It's my turn ~7months post BU

[elsenyor]

So it has been approximately 7 months post break up now, so I thought I'd share a little.

 

I'd never thought I'd be this far along in the healing process, it feels great but I'm still not there, here are my struggles:

 

- I'm having trouble with the last 10% - 20% and I'm not making any progress. There's the thought and inner battle always going on of "should I contact her?" "no I shouldn't because she hasn't reached out it means she's over me" "ok I'll contact her but after I accomplish X, Y, Z, I don't want to fall back emotionally and not be able to complete those things / drag it out for another X months", then the time comes around and I re rationalize not contacting. Other times it's just a "meh who cares, let a sleeping dog lie" and continue on with my life.

 

- Then there's also the fact that I feel ready to date and like I COULD be in a relationship with another wonderful woman (no one in sight yet), but the thought of my ex is always looming in the back of my head, it's very rare for her not to be still in my head. The only times I have a clear and free spirit is when I'm doing something that absorbs ALL my attention, working, gaming, watching a movie. Sometimes even when I'm with friends or another girl she's still there present in my thoughts. So even though I FEEL like I could I'm probably still not ready.

 

- I'm trying to wean off my anti-depressants (serotonin pills), they have helped me a great deal but I do not want to be dependent on them. I have been taking them for 2 months they've done me a great deal of good but I usually take them every day of the week (as prescribed) but now I'm trying to go down, I'm currently at 5 days a week and that 2nd day straight of not taking it, you sure notice it (today is one of those days).

 

These are currently the things I want to fix most, the inner battles, the looming thoughts, and to cease taking anti-depressants. Any advice is appreciated, and thanks for everyone thus far for helping me out

[snappy5]

Speaking from educational material and personal experiences from friends you should wane yourself off with the help of your doctor. Discontinuing psychiatric medication abruptly can lead to a lot of unforeseen consequences, especially since they affect your behavior, thoughts, and moods.

 

One of my students felt good enough to stop taking her bi-polar medication after the first month of summer school. The next month she was crying, doing bad in her courses, and taking the breakup of her relationship. She went back on medication but it will be awhile before she regains her footing.

 

You didn't start out with the full dose the first day I'll assume. You worked up towards it. The same can be said coming down.

[sharky988]

Yeah agreed, talk to your doc about how to wean yourself off.

 

It's not unusual to just use the anti-depressants for just a few months for situational depression -- it's not like bi-polar meds. But talk to your doc on the way to do it.

 

As dating.... what's the rush? You'll know when you're REALLY over your ex and ready to start seeing other people. 7 months isn't that long to expect yourself to be over someone!

[elsenyor]

Speaking from educational material and personal experiences from friends you should wane yourself off with the help of your doctor. Discontinuing psychiatric medication abruptly can lead to a lot of unforeseen consequences, especially since they affect your behavior, thoughts, and moods.

 

One of my students felt good enough to stop taking her bi-polar medication after the first month of summer school. The next month she was crying, doing bad in her courses, and taking the breakup of her relationship. She went back on medication but it will be awhile before she regains her footing.

 

You didn't start out with the full dose the first day I'll assume. You worked up towards it. The same can be said coming down.

 

 

It's for situational depression like sharky said, the doctor did tell me to try going 1 day without seeing how i felt, and doing it like that. just feels like sometimes on the days i don't take it, the thoughts are more intense and that i'm not as "happy" but that one I guess is a given.

 

Yeah agreed, talk to your doc about how to wean yourself off.

 

It's not unusual to just use the anti-depressants for just a few months for situational depression -- it's not like bi-polar meds. But talk to your doc on the way to do it.

 

As dating.... what's the rush? You'll know when you're REALLY over your ex and ready to start seeing other people. 7 months isn't that long to expect yourself to be over someone!

 

there is no rush, but I do have a question, when is the point of "you should be over her by now" vs "it's not a long time to be over someone", I see people saying 6 - 12 months is when you really start feeling better (which is definitely true), but then you see others with 15 months still relapsing.

[t1lersm0m1]

There is no time limit. It varies from person to person. I think it has to do with the person, and also the length of the relationship.

 

Last year, I was emotionally BROKEN. I hit my rock bottom. It took me six months to get over a TWO month relationship. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that, and would probably never admit it to friends.

 

This year, I'm almost two months out of a six month relationship, and right now as I'm typing this I feel great.

 

My relationship with my ex husband was 1995-2009, but I was emotionally checked out of the relationship by the time he asked for a divorce, so I mourned the loss of our family (we have a son), but not the loss of the love that had been non-existent for years.

 

Don't compare yourself to others, or tell yourself you should be healed by now.

[elsenyor]

There is no time limit. It varies from person to person. I think it has to do with the person, and also the length of the relationship.

 

Last year, I was emotionally BROKEN. I hit my rock bottom. It took me six months to get over a TWO month relationship. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that, and would probably never admit it to friends.

 

This year, I'm almost two months out of a six month relationship, and right now as I'm typing this I feel great.

 

My relationship with my ex husband was 1995-2009, but I was emotionally checked out of the relationship by the time he asked for a divorce, so I mourned the loss of our family (we have a son), but not the loss of the love that had been non-existent for years.

 

Don't compare yourself to others, or tell yourself you should be healed by now.

