Hope I'm not the only one

[Poca]

we broke up in April this year -- I went through hell and back trying to get over the breakup, because I saw him at work every day, we still talked, and since about Aug, we started to talk every day and hang out regularly - we both play and love poker, so that kinda kept us together.

 

While all along I was really hard to get over my feelings for him, or at least to be able to move on. I was doing pretty well, even though in the back of my head I felt we belong together.

Eventually we ended up sleeping together once or twice, but that just made it worse, because we still didn't have a relationship and I still saw him at work where he are friends with a lot of people - and especially the one women that works with him. I suspect, but am not sure, that he has feelings for her, although she's married and I know he hangs out with her and her husband. But still, they are in constant contact, either talking or on MSN (I see it cause I have to walk past both their desks every day) and go to lunch together 3 - 4 times a week.

 

Anyway - I told him I need to move on and that there will be no sleeping together if we want to be friends. Much to my surprise that upset him a lot, and well - we ended up getting back together. He told me that he still loves me and suddenly life looked pretty good.

 

That was about two weeks ago. Last weekend we had an incident - I got jealous at a poker game where he was (in my mind) flirting too much with one of the women there -- but -- he IS a big flirt and he's always talking to women. I got so mad that I walked back to my apt, didn't tell him where I was going, and turned my phone off. When I woke up the next morning, I felt absolutely terrible. I had too much too drink the previous night and don't think I would have acted that way if that wasn't the case.

I called him to apologise and to come pick me up - my car was at his place - he came and surprisingly, wasn't mad. I apologised over and over again, he was a little upset, he was up all night worrying about where I am.

 

After that I noticed that he got a little distant, not much, but I know him well enough to know that it was bothering him.

 

In the mean time, we haven't really told people at work we are back together, kinda planned to break it to them at the holiday party this weekend, and he still spend a lot of time with his married friend at work.

 

Monday night he called be about nine, I asked if he was working until then, and he said no, he went to see a movie. I said oh, with who. And he casually said 'Jessica' - that's the married friend.

I felt as if somebody hit my in the stomach. I was devastated - I don't know if I'm just too jealous and if I was wrong in feeling that way, but I expected for him to tell me if he was going to the movies with her. I couldn't talk normally on the phone with him, and told him I have to go, I tried not to make a big deal of it and just needed a couple of minutes to sort out what I'm feeling, and I told him I don't want to talk to him right that minute.

 

Got online a couple of minutes later and talked to him, and he was MAD. Mad at me for being upset, mad at me for basically hanging up on him, so I called him, trying to explain, but he just got more upset.

 

Next morning at work(that was yesterday), I asked him if he was still mad, he said yes. I told him I'm not mad and I don't want him to be, so, should I just wait it out until he's ready to talk to me. He said yes and I said ok.

 

Went to a poker game last night, he arrived after we started playing, didn't say hi or anything, I was out early and basically ran out of the place to go home.

Called him to ask him if he want to come over when he's done, and he just said NO.

So last night was one of the worst nights of my life. I went through all the stuff I worked so hard to get over.

 

This morning I didn't go to work, sent him an IM, asked why he doesn't want to talk to me, why is it such a big deal, and basically he told me that he is 're-evaluating' our relationship, and that there's nothing I can do.

 

I know there is nothing I can do at this point, but I'm scared. Scared to go through all the heartache again, scared not to have him in my life, but also scared that we are going to have all this crap over and over again, if we stay together.

 

I cannot believe this is happening to me again.

[me4ta]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this again in one year - this year is so bad - so many people I know, including myself, broke up.

 

Anyways, you seem needy to him, you call him, beg him for explanation, he's holding all the cards and can play this game however he wants and can. You feel this way because you can't change it or influence his decision, I know what you're going through.

 

The only thing that you can do is to tell him that you're evaluating this relationship too - without letting him know whether you mean it in a bad way or a good way - put your pocker face on.

 

I'm not telling you this to get back at him or to get him back, but really, reavaluate this relationship. He's a flirt, he knows you know it and he knows it bothers you so he does it anyway, on purpose and gets mad because you're being yourself because it's not acceptible if you're together to flirt in front of your gf with other women. It's disrespectful.

 

Do you really want this in your life? Do you really want to go through this all the time. If you think about it, if it ends, you'll have to go through this hardship just one more time now - and you're not gonna die from it - it'll take time and effort, but you'll get over him - BUT what's ahead of you is possibly a healthy relationship with a person who's going to be respecting you, loving you and not messing around with married women.

