Where do I even begin!

[Anon24]

Firstly I want to appologise if this is in the wrong thread which it most probably is but theres so much to my problem I just didnt know where to put it.

 

Ok so the story begins that when I was a teenager I got raped by a so called friend. The purpose of this information is not for sympathy, But rather that I feel it may help aid a conclusion.

 

Anyway a year or two on I got with my boyfriend whom I was with on/off for over 4 years. I loved him but barely ever wanted to hae sex with him. I did anyway as I wanted to keep him happy. He used to verbally abuse me, calling me fat when im of average build and telling me I would never get someone as good as him again. Due to lack of sex (and the fact he was a ****) he cheated on me quite a few times including sleeping with my best friend when I was asleep on the sofa next to him. On another occasion he had sex with another of my so called friends when I was asleep in the same room (i found this all out at once) when we broke up he moved on and had kids with his cousin by marriage (good for him) and other than the odd nightmare that I am back with him I barely think of him and couldnt think of anything worse than having him back in my life.

 

I got a new boyfriend 6 months later but any slight attraction I felt for him disappeared in days. I think I was only with him for the sake of getting back on the horse as they say...

 

I discovered he was lying to me about plans he'd made and he was actually planning to meet up with his ex so I broke it off in a shot and felt no sadness (only together 2-3 months) its now been 2 years, I am still single and would love to find someone to love and settle down with. I houseshare with a close boy mate and most of my friends are male. I get a fair bit of male attention but never feel the attraction back. Im a very independent person but sometimes your own company just isnt enough. I'm 100% im not a lesbian but have only found 1 or 2 blokes attractive in 2 years and they turned out to just want sex.

 

Why am I not easily attracted to men anymore? Its easy to say one of my colourful past chapters could have something to do with it but im not sure. How do I become attracted to men again!? I just want to be loved

[shellyf62]

I am so sorry you have been through such awful things in your life.

 

I think the reason you aren't attracted to men is because you have trust issues with them. All they have done is hurt you, and you are scared. This is totally understandable. But you also have to know that not all men are like this. There are some really nice ones out there that would never do anything to hurt you, you just need to find them.

 

Have you had counselling for the rape? It would be a really good idea to find someone to talk to about it. Was the guy charged? If not, why not?

[LetsNotBeHere]

Trauma is a tricky thing to advise upon; due to how many factors it can influence.

 

However, the core issue you have is that you are not easily attracted to men anymore. You ruled out homosexuality, so you most likely sub-consciously attribute negative traits upon every single male because of the trauma you have experienced in the past. The part of the brain that is responsible for survival does this with good intentions, but if your thinking part of your brain does not keep check what actually is dangerous and what isn't, you'll experience things that you are feeling now. Something about males triggers your survival instinct.

 

You should start with how you view men and what about males that you find unattractive? It's not their physical appearance, but their personality and demeanor. What exactly is unattractive?