Top 10 Relationship Wreckers by Dr Allison Connor

[melrich]

See if you or your partner display any of these relationship wreckers,

 

1. Neglecting Your Partner (ignoring, workaholism, addictions) primary function of a relationship is to provide companionship and to meet each other’s needs. When other activities, interests or preoccupations interfere with our availability, we can wind up short-changing our partner. This can be thought of as absenteeism or being MIA. Taking an inventory and making adjustments in how we spend our time is the first step in correcting this problem. Treat your partner as the important person they are by spending enough quality time together to satisfy each of your requirements in this area and to maintain your connection.

 

Article full text link removed

[CarterJonas]

My No 1. Jealousy and Insecurity

[zab]

brilliance, sheer brilliance, so true and to the point

 

Zab

[melrich]

Hi Carter Jonas,

 

Yes I think you could definitely add Jealousy/Insecurity to this list. Good point.

[CarterJonas]

The only reason I added that was that , to begin with, my ex. was seriously insecure and a jealous person. There was no way that I could talk to girl friends (that were also pretty) in front of her. It go so bad that whilst walking down the high street I was accused of eyeing up other women.

 

gosh I have finally seen the light and not just the rosey side of my last relationship. She did get over it though, to be fair to her.

[Mun]

I've done 5 out of those 10... and yes it ruined my relationship. Pretty good list.

 

Now, I hope we can learn from our mistakes. That's the true challenge... making ourselves change our ways. I suppose recognizing and admitting our faults is step 1 to improving our relationships.

[DestructoBoy]

From personal experience I have to agree with Carterjonas!

 

Jealousy and insecurity would be at the top of my list.

[melrich]

You have to remember taht all of us will exhibit these behaviours from time to time. It is the extremes of these behaviours that is the problem. Eg Jealousy/Insecurity probably falls under possesiveness.

 

If a person is totally secure in a relationship and does not have any jealousy attached to his partner, it could be seen as taking the relationship for granted. A little bit of insecurity and jealousy is good...it keeps us on our toes so to speak. It is when these traits become possessiveness that the problem starts.

[gersanos]

I'm going to play devil's advocate here on a couple of these. In extreme conditions these would hold true, but, we don't live in a perfect world here and everyone is guilty of these from a time to time.

 

1. Neglecting Your Partner (ignoring, workaholism, addictions)

 

This is critical & I have no major arguments about it. However, if someone is working long hours to establish or further their career, and both know that it will be short term, then this can be worked out through communication.

 

2. Depriving Your Partner (not being attentive, expressive, affectionate, supportive, caring, loving):

 

No arguments here. If you fail to do this, then I don't know if it's a personality type or if you just should not be in a reltionship with someone. If it's stress & other outside factors, then once again communication is important & it can be worked out.

 

3. Dishonesty & Betrayal (infidelity, lying)

 

No arguments here. This is unacceptable.

 

4. Attacking Your Partner (blaming, abuse – physical, emotional, sexual):

 

No arguments here - unaccetpable.

 

5. Scapegoating (taking your anger or frustration out on you partner):

 

This will happen from a time to time, and the other person should be there for you in a time when things are going tough. I took out quite a bit on a girl I dated once, she reacted, we needed time apart, then we talked about it. I had lots of stress and outside factors going on in my life. We talked about it, I apologized for it, and I apologized for not communicating everything that was going on with me. Unfortunately, that episode began our downward spiral, even though I did not repeat it.

 

If the person you are dating is also a friend, they would support you at times with things. They are there as a friend as well, and don't take it as a personal attack. I guess this varies with the extent of scapegoating: if it's continuous, then yes it's a problem. For me it only happened once, and unfortunately things went downhill. I thought that was pretty absurd, and that we had a much stronger foundation between us. I thought wrong.

 

6. Negativism (nitpicking, nagging, criticising):

 

This is debatable. I like to tease and it's playful. I had a few girls I dated tell me that my sarcasm or as one girl put it "conniving comments" really hurt them. Unfortunately, this was right before we broke up or as we broke up. That is not entirely my fault. The other party has to communicate things that bother them. I always tell the other person what will/does bug me, but in a nice way. Set up personal boundaries.

 

Also, I was teasing/sarcastic from the first day I meet them. If it hurt them once we started to get serious, then they should say something about it. Don't hold back and let it build up. Failure to do so ties in with point 10 (being passive).

 

But again, if it's constant and continuous it will ruin a relationship. And at the same time, the other party should verbalize this if it bugs them. I'm not talking about flat-out abuse, but if they cannot handle or take my jokes the wrong way.

 

7. Gossiping (telling family or friends about your problems but not addressing them with your partner):

 

I have done this plenty of times. I do it for advice. If I am unsure about something in our relationship or fighting with my girl quite a bit, I ask certain friends for advice. This is something that I need to improve on. I need to keep it between me and the other person. When I went to others with it, it was because I honestly did not know what to do and was immature with relationships bit. It did upset the last girl I dated and she made it clear that she goes to no one with problems that we have. But, sometimes a 3rd party is needed for advice. Whenever I have gone for advice, it was also a girl I dated for 6 months or less.

 

8. Controlling Your Partner ("my way" or else, perfectionism, trying to change your partner, possessiveness):

 

Unacceptable; no arguments here.

 

9. Putting Yourself First (self-centeredness, selfishness, entitlement):

 

Agreed. Selfishness will ruin things.

 

10. Putting Yourself Last (self-neglect, passivity, self sacrifice):

 

No arguments here.

 

Relationships are not going to be perfect. People will mess up, and get the other party upset. It's how the two handled it. If I did wrong, I go back and try to correct it, and it should be vice-versa. Problems like these mentioned above should be worked out with COMMUNICATION. Communication is the number one reason why relationships fail. All the points that were aforementioned will cause a relationship to fail if they are not talked about and worked on. They should be addressed. I guess that falls along the lines of the other person being passive. I for one cannot read minds, and at times am unaware that I have been guilty of doing wrong(s) or creating certains harms to the relationship.

 

Much does stem from insecurity, but I truly believe that ineffective communication is the biggest wrecking ball out there for relationships.