What's the best chance to get the ex back?

[whattheheck]

I was just wondering. Putting my feelings aside, and not worrying about my healing process, which option will provide me with the best chance on getting the ex back in the long run. It's been 4 months, but I just wish she would call or something. I think she still has her new bf, but....

 

Which option has the best chance in getting her back someday -

 

Option 1 - Strictly No Contact? (Which I have been doing)

 

Option 2 - A casual email every month or so just to say hi, etc..

 

Option 3 - An email every month or so telling her I still love her, miss her, etc...

 

 

Or - any other ideas?

 

Thanks.

[ticklebug]

option 4 - get on with your life like she has...

[Tinkerbell]

Whatever you do, do not go with the last option. You'll just come accross as pathetic and needy and it's not very likely that she'll be longing to have you back. As for no contact, I'd always found it a bit silly to cease contact altogether, but there are cases when I think it's necessary or for the best. However, you haven't given me enough details to decide if this is the case for you, so I would suggest you continue with no contact for now, and in the future (when you feel ready), you can begin casual contact by emailing her or phoning her every few weeks or so.

[Lily04]

I agree with Option 4 - get on with your life. As someone who just asked my ex for no contact, I think this is the best way to go. I know my ex wants to get back with me & is trying option #2 right now, but it is somewhat uncomfortable because I don't have the same feelings for him anymore & I know he has ulterior motives (even though he states he just wants to 'be friends'.) You're probably in a different situation than me & my ex though..I realized he was lying to me about a lot of things and just didn't feel the same attraction to him anymore in the long run for a lot of reasons. I didn't let him know that I found out he was lying, because he's actually lying to himself and wouldn't understand anyways, so I let him think it's just beacuse of the long-distance..but because of that he thinks that as soon as he moves back he can haev me again. It's putting me in a very awkward position.

 

For now, perhaps just respect your previous girlfriend's wish, especially as she's already in another relationship. Later on, if you guys are still on OK terms I don't see anything wrong with e-mail, but see how she responds..I told my ex directly that I don't appreciate e-mails (he asked..sorta), I just don't think we could. But I do know couples that still stay in touch & are good friends, perhaps might even get back together in the future so it's possible. But I'm just saying that if she doesn't feel comfortable now, you shouldn't put any pressure on her..

 

Hope that helped..

 

Lily04

[DBL]

I go with option 4 also. She already got a new man, if she wanted you she would be with you. Scrape up whatever pride and diginity, which by the options you give..you don't have much left, you have left and move on.

 

DBL

[fantasia2004]

By leaving them alone. Best strategy

[skynet74]

I was just wondering. Putting my feelings aside, and not worrying about my healing process, which option will provide me with the best chance on getting the ex back in the long run.

 

------------------

 

Everyone else in the world dies and you are the only two people left on the planet. Then your chances increase significantly. ;-)

 

Seriously though... that is sometimes how it feels for me. It's as if my Ex would go out with ANY OTHER guy out there ...... as long as it's not me. Competition is the biggest threat to a relationship. Did you ever notice that most of the time relationships seem fine until somebody else comes along to ruin it?

 

Best advice I have to offer is this. When you fall in Love....... Move away to a distant location together where there is hardly anyone else around. It sounds strange... but sometimes I wish I had done that with my Ex. Then maybe we still would have been together.

 

 

 

John

[DBL]

Why would you want to get back with somebody that doesn't want you? What makes you all think you still have a chance to get back with them?

 

I going through the divorce process myself after a @ 5 year relationship, my wife left me. Although I can get back with her tomorrow if I wanted to providing I move to where she lives now and let her walk all over me. Instead I figure if she wanted to be with me, she would not have left in the first place, she would be here with me now.

 

You guys need to move on. There are no options to choose from if your x does not want you. I don't know how else to get it through to you guys.

 

I can give a personal example. I dated this girl for a while, but after a while I just didn't feel the same about her like I used to. So I dump her. It didn't matter what she did, what she said, what she would do for or to me...point was I didn't feel the same way for her no matter what.

 

Think of it as a job. You get fired from your job, you aren't going to keep sending emails to your job in hopes that they one day say "hey, this guy keeps sending up emails...maybe we should hire him back since he is so obsessive". Most likely they would think you have some issues and would not want you around them.

