Help with my sexual relationship problem?

[Merebear]

(Sorry about all the bad grammar! I typed this fast)

 

Hello, I am becoming confused in my sexual relationship.

 

I have had a sexual relationship with a man much older than me for almost three years now. I fell in love with him after a few months, but he always told me how he just really liked me,he was always honest and never lied just to keep me around. He was the first man I kissed, and lost my virginity to. He had a sort of girlfriend when we started who was okay with us having sex but later on told him to end it with me. He let me know and just said that we had to be more careful, I never liked his girlfriend because I was just jealous, not of her looks or anything like that but just because she had him, lived with him and could go out with him whenever.

 

One day he freaked out and told me to get out of his car immediately, after a few minutes he called me and apologized because he said his brother or family were meeting him. Obviously I became horribly angry and sent his gf a Facebook message about how he was a liar, and we were still seeing each thee behind her back and how she was a fool for believing him. I didn't care if he ever talked to me again, the next weekend he called me and said he wanted to see me and just told me what I did was very bad and him and his girlfriend broke up. And then we just continued having sex, I thought things would work out and we would be together but a few months later I saw a photo of him and his ex together on Facebook and got angry again. I told him what he wanted, and he just explained to me how they were together and me and him would never be anything more than sex.

 

So, I accepted it and swallowed my hurt.

 

A few days later we went to his apartment, had sex, then he had to shower, so I went to his living room to wait, which was full of his gf belongings, so I started just ripping her shoes,breaking CDs, then poured some laundry soap into her school bag and all over her college library books. He didn't notice until later in the evening when he texted me about what I did was really mean,and how we needed a break, which was because he was going to New York with his family. When he came back, he just explained how I couldn't be doing those sort of things, and if I did it again he would stop seeing me.

 

Then we had sex,and have just been continuing on from there,he is still with his same girlfriend. It's been almost a year since that incident and he has become very odd. He text me a lot more to the point were I am annoyed by it, he always wants to see me to have sex. He is always complimenting me, saying that he loves my face and hair and dresses, blah blah blah. He has told me about two times that he loves me,but I am not a gullible person,so I asked him why he said it and he told me he meant it in a friendly way.

 

A few weeks ago I was at my college,which is about half an hour away from where he lives. He kept texting me the entire day to come over, I got really frustrated with him because I wasn't in the mood that I texted him to "go somebody else", and he automatically said "Wow, that was really mean.", I told him I didn't mean for it to sound mean that it was just a suggestion, and he said "I don't do it! You are the only person I am having sex with!" At first I thought, is he confusing me for his girlfriend? I'm not an idiot, and he doesn't have to say those types of lies to keep me around, I know he likes to sleep around.

 

I later asked him why he said that, and he said "it's the truth I haven't had sex with anyone else for six months, because of time and desire, and I really just enjoy it with you."; I really do not believe him, I just agree with him, I haven't asked about him and his girlfriend since the incident. I don't care to know because I just feel hurt.

 

I still love him, he is the only man I've ever been with, but I always like to day dream about the man who will really love me, who will be better than him in so many ways. He has never bought me anything, the only reason he knows my birthday is if I remind him a day before, he has never taken me to dinner or anything nice. The most he ever bought me was a coffee at Starbucks.

 

So, in case you wanna know here are the reason I really care about him and think he is great, he is very intelligent, he works very hard all the time, he is a professional well respected musician, he has his master degree, he is okay looking not tall and handsome, average but we'll dressed. He is mostly honest, and likes to tell dumb jokes that only he laughs at.

 

I want to ask him if we are ever going to be anything, because I am just simply getting tired of just being a sex object to him. But I'm afraid, I've asked the question before and his answer was " I don't know,you never know." Or "if I had met you first, maybe we could have been something"

 

I am 20, in college. He is a 40 year old orchestra conductor.

I know I have my entire life ahead of me, and I shouldn't think about love but, i know i should leave this guy, but I really can't help it.

[Edmund Exley]

Why are you so willing to hang on to someone who from the beginning treated you as if you were only meant for his sexual needs, and who has made you the 3rd wheel of a bad relationship?

[subterfuge]

...i know i should leave this guy, but I really can't help it.

 

I think this rather insightful sentence says it all. Many of us who suffer bouts of low self-esteem, start looking for validation outside of ourselves. Validation that we're lovable, validation that other people like us, validation that other people want to sleep with us, etc. While you may really care for him, I'm afraid that he is simply using (preying on?) what he knows to be true for you. I'm afraid that no matter what you do with this particular relationship, it will only ever end in heartache one way or another.

 

So the advice I would offer to you is start to do things that help boost yourself. Whether it's exercising, hanging out with nourishing friends, whatever it is that boosts your confidence and self-esteem, but only AFTER ending things with this person. What you're in with him, isn't a relationship, it's a validation mechanism...