Relapse after 18 months

[jaded123]

We broke up about 18 months ago (Jan 2012), after some unpleasantness for which I was to blame (I got insecure and overreacted about her dedication to a new age meditation/cult like thing she is part of). She saw someone else right after the breakup (someone she knew from when she was young), got engaged in three months and married last sept. I tried so much to win her back but she was too hurt and had moved on. The advise of people here was that there is a natural window to things and that window had permanently closed after she gotten married.

 

I stopped emailing her after that (except once when I was very weak and saw her wedding pics online) and there has been no contact of any kind since nov 2012. I've had many periods of regret, sadness and being completely broken up, and I've posted here during some of those times. But i've never contacted her which is just basic moral/etiquette, she made a choice to be with someone else, she is married now and that's about it. That window is closed.

 

However, about 3 weeks ago, she texted me a happy birthday on my birthday. She remembered and this brought back memories of all the nice things she did for me, the meal she made for me on my birthday, all the other happy memories. I emailed her some remembrances of all our times together and apologized again for all the things i said/did that hurt her so deeply.

 

She texted me a thanks for those and hoped I met someone wonderful to share my life with. After that, we are back to no contact again. But I am now an emotional wreck and all the healing I had over 18 months seems to have gone away. I don't know what to do, I have vivid dreams of her coming back to me, and am in tears when going to sleep, when waking up and at random parts of the day at work (this I manage to hide thankfully). She really was the one for me. I didn't realize it completely then but I realize it now.

[mbee]

Perhaps you really do need to work on meeting other people. Honestly, it sounds like you are more lonely for a relationship and the bond that comes with sharing love with someone than your ex. She has moved on and that door is closed. You've went NC and it looks like you both are okay now. I really think your emotions are speaking here moreso than logic. Have you tried dating again and giving other girls a chance at your heart? It's been long enough where dating may get you over this hurdle.

[jaded123]

Have you tried dating again and giving other girls a chance at your heart? It's been long enough where dating may get you over this hurdle.

 

I have tried dating very hard, must have contacted many people on online sites like match and okcupid and have been out with 15-20 people in the past year or so. Online dating is very hard (for various reasons) and I never recieved (any) kind of attraction from most of the ones who did go out with me.

 

I sometimes think I'm being punished for some past sins in a past life.

 

I know I'm grasping at straws, but the ex is definitely gone forever..right ? No chance she comes back ? Why would she text me a happy birthday after a year ?

[mbee]

She's married, it's over. No chance. She texted you after a year because she THOUGHT you would be over it. I've contacted exes who I had 0 interest in because it had been a year+ and I figured they were over it. 15-20 dates over a year with online dating is really not all that much. Keep trying to date. Finding the right match takes time. I know before I met my ex-boyfriend, I had been dating for a year and a half! There were guys where there was chemistry but ultimately nobody relationship compatible. You just need to keep dating. Also work on your self-esteem, appearance and other aspects in your life. It's possible you are giving off negative vibes when you go on dates. It's not easy to give off positive vibes if you believe some of these statements in your post and believe your ex is the one.

 

That's not an attractive vibe to give off. Maybe take some time to assess how you come off in dates and if you are being open to women. How do you respond pre-post and during the date? All things to think about.

[sharky988]

Dude, you're a single 40 year-old heterosexual guy in New York City -- and you're having a hard time finding a woman to go out with you??? I'm having a hard time understanding this.... what are you doing wrong? Are you looking for women who are too young for you or out of your league somehow? I'm confused...

 

As for your ex: yeah, marrying someone else is pretty much as strong an indicator as there is that she's not interested in getting back together with you! Let it go now. And listen to what mbee is telling you: I'm guessing 80% of the things you miss about your ex are just generic relationship things that you WILL have again with your very next serious relationship!

 

Make a list of the things you miss..... I'm willing to bet very few of those things are related to qualities that are unique in your ex. Most of what we miss -- the snuggling up and watching DVDS on the couch, the seeing movies and going out to eat, the good morning and good night texts, the pet names and in-jokes, the taking long walks together, the weekends in bed, etc etc etc -- you'll have ALL THAT AND MORE with your next serious girlfriend.

 

As to this ex, I strongly recommend you change your cell number so she can't send you any "merry Christmas" texts or "thinking of you" on Thanksgiving or "happy new year", junk like that. Of course she's a newlywed, but deep down she still might enjoy the ego rush of knowing she's still got an ex-boyfriend out there pining after her..... block her or change your number. Don't leave that door open, it's not appropriate. She should be BLOCKED on Facebook and all other social media sites, not just unfriended and deleted -- but BLOCKED, her and all mutual friends.

 

And no, your ex ISN'T the one. You can know this because she chose to marry someone else.... and the girl who's The One for you will choose to be with YOU!

[SooSad33]

We understand Jaded....

Sounds like all those memories have come flooding back. It is NOT easy, I agree.

Could be anxiety brought on. If it gets too unbearable, look at seeing your doctor.. to get help with that.

Also, maybe some counselling with the pains you're suffering with, once again?

 

I am 5 mos in.. and every day I am still having those memories.. missing him... etc. It does suck!

Deep breathes.. try to rest and eat well as you try to regain yourself once more ok..

stick with us, you're not alone.

[jaded123]

Dude, you're a single 40 year-old heterosexual guy in New York City -- and you're having a hard time finding a woman to go out with you??? I'm having a hard time understanding this.... what are you doing wrong? Are you looking for women who are too young for you or out of your league somehow?

 

I don't know. It's not that easy...people are all just too stressed out and paradoxically more lonely in a larger city.

 

As for your ex: yeah, marrying someone else is pretty much as strong an indicator as there is that she's not interested in getting back together with you! Let it go now. And listen to what mbee is telling you: I'm guessing 80% of the things you miss about your ex are just generic relationship things that you WILL have again with your very next serious relationship!

 

Make a list of the things you miss..... I'm willing to bet very few of those things are related to qualities that are unique in your ex. Most of what we miss -- the snuggling up and watching DVDS on the couch, the seeing movies and going out to eat, the good morning and good night texts, the pet names and in-jokes, the taking long walks together, the weekends in bed, etc etc etc -- you'll have ALL THAT AND MORE with your next serious girlfriend.

 

Thanks for saying that

 

and no, your ex ISN'T the one. You can know this because she chose to marry someone else.... and the girl who's The One for you will choose to be with YOU!

 

I don't know. That's both a good and bad state of affairs, isn't it ? Because it implies there are other people out there but then that reduces the special nature of the people who meant so much to you already.

[nbr]

I only contacted my last ex (from before my wife) after 20+ years.

 

FWIW, you haven't relapsed the whole 18 months, though it may feel like it. You will get over it faster this time, and faster yet the next.

-nbr

[Lovaholic]

I truly believe that when they can freely contact it is because THEY have moved on and they are not at all worried about your reaction or lack there of. I'm going through a very difficult break up as well and I truly feel for you....keep dating!

[jaded123]

I truly believe that when they can freely contact it is because THEY have moved on and they are not at all worried about your reaction or lack there of. I'm going through a very difficult break up as well and I truly feel for you....keep dating!

 

To be honest, in the past, there have been several times where I have genuinely felt that it was better to not exist rather than live with this much regret and misery. I do feel like that again now and I just want to forget all the good and irreplaceable memories I had with her. She was a ballerina and her grace, insecurities and at the same time confidence, coupled with her childlike nature is simply irreplaceable. I miss her very very much.

 

I am sorry I hurt you and let you go, A. It's the worst feeling in the world. I promised I would pull out your chair for you for as long as my arms could move A. Now I have nothing and no one to do that for anymore.