogant, but I sometimes feel that I'm the most wise person I know, because I learned to heal myself all on my own, no one helped me because no one could understand me so I gave up reaching out for help. I'm always teaching everyone around me, no one ever teaches me. It kind of sucks. I should definitely look up more sites though!

[Adama]

vix8, I can relate a bit to how you feel though in a different way - we all are unique after all.

I have always loved sex. I even still remember the first time I ejaculated (from masturbation) when I was a young kid because I had never and to this day still have never felt such an immensely intense biological feeling of pleasure in my life. It was such a unique and powerful feeling that I can still remember the event and with a degree of vividness. I am 43 years old now and that must have been when I was some age younger than, I don't know, maybe 10. I have never tried a drug in my life and have only became drunk from alcohol maybe 3 to 5 times in my whole life. Part of the reason is because I know how powerfully alluring, how strong an attraction to something can be when you feel such unbelievably intense biological pleasure as I did when I first ejaculated. I of course wanted to feel it again, and again. So in a way, it provided a protective barrier to other things that people can get hooked on (e.g., like drugs and alcohol) because I knew and know that I would be vulnerable.

 

I don't know why some people like sex more than others. For me, I think it is the combination of: physical pleasure, excitement with sharing something physical with a woman, and fantasy. The more wild, the more interesting for me, then the more pleasurable. Now take my wife, for example. Actually, we are really not compatible sexually. She likes the romance side of it (which I also like) and is not interested in trying new things, etc. I also like romantic evenings and romantic sex, but my interests are not limited to that. And she has nowhere near (not even in the same ballpark) the sex drive that I have. I mean I love sex. I could do it hours on end (if it were physically possible - guys testicles get fairly painful after about 3 to 4 times in a row). But, from your description, it seems that it is not the sex itself that drives you, but rather a feeling of longing, of being held and loved by another. Part of me thinks, why is sex bad if it provides you some of that feeling; but the other part of me thinks that maybe that not good because the feeling of longing, being held and loved should be through mutually satisfying communication. It sounds like your boyfriend is a great guy for you. It is a very special thing to find just the right person to be with. (I certainly didn't when it comes to the bedroom.) I wish you well!

[vix8]

Thanks for your input and story! I think the reason why using sex for the feeling of longing can be bad at the certain point to addiction, because there's something deep down inside of you that is incredibly insecure and needs to be secure and healed. And nothing beats a human connection, especially when shared with someone special.

[Adama]

Ya, definitely. If you can, for example, stay up all night (or all day, etc.) just talking hours on end with your boyfriend (or close friend - female or male --, etc. etc.), that kind of human connection would probably be the most powerful, complete, healthy way to be in heaven in terms of satisfying the feeling of longing. Mutually connecting together on an emotional level. Actually, for me, this site, these interactions kind of feel a little bit that way. I just found this site the other day. Sounds like you have things going great from what you have written -- like you're at peace; I'm really happy for you!

[meoww]

Glad to hear you're in a healthy relationship, because it really stood out to me that you said you're often supporting others and giving them advice without getting what you need in return. Sounds like you're perhaps an underachiever in some way? Even if it's just when it comes to making friends who are on your level and good for you. I can relate to that. I think you definitely need some new friends. I really think you'll feel so much more grounded if you find at least 2 people who you really respect in your life. Sorry if I was vague about that role models stuff...I think was trying to convey that you probably aren't being the person you were meant to be. Sometimes drawing inspiration from others we admire can activate that hope and motivation inside us that is crucial to making changes.

 

Whether you choose to make big changes or smaller scale decisions, I hope you find a way to feel fulfilled. Sorry for the late reply, hopefully you'll get a chance to read this.

 

Compulsions and addictions really suck because they are so hard to control. I really don't know how I can help in that regard. When it comes to that you really might want to get help. Sometimes you'll get to that point where the negative consequences outweigh the benefits so you'll just start healing naturally. But sometimes it can be like a scab you keep picking at. I think the best advice I can give you is to never stop fighting and believing that you can eventually stop being addicted.

[Romeo November]

Everybody is unique. People have different needs and the amount they need it in. You just need to find somebody that satisfies you enough.