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Advice Please


Phish23

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What exactly are you looking for advice about?

 

If you both "love" each other, and "want to be with each other" then there is nothing to worry about! Having a talk is good. Communication is the foundation for relationships.

 

Of course, terms such as "love" and "want" are subject to personal interpretation (which means your girlfriend my say that she "loves and wants to be with you" but still may dump you).

 

External forces are often the cause for a relationship to end, particularly when people are young and are really just getting their own lives going. It sucks, but it happens all the time.

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I posted this in the relationship thread: Relationship commitment

 

Hi ,

 

I've been dating my GF for 6 months. We met and started this relationship unexpectedly, which is always exciting when something happens you aren't expecting!

 

Everything was going great until the beginning of Sept. when she hit the breaks. She's afraid of commitment and doesn't want to lose her independence. I'm confused by all this because she tells me she trusts and loves me. We did fall in love. We can't help how we feel about each other. We both feel it's real and want to be together.

 

I just want to know when she says to be patient and that she has trouble letting people "in" what exactly do I do now. Do I continue to fall deeper in love with her while she keeps her guard up making sure nothing bad happens? This doesn't seem fair.

 

How long do I give her to realize it's ok, it's safe? And why cant she tell by my actions and who I am that I'm not taking away her independence? How do you tell someone that you love them but are afraid of commitment? I dont understand......plaease help.HOW LONG DO I WAIT?

 

Thanks

 

 

PS I have talked bluntly with her about this and she says she wants to be with me, she loves me and trusts me but I can feel the wall she has up. Why risk losing me, the person she has been waiting for all her life(her words not mine)???

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If you two really truly love eachother then you can only hope to show her that you mean well for her. While it can lead to heartbreak if you make a mistake, ask her to take a leap of faith with you, if she really trusts you and you are devoted to being with her and giving her a reason to be happy then you wont have anything to be stressed for scared of.

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That does make sense. She gets distant and it leads me to over think everything. I've told her I'm pretty easy to please, I just want to hear you're thinking about me or you miss me.

 

I'm nervous about tomorrow because we're just not on the same page despite having these strong feelings. It's just heartbreaking because everything was going so well and the breaks were hit. I wasn't insecure about anything until she put the wall up. Its like a traffic accident happened.

 

I just want the girl back from MAY-through AUG., the girl I fell in love with, she was vulnerable, walls down, guard down, eyes wide open, sweet innocent look she gave me....heartbreaking. Eye contact left us forgetting to breathe sometimes. I dont wanna lose that...

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What did she say...?

 

 

Apparently she had enough time for me May through the end of Aug. and now she just can't. She's a commitment phobe and despite me being someone she is so in love with she just cant do it. I feel so stupid for allowing myself to get hurt like this. I'm just a mess right now.

 

My friend described her being a commitment phobe like this and I also asked her if she thought she was hurt too:

 

"They still hurt. A lot. Maybe more so. ....it's A struggle they don't know how to overcome in a way. Just like u struggle w feeling happy and positive .... They want to have a relationship just like we all do. They just don't know how ....it's like standing behind glass and seeing this awesome scenario in the next room...and you can't break through."

 

 

It doesn't make it any easier......it hurts, badly.

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If it makes you feel better to call her a commitment phobe, then go for it. But if you want to accept that you just weren't the man for her, you might be more able to let go of the fantasy of changing her.

 

 

I don't want to change her. You cant change anyone. I just want the girl I fell in love with.

 

You may be right I wasn't the man for her but that's not what she said. Its so hard to have an amazing connection with someone and then they're just gone. It hurts.

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Phish i get were your coming from, but its best that you be proud that you were that guy for her for a while. But you have to realize that a relationship goes two ways. You need to find a girl that loves you and wants to stay with you as much as you love her. When you find the right gurl there wont be any question that its the last gurl youll be with. But were here for you bro, keep posting and maybe we can help eachother through our break ups.

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I don't want to change her. You cant change anyone. I just want the girl I fell in love with.

 

You may be right I wasn't the man for her but that's not what she said. Its so hard to have an amazing connection with someone and then they're just gone. It hurts.

 

Who you see in the beginning is not always who they are long-term.

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Who you see in the beginning is not always who they are long-term.

 

 

She's 37 and I'm 40.Why play games at this age. We both shared with each other bluntly what we were looking. Fell in love. She got scared and resorted back to her comfort zone, burying herself at home , kids and work. Why sacrifice everything that you shared with me about how , "i been waiting for you all my life". It's unreal to me that someone can change so quickly. I was a fool.

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In my mind there are one of two things going on. Either she met someone else and wanted to keep you on the back burner while she explored that or there was something you did that made her pull back. For example, coming on too strong. Now "too strong" is a bit unfair ... but for someone questioning their interest in you it might be.

 

It sounds like you got into a push pull dynamic where you chased and she ran. In those cases, she seems to have lost interest in the guy and he couldn't accept that.

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Dude, at 40 you should be aware by now that most of the reasons people give for breaking up are just things said to spare your feelings.

 

By saying she can't handle commitment, she's trying to soften the blow and make it less of a personal rejection of you.

 

You should also be aware that people say all kinds of things during the infatuation stage of a relationship.... "you're the person I've waited for my whole life" is common as is talking about marriage and children, planning a future together, etc.... it's just what people do when they're falling in love.

 

Things like this are EASY to say when you're caught up in the rush and fantasy stage of a new love.... it didn't cost her anything and it felt GOOD to say them -- and she probably believed those things at the moment she was saying them.

 

I agree it's more likely she either met someone else or something happened that changed her feelings than that she's just a "commitmentphobe"..... some people have a very easy time jumping from relationship to relationship once those honeymoon-type feelings start to wane.

 

This might help you: link removed

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Its not another guy. I know that.

 

We were both hit with a tremendous amount of stress at the beginning of Sept. that brought us from fantasy land to the harsh life of reality. It knocked us off track. Through a mutual friend, i know shes hurting too and really is baffled why we are at this point.

 

The question I have to ask myself is...with her being single for 8 years(divorced), going on very little dates by choice, me being the first guy she has allowed to stay in her home, be introduced as "BF" to her kids.....can she let go slightly of her independence she has worked so hard for to include me into her life. Up till sept everything was very smooth.

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Just because you're the first guy she's been serious about since her divorce, unfortunately doesn't make you the last.

 

You're trying to UNDERSTAND and make sense based on what she's told you.... which isn't necessarily the whole truth, in fact most likely it's not.

 

Instead of trying to figure out why this happened, it's best to focus on YOU for now. Stop trying to get inside HER head and get yourself back on track in YOUR life right now. No one here can predict the future or tell you if she can give up her independence, but usually in relationships if someone WANTS to be with you, they don't see it as a sacrifice to let you into their life.

 

Remember that while things might have appeared smooth to you until September, things were most likely very different to her. People usually start to secretly detach emotionally from a relationship before ending things.

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