 

Have some pride, move on, your x girlfriends don't want you no more so leave them alone.

 

DBL

[ebola316]

interesting ideas, but people actually have feelings. In a way I envy you, being able to nonchalantly walk away from relationships with people that care about you so easily. You remind me of my ex-boyfriend. I'll tell you the same thing I told him- If you can live without emotions, if you have never learned to love, or for that matter,to hate. then you really never learned how to live.

[skynet74]

People change. Someone doesn't want you now. However it DOES NOT mean they won't want you in the future. People change their minds every single day. Perfect example....... At one time you wanted a girl. Then you decided you didn't. You changed your mind. It can happen the other way around also. Your Ex doesn't want you today. But tomnorrow they might. Sometimes people don't realize what they've got till it's gone. I was thinking about breaking up with my Ex for a while. But then she did it for me. It wasn't until after she was gone that I realized how much she truly meant to me. There is no exact science in relationships. There is a lot of trial and error. But I would never say that just because a couple breaks up they should never be toether again. It just means that perhaps there were problems that wern't handled the right way. People learn and grow. Sometimes spending time apart is all it takes to make for a better relationship somewhere down the line.

 

However by all means go out and Date while you are apart. The possibility of getting back together NEVER should cause you to just sit home staring at the wall until you can't cry any more tears. Go Out and Tear up the town like your Ex no longer exist. Then if she ever wants to come back... look at it as a Bonus. You'll be the one holding all the cards and the choice will be yours. That's a nice feeling. But please for the Love of GOD don't wait around as if her coming back is a definite. I've seen to many people Pine away for years with the hopes an Ex will return. Unfortunately it doesn't always happen. This is why you should just act like it won't. Don't waste valuable time on a Wish. If in 5 years the Ex doesn't return... the only thing you'll be wishing... Is that you would have went out and met someone else 5 years AGO! Get my drift?

 

 

 

John

[DBL]

Well I didn't walk away from nothing, she walked away. I have to look at it if she really cared, then she would of not left...especially in the situation we were in.

 

However i'm a realist, I don't need nobody to paint any pictures for me, and I don't put much value in people in general. That doesn't say I don't live without emotions or whether I have loved. Point is...if they leave, let them go. I would say none of us know how to live, but chasing someone that doesn't want you is not learning how to live. Moving on and getting past it is learning how to live.

 

DBL

[ebola316]

Good advice John. But you know how hard it can be in the beginning. When it first happens to you, you can't sleep, eat, clean, work- or anything else normal people do. You spend your time either staring at the caller id, sitting and thinking up deceptive little ways to get the person back. I was even considering not taking my asthma medicine, so when he comes to pick up the rest of his stuff tomorrow, I'll have to go to ER and he will stay. This is like being in a state of pychosis. Hopefully not long-term.

[ebola316]

very true DBL-there's no sense in chasing someone that doesn't want you.

It's very degrading and it does nothing for your self-esteem. But look at my position. I moved here to please him. On top of a mountain in the middle of nowwhere. I don't know anyone here I have no relatives within 200 miles, and I'm a city person. I don't know how to chop wood and I can't afford a handyman. I moved here to please him, then he dumps me and leaves me here. Now, my choices are either to tell him to get lost-which he deserves- or grovel and beg him to come back at least until spring-thaw. I can't move- I bought the darn place. So it's not so much chasing because I want him back so much, though I do admit I miss him and am lonely. It's more like I don't want to sit here alone and watch the wallpaper peel until spring. Thus are my reasons for groveling.

[DBL]

I understand...when my wife left me, I thought of a lot of crazy stuff. I barely left my room for 2 weeks. At this time we just moved to NC. So I didn't know anybody. I did have my now x best friend there, but he proved to not be a friend...so I just sat around for 5 months by myself. I been living in Florida now for almost 6 months. I have no friends here...although I have family here, they aren't worth much anyway.

 

Anyway...I know lonliness, and in the beginning of my seperation there were times I would do almost anything not to be alone. However I was never all that nice of a person so I understand and accept that I deserve what I go through now. I guess you will learn how to chop wood. Woman used to do that stuff in the old days. This is just something you have to go through.