 

Think about yourself, honey, you have to protect yourself - you cant let some guy hurt you like that.....it's like a really painful stick in your finger, you can pull it out and it'll hurt for a bit, or you can leave it and it'll start infecting you, so you'll be in more pain than in the first option.

 

Being in a relationship that hurts you everyday for years is much worse than ending a bad relationship where you'll be in pain just for a few months.

 

I hope it helps. Good luck.

[Poca]

thank you so much for your reply

I guess you said everything I needed to hear, and maybe knew it in the back of my mind, but didn't want to believe it.

The good times are really good, but if I think about it -- I don't want be in a relationship where every small difference or every fight/argument is enough reason to consider breaking up? Surely a relationship must be more stable than that??

 

LOL @ poker face.

 

You're right, I should have told him I'm re-evaluating it too, I think what kept me from saying something, is because I know/think he would have taken that as a breakup confirmation.

And I'm not going to contact him again before he contacts me. And in the mean time, I'm going to try very hard to get back to the level I was in the week or so before we got back together.

 

you've said a lot of true things that I needed to hear, thank you so much for that.

Will you call me each morning for a week and remind me???? kidding of course, but the next month is probably gonna be bad, with my birthday and the holidays coming up.

[GettingOverIt]

I was in a relationship once where the woman was very open and flirty with other guys. I got jealous about it and told her that, and her response was that jealousy is an ugly monster and that I should know her flirting doesn't mean anything. I tried to look passed it after that, but I just couldn't. I'm sorry, but if you love someone and they don't appreciate the flirting, I would think you would stop doing it... Maybe that's just me and my issues.... ;-)

 

The 'no contact' thing is very hard. I have been on both ends of that. What I did was to create an email that I wanted to send to the woman, then put my own name in the TO box... Then, I typed away! When I hit send, it came back to me only... If you can get things out, and not break NC, you're better off!!

[Poca]

I really appreciate everything you guys said. It helps a lot to keep perspective on reality.

 

At this point, I've kind of accepted that we are breaking up again, and I am pretty sure it's happening, but still, I dread the final call/email/IM that will bear that message.

 

I wish I can fast forward my life a couple of months. Now wouldn't that be great.

[me4ta]

I'm glad I could help - my mom performed that kind of "brainwashing" on me every single day until I got a sense of this whole thing and got much much better.

 

So I'm passing on the good stuff to people who need it. You need to hear a rational point of view, because when we start thinking too much about this whole situation we're in - we tend to overdo it, even though as you said deep down inside we know all the right things we have to do, we just don't listen to ourselves.

 

Anyways, don't worry about your bd, everything is going to be fabulous, you know it ! You are great, remember that, and he's in the past ... poor him....you're gonna do so much better, you know it, you just don't believe it yet, but you will, I promise, we all will.

[Poca]

thank you

 

this afternoon he IM'ed me and just chit-chatted -- didn't say anything about the whole issue that we're having, and I wasn't going to first. I talked to him like a friend, and he called me later on his way home and I just mentioned as part of the conversation that I was going to play poker tonight. Didn't ask him if he'll be going or what he would be doing tonight, I just wanted him to know that I'm about to go on with normal life.

 

I really wish I had the willpower to make a clean break now, but seeing him every day just makes that impossible. I would have been much better if we didn't have to see each other each day.

 

Reading about all the break-u[s here, and especially the unexpected ones -- that really is scaring me -- how do you ever know, or is love just one big gamble???

[me4ta]

Oh it is a big gamble, if you think about it, we fall in love when we're teenagers for the first time without even thinking and knowing what hit us. We love with all our heart and we don't even think or even know what it would be like to lose that feeling....until it hits us. We break up for the first time and if it's painful, it stays with us for a long long time, sometimes even for ever.

 

I was afraid to open up for a long time after my old boyfriend cheated on me with my friend and I was getting over that for almost 2 years, even though our relationship with him lasted only a year and a half. My recent ex didn't get to hear from me that I loved him, and I was and still questioning if I loved him at all - I just closed my heart onto this, and played it safe - in the end I lost still.

 

So after this recent break up, I realized, when we find that one person that touches our heart and soul - there's no guarantee that it'll last, but you can't live in your "shell" and play it safe all your life, you have to take chances. So now I know that I will be taking chances, and if it means to break up with a person who's not good for me and I know it deep in my heart - I will take that risk. We live only once, you know.

