Had a dream

[doicare]

Hey there,

 

Pretty lame, but I had a dream that me ex contacted by messenger last night, it was so real. Right as I saw it pop up I woke up. Premonition? probably not

 

I was then tempted to check out fb, and I noticed all pics are still there etc. It's only been 3 days of NC since I happily and confidently said I only wanted her back as her bf and didnt want to just be friends Basically I ended this on my terms. After being offline on messenger for a couple weeks, right after our official send off conversation she reappeared online.

 

I waver between thinking she may reconnect, and thinking she wont. And through all this Im kind of apathetic towards the situation, as it seems to me that I can do better as I've never dated anyone whose exhibited such uncertainty for being with me (3.5 years of this). We ofc had some nice times, and there are many great things that I still love about her, but there are probably worse things about her that fundamentally made it way more trouble than it was worth. She never really seemed to fully want my presence in her life. Pretty lame on my part to allow myself to be in that situation.

 

Anyhow, Im looking forward to finding the right girl this time (Ive dated them in the past), though through all this Im still curious to see how the past plays itself out going forward.

 

Thanks for reading.

[doicare]

On another note, I know her family and extended family all adored me. I was totally friendly with all of them, cousins, horsing around and everything. Not to mention her friends too, always had super nice things to say to her about how awesome I was. Only person who didnt seem to really notice though was the girl I loved.

 

I am a happy confident and motivated person (still am and did 95% of everything she asked me. It was the 5% she held against me, as though I was the most evil person in the world. She on the otherhand held back everything. If she finds that guy who gives her 100%, I challenge him not to be some needy, desperate loser, which I dont think you can reconcile your self respect for the crap I flat out refused to do for her (ex: like leaving my job mid way through the day to run errands for her). meh!

[qpwoeiruty43]

Wow.. I envy that confidence in you... Good job! I dated someone who didn't seem to really want my presence in their life too.. Turned me into a clingy psycho trying to fight for a spot in their life... so that being said... i am very impressed.

[mia74]

I can relate to dreams. I keep having odd ones lately. Seems in some ways I was pushing to be in SO life in some ways. Weird in many ways. First guy I have even walked up to and initiated contact with. Then, he pursued me for over three years. Then when I began to pursue him back I noticed he did not pursue me as hard. The last few years I was the one that seemed to pursue more. I know what you mean when you say that they displayed uncertainty. I saw some of that on occasion. I mean, I felt like my SO was holding back and that was what got me. I am a hopeless romantic. He was the only one I ever dated that didnt push to have something more with me quickly.

[doicare]

yeah i hear you. Ive been through this so many times that I learned through the process, I even read a book (about 20 times) about how to win at the game of love. Now dont get me wrong, it's basically an exercise in what makes you an attractive BF/GF. Makes you understand how you are successful certain times and not others.

 

Basic ideas, are stay positive, have fun, set your limits and dont get walked all over, give them space for their love to grow (i.e. dont be needy), pull back when they start distancing themselves, and fill your life with passion, interests, friends so that your SO is not the center of your universe. Where I failed, was I let my parents health, the company I worked for went bankrupt and being laid off, moving, starting up my own company over the course of 8-10 months all stressed me out and I wore it a little on sleeve (I was bummed and stressed). Otherwise I was pretty good. When you read this book, it gives you confidence in yourself, and you just naturally start doing these things naturally so much so that you live constantly in this "winning" (yes charlie sheen reference state. I suggest you read "Love Tactics", it's a great book. More for understanding how certain actions attract vs repel.

[cryingalways]

Well I did all the good stuff you've mentioned with my ex-I had got a job that I wanted, pursuing my career, I gave him space if he wanted it and I tried to stand up for myself when he was horrible. All of these things he hated. But then also when I had no job and I called him lots, he hated that too. Such is an abusive relationship....

 

I am now keeping my distance after he dumped me in a controlling rage, trying to reassert the one thing I should have done more of "not letting myself get walked all over".

 

My friend's ex was like yours, she demanded he leave his job. He did it. He would buy her expensive things with all of his little money and she was intensely insecure he was cheating on her-whilst she was cheating on him lots. It's funny cause I can't understand why he would put up with that and he can't understand why I would put up with my ex. He's ok though. He still cares about her I think but he's got no interest in being with her again.

[doicare]

Well good for getting your distance cryingalways. It's funny how we we're drawn towards unhappy people.

 

As for your friend, her ex's behaviour reminds me of of a song called "untrustable". Ive posted the lyrics here. People actions are a reflection of how the feel about themselves. It's funny my gf's friend had a family and the wife totally ruled the roost, she was milking her husband dry of everything, and while she was nice to me, she just had this look on her face that she felt like she didnt have enough. I felt so bad for him because he was such a nice guy.

 

On another note I wonder if we were too focused on making our significant other's so happy that, that they were repelled away by that. I dont know, Im leaning towards not. A truly caring person supports the other to be the person they want to be. At least that's how I acted and felt towards her and you acted towards your guy. Im puzzled, but I guess what it comes down to is a) they have no confidence in themselves and are so deeply insecure that they project their negativity on others or b) their spoiled unhappy brats or c) they just feel like they can do better than us (which is likely not the case) or d) they will act like this towards all their relationships and be the source of unhappiness for whoever they end up with. Whatever it is, we're not interested in being around that.

 

Untrustable =

 

 

You can't trust anyone

'Cause you're untrustable

How can you trust someone

You know can't trust you?

 

You won't help anyone

'Cause you're unusable

No one can tie you down

No, you're nobody's fool

 

And I'd like to see it but it's something you just feel

And I'd like to feel it but it just isn't real

And god is whoever you're performing for

And god is whoever you perform for

 

You don't like anything

'Cause you're unlikable

All because you're not interested

In you anymore

 

It's so unthinkable

'Cause you don't think of it

How many ideas can fit

In your reality?

 

And I'd love to see it but it's something you just feel

And I'd like to feel it but it just isn't real

 

And I'd love to see it but it's something you just feel

And I'd like to feel it but it just isn't real

And god is whoever you're performing for

And god is whoever you perform for