What should I do??

[trentrez]

Hi, I'm very confused prob for the first time ever, and could use some good outside advice. especially from a female prospective.

I'll try to keep it brief:

Me and ex-girlfriend, were together 3 and a half years, we split about 8 months ago, basically I had (true) led her to believe I didn't want kids etc andf she got tired of waiting for me to propose/comitment stuff. When it came about I realised I did want to comit but then it turned out she'd been cheating in the last couple of months of our relationship. Tried to win her back, she seemed unsure but finally went off with new bloke and 2 months ago went to live with him in another city.

Okay thats the background. I have tried to forget about her, but she now emails me a couple of times a week, nothing about 'us', just what she's been up to, although she has said she misses her mates and home etc.

 

I have been replying with a bit of general chit chat, probaly because I still love her and hold some sort of hope that if we stay in touch we may get back together.

Now here is where I get real confused, here are what i think are the cons: I know its extremely unlikely we that we would ever be back together, it's also crossed my mind that she is only probaly emailing me because she is a bit lonely/homesick, I also think that maybe that if I were in her shoes I wouldn't have that much respect for someone who I've cheated on and left, but who replies to all my emails like a 'mate' . I also think that while I reply to her emails, it slows/prevents me getting over her.

 

However on the other hand: I think if I don't reply, u know cut her off so I can fully heal, I lose the small chance that by staying matey and in touch we might get back together. Then there is the issue of why is she emailing an ex-boyfriend whilst living with a new one, does she miss me, or is she just trying to ease her guilt by making out we're mates?

 

So i really don't know what to do, keep corresponding or not or something else?? All help gratefully appreciated

 

Trent

[mcpiper]

Whats wrong with being friends for awhile? After all isn't that the way it started? You can still heal and maintain your friendship with her. Maybe by staying friends you can get back what was lost if anything.;o}

[trentrez]

Its not that simple...is it? She's off with another bloke, but emailing me as a friend after we were partners/lovers for 3 and a half years. I appreciate the reply but maybe u missed some of my queries about 'healing', getting over things, i mean i was hurt. It would be nice to stay in touch if were about getting back together, but it doesn't feel that simple to become 'friends' with someone you've got that time in on who is now shacked up with some other guy. I don't want to be good friends, she was my lover and partner

[kate111]

Yours is not a straightforward situation.

 

She cheated on you but perhaps it was understandable given that you were probably hurting her feelings and pushing her away by stating your desire not to have kids etc.

 

Is this still the case by the way? Because if it is, and your exgirlfriend does, i find it hard to justify you guys getting back together. Perhaps your break up was for the best becuase you share very duifferent goals in life.

 

If you think you can compromise or that you have changed your mind about these important life decsions then you must work at getting your ex back.

 

The fact that she is emailing you does suggest she misses you. She may just miss certain things about you that she doesnt get from her current squeeze.

 

Hard to say what to do. Perhaps just a nice light hearted email every once in a while. Just to let her know you are still interested. you could slowly get to know her again through these contacts and once you gain her trust let her know that you understand why she left you and that your views on things have changed.

 

Just dont get to be too good friends-matey matey with her. Because you must keep some mysery in order to attract her as a lover not a friend.

[landclark]

I posted this as a separate topic, but think it's good for you. My ex tried to maintain contact with me, because he liked talking to me, but it caused more pain then it was worth. Now we can't stand to even see each other.......

 

Trust me, maintaining contact is a bad idea........

 

 

Topic _ wrong wrong wrong

 

you can't be friends after a break up. That's wrong, and bad advice. If you are the one who was left, it's devastating. It screws with your head, your heart, your self esteem. My last break up was so painful, it literally almost killed me. I wanted to die almost every day for 6 months just to make the pain go away. I felt I did something wrong, that I was somehow less of a person. It hurt, so very much. It kept me from working, from living. It was horrible. I tried so hard to make amends for whatever it was I felt that I had done wrong. I wanted to keep him in my life. Wanted him to realize what he was missing. It was the only thing that kept me going.

 

The truth is though, I am better off. I spent so much time trying to figure out how to keep him in my life, that I just kept hurting myself more. I spent so much time trying to forget him, trying to get past him, not realizing that I just needed to accept the reality of the situation.

 

The reality was, there were good times, there were bad times. I was still the same person. I was still as incredible, even if he chose not to see it. The truth is, I didn't need to get over it, or forget him, because that meant letting go of the good memories as well. Truth is, I have some great memories. I just needed to accept that we couldn't have a relationship, of any type, through no fault of my own. I just needed to accept that, so I could move on with my life, and I finally have, and I finally feel good. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I miss him, sure, but I am happy and secure and confident that life does go on. He is not the last person I will love, or who will love me. He was a bump, a learning experience. He was fun while it lasted, and he left me with some good memories, but he is not my future, he is my past.

 

For all those feeling the heart break, for all those trying to hang on, I tell you, let go. Don't let go of that person, because it's not necessary, but let go of that feeling that you somehow need to keep them in your life. You can have good memories without having that person around all the time, or ever.

 

I almost killed myself over this person, more then once, literally. I know how much it hurts, and I know how good it feels to move on with your life, to wake up in the morning and look forward to whatever that day may bring.....

 

You are too precious. Life is too precious to dwell on the people who don't realize what you have to offer......