[Poca]

I think this forum helps me keep my sanity. Everytime I start to lose focus, I come back, read through all of these posts and get clarity again.

 

Here's the rest of my story up to today -- so we had a peaceful Thursday and Friday - we talked a lot - about normal stuff though, and went out for lunch both days, which is a rarity.

Here's the kicker. So last night was regular poker night at his house.

During a break I went upstairs to the study where kids were watching tv to check on mine - and while I am there an IM pops up on his pc screen. Now why would I NOT read it.

 

Basically it was from a woman who explains that she couldn't understand why he wanted to see her on Tuesday when he knows Wed and Thurs are the daysshe doesn't have her daugther, and she was thinking they'll be together those days, blah blah blah. Needless to say, I was speechless.

 

I went downstairs, finished my game, said goodbye and went home. At home I deleted and blocked him from IM, I'm absolutely not going to talk to him about it.

Tonight we have our holiday party at work and he'll be there. I am going to have fun, be very cool and polite when I run into him.

I will tell him (if he asks anything) that I don't have anything to say to him. If he asks why, I'll tell him that he should go figure that out himself.

 

Though I am extremely sad, it's different this time. I'm sad and I'm crying my heart out, but I had a strange kind of peace came over me. It's over. And now I can move on. It's not going to be easy, but at least I know now I can't take him back, even if he wants to. I'll never trust him again.

 

He called twice today and left a message for me to call him. Usually I'll give in, but I really don't have anything to say to him.

I'm not gonna yell and scream and ask for explanations. Because there is absolutely NOTHING he can say that'll make this right.

[me4ta]

I"m sorry to hear that it all ended this way - it's hard to realize things like that about the person you once cared so much for.

 

Sometimes, being disappointed in your ex really helps you to move on, because you, as you well put it, realize that it's not up to him to take you back or not - it's YOUR decision because you don't want him - and that gives you some sort of comfort, even though you hurt so much.

 

It's good to let it all out, your grief your pain, your tears, but not in front of him of course.... Just let yourself to go through this pain and it'll get better.

 

Of couse it's hard that you see him a lot at work - you could possibly concider finding yourself another job, maybe you'll find something very cool and exciting, with lots of new faces and who knows who you might meet there. Just concider it.

 

If you need to vent, just PM me.

[Poca]

this is really harder on me than I thought. I miss talking to him so much. We talked on Sunday and basically both got mad and yesterday we did our best to avoid each other at work, etc, and it almost killed me.

I sent him an email last night, I just had to because I just couldn't stand the situation, and I just told him that even though I am angry, sad, etc, that I can't do the whole ignoring/avoiding thing on purpose and that I just want to work through all these things without being mean and without trying to hate him. He sent a quick response of thank you and he appreciates my thoughts, etc. Also that he's not going to say more because he doesn't want to be rude and mean. I didn't really expect him to reply, but I'm glad he did.

 

Anyway -- it's just so hard. I cannot remember how I got through this early stage the first time. I know I should keep myself busy and do things, but how can I, if I barely manage to do the normal day-to-day stuff, like work, brush my teeth, etc. I just don't know what to do.

 

I just want the hurting and pain to stop. I will do anything to stop it. Only if I knew what.

[me4ta]

Well, I'm not advocating it, but if you are really depressed, talk to your doctor, maybe he can prescribe you something during this time to calm you down. Depression is a very scary thing, so if you feel that you can't cope at all, I suggest to go to the doctor and see what he/she can tell you you can do.

[Poca]

I just need to tell the rest of my story.

 

After two days of absolutely ignoring each other at work, on Wednesday we started talking again. Nothing serious, just normal conversations.

Friday night I played poker again at his place, that was nice and comfortable as there usually are a lot of people and there's no time for any personal stuff.

 

Saturday morning (on his way to visit his parents), he called me and we talked, just talked for about 30 minutes. At the end of the conversation, he dropped the 'I have to tell you something before you hear it from someone else. I'm dating someone new, also someone from work'. Once again, something in me died. I asked him how long, and he said for the last week (since our major fight).

 

Last night when he returned from his parents, he called me again, and we talked for a long time. I think for the first time we know each other, we talked on a level that makes sense. And about our relationship, etc.

Basically he and this girl were working on a project together, and for some time he said that there was an attraction between them. Something unspoken, but it was there. THey talked every day for the past couple of weeks (as a result of the project) and they grew closer.

