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Am am the epitome of confusion


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I am in a daze right now...


Things had been going GREAT with this girl who I had been seeing for just over 2 months. I was taking it slow, going with the flow and not rushing anything.


Then I thought that maybe I was holding back too much. By the estimation of some close friends, I was taking things way too slow and was missing a lot of hints and opportunities to move things forward.


Both of us live with parental units and has been a slight sticking point... with the lack of privacy and everything. So in a move that is very out of character for me, I went ahead and put a deposit down on a hotel room before going on my date tonight.


All signs were pointing towards this being a good move.


Our date was awesome. Near the end of the date, back in the car, she asked me if I wanted to go to her place... despite being hesitant in the past because her mother is wary of visitors (young boys). I countered with my hotel idea. Things went DOWNHILL from there.


On one hand, she loves seeing me, going out being somewhat intimate (kissing, touching, etc.) but she says she's not ready for a relationship. I was a bit dumbfounded.


I know she's been burned in the past with bad relationships... but I thought by now she'd have more than an inkling of my drastic difference from any exes she's had. She once said so herself.


So I am in a disgusting, sick state of confusion, humiliaton, anger and frustration.. but mostly confusion. I was ready to just write the whole thing off right then and there. She could talk all she wanted... but she coudln't claim to not know what she wants and continue seeing me and actiing like we were a steady, dating couple. She can't have it both ways.


But during our long drive back to her place, she was fighting back tears, with some success, and that just added to my confusion. Before dropping her off...I flat out said that I was too speechless to say anything else... what's done is done and I can't take my feelings or words back. She didn't have much more to say either, only that she hoped that she could see me again.


The I started my drive of shame back home... first back to the hotel to eat the cost of my room... and finally back where I am now. Anger threatens to blind my judgement. I spent 20 minutes typing out a message to her to get a few things off my chest. Nothing nasty... but just trying to put into words what I might have said back in the car. I ended it with a honest plea to her to only call me back when she knew what she wanted.


I haven't sent it yet.

I fear I am being mislead by her words alone.

But tonight both her words and actions have spoken very loudly... competing for my attention.


I don't know what wisdom I seek. I only know that there are a lot of honest, pereptive people on this forum. Maybe I just need the proverbial pat on the back.. the old "there, there.. it's not so bad".


I just don't know.

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I dunno. *pat, pat* I don't think it is so bad, putting myself in her shoes, I can come to a few conclusions, but the one in the foremost of my mind is the following:


given that she is still living with her parents, and with them being kinda strict, it goes without saying, that she would have quite high moral values. I was once invited to a hotel room by a prospective boyfriend too, and it PUT ME OFF immediately, becouse historically, that is where you take a hooker to have quick sex.


I know this was not your intention, but there's a stigma to it. I think it might have made her feel cheap.


So now you ask, how else are you supposed to get intimate? I dunno, but I think kissing and so in your car, or in a park would be ok, UNTIL SHE suggests a different alternative, or you talk about it, and both decide to get the room. Springing a surprise like that on her is a bit harsh.


Appologise, and tell her that you had no intention of hurting her feelings, you don't think she is cheap or easy, and that it was thoughtless of you not to discuss it with her before you did it. It should go a long way to fixing the problem, and then try again from there??


I hope this helps clear your mind from a girls point of view?

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I have to agree with Sonjam. The fact that you went ahead and paid for a room was a bit presumptuous and I would have been insulted and hurt too. I would also be crying on the way back to my place.


I guess you didn't think too far ahead about what she might feel.. and I understand that given the circumstances you thought you were just making it easier for the both of you.


Call her up and make sure you tell her what your intentions were... let her know you do respect her and just wanted her to feel safe with you some place that was not her house or yours.


I hope things work out.



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Do as Muneca says, call her up and tell her how you truly feel about her and that your intentions were mutual, respectfully. The "hotel room" idea just freaked her out inside. She sounds like a smart girl, she is not going to be taken advantage of and she needs to know that. Just talk to her, openly and honestly, and things will work out in the long run. Good luck to you.

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Thanks guys. I was looking for some insight and sure enough, I got it.


Sonjam, thanks for the reassuring pats.


I wrote a different email to her this morning and actually sent it this time. She was good enough to get back to me a few hours later. Things may work out, maybe not. Right now, I think we're both too hesitant to make any overly strong, definitive statements on how things will go in the near future.


I'm still not a happy camper. Before last night, things were light, easy and breezy. Now that I've pulled out the rug on everything, there's some damage control to be done.. but I can't shake the feeling that I've done irrepairable damage. Obviously, she needed to trust me a lot more to go further and I am willing to earn it. For how long, I'm not sure. That's something I can't quite determine right now.


Sonjam, whatever happened to your almost-boyfriend who suggested a hotel room to you? If he had tried to apologize, did you still reject him?


Muneca, would you give a guy a second chance after something like this.. or what it just completely blacken your perception of him?


Again, thanks.

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A second chance? Well it depends what you said in the letter. Actually when we really like a guy we will overlook some things. So I think you should just work on getting her trust back and you should be ok. Go slow from now on and don't jump the gun.

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Thanks muneca. I truly hope I can get her trust back after my blunder. I am currently waiting for a reply from her (we have to do e-mail because her phone has been disconnected for a month now - long story).


The letter I sent to her last week was really from the heart... sincere & apologetic. I wanted to make sure she knew I didn't blame her for anything and I had just gotten ahead of myself without any real regard for our situation.


Needless to say, I feel more wretched now than I ever did last week. It's going to be a while before I can forgive myself for this. stupid stupid stupid

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