 

Don't waste your time trying to figure out how to keep them in your life. Spend your time living your life, doing what's good for you, whatever that may be. Trust me, it's easier then it looks.

 

This coming from a girl who 3 months ago took 15 sleeping pills, and probably would have kept going if it wasn't for the ex-husband that she dissed, who still loves her to this day because instead of forgetting me, chose to accept that we couldn't be together, and chose to remember every good thing instead of the bad........ He taught me a lot about life, love, acceptance. Learn from it, don't let it be the end of you.

 

Grieve, feel the pain, then accept it, and move on........

 

Love.....

 

Me

[ebola316]

It's true. If you're the dumpee, its almost impossible to be friend with the dumper. They are in a different mindset from us.

 

They have already moved forward, so it doesn't hurt them to engage us in stupid little chit-chat and mind games. But every phone call, every E Mail, puts us into this panic state of mind-trying to analyze every little thig they said, and driving ourselves nuts. Believe me, we are not having this effect on them.

 

The only way to get back half-way normal again is to ignore them. You can't be their friend, unless you didn't care that much to beging with anyway. Otherwise, its too hurtful.

 

Just don't talk to them. If they want us back, they know exactly how to go about it.

[trentrez]

Thanks for the replies,

 

Kate111, yes my goals have changed, and your advice is kinda of what i thought on the one hand, that she does miss me etc, but then the other people have said the exact opposite, that i shouldn't reply!!!

 

Still confused!!

[landclark]

Just ask her what her intentions are with emailing you. If it's just that she's homesick, then you need to get past hoping that you will get back together and decided if you can really just be friends.

 

I kept talking to my ex for months hoping that he would realize what he was missing, and would come back to me. What that lead too? Being heartbroken all over again when I found out he was dating somebody new.

 

My advice? Ask her what her intentions are instead of wondering about it. If you decided you can still be just friends, then leave it at just friends without hoping and planning for something more. I am sure it works out sometimes, but do you really want to be devastated all over again?

[mcpiper]

Sometimes being friends is better than nothing. It's up to you

[trentrez]

thx for the replie, but i know about breaking off completely, and the consequences of being mates, i just wanted some more specific advice, aka my original post

[kate111]

I would normally advocate no contact as well.

 

Out of sight is out of mind. The distance between you and the ex (no contact) helps one maintain distance and grow as an independent person. Contact only keeps you fixed to the person who dumped you. It enslaves you.

 

However this situation is a little bit different. Trent is aware that the break up was partly his fault by not proposing or commiting and the comment about not wanting kids could have caused the ex to reconsider her relationship with trent.

 

How long were you guys together for Trent? Were you really pushing her away with your attitude? This is what we need to find out about because if the Trent really pushed this girl away then technically speaking, he is partly the dumper.

 

I agree that sitting around worring about this girl and her motives is not a good idea. Because she could be playing mind games. But maybe her biological clock is ticking and she realised that she had to take a stand and move on from someone who would not commit to her.

 

If this is the case AND you have changed and realise now that you should have committed then i advocate telling her you made a mistake. What harm can it really do? The worst she can say is "well i left for different reasons i only want friendship with you now". Ecven if she says something like this at least you will have your answer and then you can do no contact and move on.

[fantasia2004]

hONEY THIS IS A SOAP OPERA!You do not nor do I have any time for this general hospital dribble. Get yourself together and wake up to reality and focus on the new beginning staying in the past makes you sick and unproductive the future lets you move like a train. Be the train like the wall not the rug can they run you over if you are a wall? No! So don't be a carpet. it cost money to clean your mess of self -pity off the floor.

[cassiana]

Okay here's my two cents which could be completely wrong but i'll give it a go.

Did you ever want something for so long and so badly that the longing wore you out?

I remember as a child that I wanted a hoop, I wanted it for ages and ages and everyone had one but me it seemed. I remember i got a little down and then to cheer me up my parents bought it for me. But at that stage it was too late. Something else was bothering me and the good of the hoop was worn away by the exhaustion of longing.

 

Your gf wanted commitment for you for so long that the constant frustration of her dreams had worn her down. Your good qualities were eroded in her mind by being associated with the negative feeling you produced in her by refusing to commit. After awhile you stopped being her nice boyfriend but became who denied her her dream. A dream of you and her together in a meaningful way. At a conscious or subconscious level you were secure of your knowledge of her love for you. So you ambled along complacently thinking that whenever you were ready she would jump to it.

BUT your ex is a person too and she got tired of waiting and probably feared that her childbearing years would be wasted, you would never decide to settle down and even if she couldn't have children you could always have them later and with someone else. You were thinking of yourself but if she didn't think of herself then shed be a bitter childless spinster and clearly her happiness was immaterial to you. So while still caring for you but afraid that you would continue to deny her her family she very practically decided to double her chances.

Now the fact that she was increasing her chances probably allowed her to relax about her sutuation and let her not push you so much. You sensed this subtle change at some level and this uncertainty or ,more relaxed attitude made her more attractive to you. So you decided to commit. But at this stage your rival had shown himself at least at this stage to be the more practical prospect. He is probably ready to commit. She may prefer you but fear that if she goes back to you that you will sink back into your complacency and ruin her hopes. So she is trying to make a choice that many women have to do. That's why shes emailing you.

 

Does that theory sound plausible?

[trentrez]

Yes it does, thx.

[cassiana]

So what's happened in the last week?