 

I guess lots of this sensation and feeling still has to do with the inner conflict I have that just doesn't seem to disappear.... the whole:

 

- I'm having trouble with the last 10% - 20% and I'm not making any progress. There's the thought and inner battle always going on of "should I contact her?" "no I shouldn't because she hasn't reached out it means she's over me" "ok I'll contact her but after I accomplish X, Y, Z, I don't want to fall back emotionally and not be able to complete those things / drag it out for another X months", then the time comes around and I re rationalize not contacting. Other times it's just a "meh who cares, let a sleeping dog lie" and continue on with my life.

 

not sure how to get over this

[sharky988]

Dude, I'm confused! You're saying you're not seeing anyone now? Cause it sounds from your other threads like you are....

 

Also -- you've been broken up 7 months, but how long have you been NC?

 

I'm not really clear what your question is. Are you confused because you still want to make contact with your ex? Or are you confused about whether or not to start dating.... which you're already doing, so why are you asking about it?

[elsenyor]

Dude, I'm confused! You're saying you're not seeing anyone now? Cause it sounds from your other threads like you are....

 

Also -- you've been broken up 7 months, but how long have you been NC?

 

I'm not really clear what your question is. Are you confused because you still want to make contact with your ex? Or are you confused about whether or not to start dating.... which you're already doing, so why are you asking about it?

 

hahahaha, i can see where the confusion lies.

 

To clarify:

- I've been NC 5 months, broken up 7.

 

- I'm not seeing anyone romantically so not dating (I do have a friends with benefits situation though)

 

- I'm confused because I still have that inner battle of wanting to contact versus not contacting. I always stick with not contacting and I always rerationalize everything so as to not reach out, but it's like no matter what I do I can't seem to get past the fact that I want to reach out, even though I know it won't bring any good in 99% of the cases. I don't know where the sticking point is or how to overcome it.

[sharky988]

Well, as I'm sure you've already been told about a zillion times already (by me, anyway)..... you haven't been broken up very long, and at only 5 months NC you're not going to be "over it" by any means -- or even be that comfortable with the idea of being NC.

 

You still have HOPE.... you still want your ex back.... why on earth would you expect yourself to be happily adjusted to the idea of not reaching out or trying to change her mind in some way?

 

One thing to keep in mind: the fact that you STILL miss your ex.... and STILL want to reach out.... means nothing. It doesn't mean you're *meant to be*. It doesn't mean you *should* reach out to her. All it means is that you still miss her and still want to get back together.... nothing more.

 

You just need to give it more time, that's all.

 

As for your FWB, make sure it stays on that level and that she understands you're STILL IN LOVE with your ex, don't give her any watered-down b.s. like "I'm just not ready for anything serious right now". Be direct and let her know she's just a FWB and nothing more. Lots of young women get pulled into that situation hoping for more, you know...

[t1lersm0m1]

The only time you can contact an ex is when you no longer care what the outcome is. Otherwise, if you contact now and get rejected, you will take several steps back in the healing process. Sometimes there is NEVER a good time to contact an ex.

 

We tell ourselves if we don't contact soon then they will forget us. No one will forget you, especially not in a meaningful relationship. I still "remember" some jerks I dated. I don't think of them fondly, but I still remember them. If I still remember jerks, there's no way I'm going to forget someone who truly meant something to me. There's guys I had one or two dates with that I pretty much forget, but then something will jar my memory, like "Oh yea, I once had a date with an Austin" if I hear the name Austin somewhere. So yeah, I forget those people.

 

Stop trying to rush your healing. You are going to feel things and you have no control over it. Just heal, and feel the feelings. When you're healed, you will know.

[elsenyor]

Yep that's exactly it, I still want her back and I'm definitely not adjusting to the idea of not reaching out, yet I know I have to adjust to this and I really do want to, but there's an inner force that's making it hard (I'm not crying or anything over her, or pinning over her, I do try to live my life and I really do, but it doesn't stop the missing or the thinking, last night I finally had another dream and I hadn't had one for quite some time).

 

As for the FWB we're pretty clear on the subject, I've brought the subject up about getting back with an ex and that I would do it given the chance. We're opposites when it comes to personalities, we don't really click, completely different tastes in things. We only meet up once a week, have a fun time then go back to her place to get the deed done. Other than that we have little to no contact.

 

 

 

The Sometimes there is NEVER a good time to contact an ex. is a tough pill to swallow, though I can see that. This is still my first breakup ever and so I have no life lessons to teach me this, I'm trying to learn from the advice given here. I am very stubborn though ... and I want to reach that point of indifference so I could give it a another try.

 

I'm pretty sure she won't forget me, no one ever does, I change people on very deep levels (though this forum isn't the best place to show it lol, all my "negativity" is let out on ENA), so that's not the mental gymnastics I deal with. It's the "she will stop loving me" just as I will with her in due time, she will with me if she hasn't already stopped.

 

In reality what describes my situation best I believe is:

 

 

 

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[t1lersm0m1]

You WILL reach the point of indifference. I know it seems like you won't, but you will. A lot of people here giving you advice have been through several break ups, and we are all still alive, and MUCH wiser! I learn something from every relationship I go through. And it makes me a better person for the next relationship. You just have to keep learning.

 

I'm 37 and STILL learning about myself! I thought I knew a lot in my 20's! I knew NOTHING. I'd only rewind time if I could keep the knowledge I've gained.

 

You will heal. You can't force it. Only time will help. Time and a positive attitude. You will get over this girl, and meet another girl. And probably the next girl will have you asking what you ever saw in the first one. I know that sounds impossible, but it's happened to me!