 

Where did you move to anyway?

DBL

[ebola316]

Thanks for the advise DBL. We used to live in Kissimmee, FL, until he convinced me to move up north. Conveniently, near his family. I'm now sitting in the middle of a Catskill Mountain in upsate NY. If it wasn't so sad, it would be laughable. I'm freezing my butt off and theres noone around for miles. I have family in Florida too, they're not worth very much either, but I guess they're better than nothing. He came today to pick up the rest of his stuff. He assumed he was getting the car. so he came on the Greyhound. I told him last night I was gonna give it to him. As soon as he came in, he started talking about the title, and I told him to get his stuff together, then we would talk. I reminded him he owed me money from last month and while he was counting the money, I told him he's not getting the car. He blew up. He got so mad he gave me an extra 100 by mistake. He stormed out, said he's finished with me. Never wants to see me again. Unfortunately, in between all this stuff, we managed to have sex. I also told him I knew about the funny stuff he did with the IRS in Florida, and how good that its just a secret between him and me. And I guess I will have to learn to chop wood. I can't wait.

Keep in touch.

[skynet74]

Break ups are hard enough as it is... but when it involves moving out of your house and changing your whole life..... it just makes things worse. Add animals and (or) kids to the mix and it truly becomes your worst nightmare. My Ex and I lived together for 10 years. She decided to leave. So then it becomes a game of WHO GETS what. We are both on the loan for a Car. But she decided to take it when she moved out. She left me without a Car and no way to get to the Grocery store a mile away. She told me to use my Feet. Isn't that nice? So I had to go out and get my own Car after that. Luckily I had a little money put away to do that or else I would have been REALLY pissed! It's a used Car that I just paid for in cash. So I own it. But now she's stuck paying a $386 Dollar a month Car payment all by herself for the car we shared. Good for her. Serves her right for taking the car in the first place!

 

She also left me with all the house bills and a monthly rent payment that I really couldn't afford on my own either. But after she left she just didn't care if I had enough money or not. She would have just assumed left me dead and broke in the street. That is sure how she acted towards me. She was just glad that she no longer had to pay half of anything. So I eventually had to move out. Luckily I found an inexpensive apartment that I can afford. In the meantime she is still stuck living in a spare room at her friends apartment because she is not disiplined enough to save for her own apartment.

 

So what was an absolutely horrible situation for me most of this year has changed for the better. The tables have turned and now she is the one struggling financially. Perhaps that's GOD's way of paying her back for all the pain she put me through. Hopefully she will learn her lesson.

 

Life is a cycle of good and bad. A constant Roller Coaster. The bright side is that if you are going through the bad right now...... then there is only one way to go from here. Things WILL get better. Even if you are on a mountain! ;-)

 

 

John

[DBL]

Where upstate did you move to? I am very familiar with the Catskills. I worked in the Catskills for years. Have family up there as well. I now live in South Florida. I would rather be in the Catskills.

 

DBL

[ebola316]

DBL, I'm in a small village between Oneonta and Binghampton. Maybe we can switch homes, because I would rather be back in Florida. I moved here to please him and don't really like it here. It's cold and the people have strange accents. They do strange activities such as quilting bees, maple syrup festivals and the like and all the kids look like they came from the village of the damned. I've never been much of a people-person either due to past experiences. I left myself wide open to this idiot though, and thats not like me. I guess I got what I deserved. I don't go for all this crap either about him wanting to be friends. I hope he gets cancer, AIDS and drives off a cliff. Talk to you soon.

[ebola316]

John, it's Ebola, thanks for the words of wisdom. Speaking of cars, my ex assumed I owed him a car when he left. I have 2 and really don't need the one that he wanted, but it's mine and I'd rather have it sit in the driveway with a dead battery all winter before I give it to him. To make a long story short, I told him he could pick up the car when he picked up the rest of his stuff. So he took the Greyhound here yesterday, fully expecting the car. I reminded him he owed me money, and while he was counting it out I told him forget the car. He told me we're finished don't call etc. He was more worried about the car than about the predicament he's leaving me in. So thats how much he cared. I've had it. Like I said to DBL in my post, I hope he gets EBOLA and dies.