 

And then we got back together, and now it makes sense to me. He said that he thinks he unconsciously was looking for something to make it NOT work, because of these feelings he had for her - and I all along had the feeling that he was not really trying.

 

So they've deciding to start dating, and have only been out a couple of times this week.

 

He said that he still has and probably always will have strong feelings for me, and that he's not saying she's the girl for him, but that he learned a lot from the mistakes from our relationship and that he's approaching this one differently.

Now that we've talked about everything and we agreed on what we thought went wrong, and he is changing the way he goes about relationships, I feel cheated. I really do. Why could he not have changed before us?? Why did I have to go through all this -- to prepare him for a successfull relationship with someone else while I'm left with nothing??

 

Anyway, we parted on good terms, I am not going to be the needy ex-gf, I told him that I will move on too and will start going out and seeing other people, but inside my heart is breaking. I still love him so much, but I know him well enough to know that he decided to work harder on his next relationship, and since the girl he started seeing, IS a very nice girl, I know and like her -- they probably might end up together.

 

And I really feel cheated. Because if he had that attitude with our relationship, things would have been so much better.

 

It's very hard for me to believe that maybe he's not the one for me, and it's even harder for me to believe that I can feel this way about any one else.

 

I am so sad, I couldn't go to sleep last night, was awake until 3am, and woke up about every hour until 7, and then stayed awake. I don't know how I'm going to cope the next couple of weeks. Somehow, when I was angry, that was my driving force. But now I have nothing but sadness.

 

thank you all for reading.

[GreatGuy]

This sucks!! Why do we have to sit here and go through all of this while they just move on like its nothing big at all. Now they treat us like insurance sells person over the phone. I cannot believe you have to go through the entire break up again, since from what I read you had some hopes things would work out....and it may have been harder on you seing him at work!!!

Now how are you going to cope with the fact that you might see them together??? That would drive me so crazy!!!!!!!!

Man I feel your pain, and I hope you trully find the strenght to start a new relationship with you. Never mind meeting new people, never mind all the showing him that you've moved on stuff, Just heal properly and again with your new found glory and strengh everyone might notice that (including him.) But please don't blame yourself anymore....he doesn't deserve that much after all he put you through. He left you right away started seing someone else?? That is F....up!

I am so mad for you right now and I too miss my special someone this morning...I could easily pick up the phone and call but you know what I have way too much respect for myself to do that. I am not playing any games anymore, but I have to treat and put myself on such a high Pedestal that anyone she meets or date could NEVER EQUAL to. That's what I think of my love and what I bring to the table. I am such a catch for anywoman right now and I feel that girls will fight over me if they want me.

You too should feel that way. The kinda love you gave (physical & emotional is second to none and people should be lining up and fight over you!!)

 

 

[me4ta]

You see, you know my story just a bit, my ex probably was building some kinda attraction towards this girl and broke up with me in a flash while being drunk because he was too much of a whimp to do it sober and started dating that girl right away.

 

I can't imagine and understand how you can be with one person and supposedly have feelings for that person and then just stop everyting and start over with a new person. Just the thought of him sleeping with her in the same bed he slept with me a week prior...is just still not registering with me well.

 

I know exactly what you're going through, it's very hard to comprehend, but unfortunately you can't change jobs, so this is a real test for you. You have to control yourself, don't blame yourself by any means, it's not like he never wanted to try to be better with you - it's just you were not the girl he felt he needed to be better with. And it's not your fault, and it's not his fault either. It's just we get confused, we make mistakes - men are in matters of love are as confused as we are and are impolsive as well.

 

You need to understand that sometimes what we feel is not what other people are feeling - unfortunately. You can't blame yourself, because you've done nothing wrong - you guys were well suited for each other on a surface, on some level, but not on all levels. You see, if you were in his shoes, finding a guy at work with whom you had connection for a long time - you would have been looking at it from a stand point of - yes, it is possible to feel something more for another person. but since it had not happen to you yet - you have to heal and try to make yourself to understand that HE IS NOT THE ONLY AND LAST PERSON YOU WILL EVER LOVE. He's just not. It's hard to believe in it, but you can do it.

 

I spent nights without sleep, I'm still not dating, but I believe that I can find better. If I can, so can you. People go through much worse situations than you and I, and they move on, the find happiness - so think about that and try to move on. I know you're strong enough to do it.

[baddasslegend92]

Con't to us the NC.I know its hard but it works as you can see.