Friend acting distant

[Cherry009]

Hey, some insight on this would be great....thanks!

 

One of my very good friends has recently become a bit distant. She suffers from depression and has recently come off her medication so i am not sure if that has anything to do with it. She recently had a gathering around her place, i was out of town that weekend and got held up so couldn't make it, I told her last minute because i only found out last minute that i wouldn't make it in time, she took this soooooo badly and, she got really emotional about it and basically told me i had really hurt her, i apologised and after some time she was fine with me and things seemed to be back to normal.

 

Just recently her boyfriend has moved in with her, they have had a bumpy ride during their relationship (he was married and she was the mistress, but he left his wife and they are now bf/gf) whenever she has had a problem i have dropped everything and gone to help her/ be there for her / support her/ be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on etc. Anyway since the bf has moved in she has been distant and brief with me, she said she has been busy but i don't think that is a good excuse. I was meant to meet up with her a week or so ago, i was trying to arrange it and she didn't get back to me about it until about 5 days later (the day we were meant to meet) by this time i was already out and not prepared for a night out as i assumed we weren't going out, i suggested we still meet, like i could go over to hers or we go for lunch/dinner but she just said she was in the middle of something and would rather carry on with that. I replied being understanding with her but no reply, then a few days later i texted her just asking how she is and making general convo and she replied saying that she has been busy, that is all i have heard from her. I am not sure what to do, should i just leave it?

[lizzie2011]

I think you should leave it. I find that when women in particular become seriously involved with a boyfriend they tend to let their friendships slide (the honeymoon phase). She'll be back, I can guarantee that. The minute the relationship is in trouble or when it becomes boring then she will be back to borrow your shoulder to cry on. Its happened to me tons of time. Right now, my attitude for people like that is "if you're here you're here but if you're not you're not". I don't drop everything to run to hold their hands because they had a fight with the husband/fiancee/boyfriend. I have my own life.

 

So here's my two cents. Ask her if everything is fine between you. More likely than not she will answer that it is. Tell her that you have been missing her and it seems like lately she doesn't have time for you. If she makes time to see you then that's great. If not, you can't force her to do anything.

 

When you have a spare minute read an article on codependency. I learned about it here on ENA. It may or may not apply to your situation but there's nothing wrong with having a bit of extra information

[Cherry009]

Thanks Lizzie, When i say i drop everything, maybe that is an exaggeration, i just meant that I have tried to be there for her when she has needed it, she doesn't have any family and is often very fragile mentally, i don't mean that i would cancel other plans or put her before anything else.

 

I looked up codependency and i probably am guilty of that sometimes, i lot of people even tell me i am too nice. Well i have recently text and asked if things are ok with us, so i think i will just leave it now. and toughen up a bit Thanks again. And yep i agree...i am sure she will be back once there is some kind of trouble!

[mhowe]

She's just come off meds, she is moody, her bf has moved in --- and you wonder why she is being distant.

Pick one, any one.

[Cherry009]

She's just come off meds, she is moody, her bf has moved in --- and you wonder why she is being distant.

Pick one, any one.

 

I know, it's probably all 3 of those things, but i wondered more what i should do, I think I am just going to leave it. I am all too familiar with the kind of friend who picks u up when it suits them and drops you when it suits them. My main guess is the boyfriend, it usually happens with girls

[ParisPaulette]

I tend to think that she's a bit of a "it's all about me" friend. When she needed you, she was right there to happily take full advantage of you dropping everything to cater to her needs. And that's not really being a friend so much as it an unpaid therapist. Such friendships are pretty much one-sided deals where you're along for the ride as long as you can give the "friend" what they need. And unless she did the same thing back for you it was indeed a very one-sided thing. Now that she has her BF though she doesn't need you for all those things, she has him. So she's distant with you not because she's mad at you, but just because frankly you aren't even in her universe at the moment and attempts by you to contact her are in her view a distraction to getting what she wants and needs right now, which is attention from the boyfriend. I know that sounds cold and it's probably not what you want to hear, but it's something you can't take personally. If he leaves her tomorrow she'll be back at your door demanding all your time and attention and likely very indignant if you point out that what she essentially abandoned you.

 

All you can do with such people is understand they are users and they don't make the greatest of friends. And maybe find someone who wants a give and take friendship rather than an all take one.

[Cherry009]

Thank you, yes you are right, you have just described the friendship exactly! It's pretty sad really.

[ParisPaulette]

I know about those, because I've had several. Ugh, no more. I now insist my relationships are equal--i.e. if I'm there for you, you have to be there for me too. If I do something for you, you had better have the manners to offer something back. Not to keep score, but I finally found out that if you offer to drive a friend to their doctor's appointment the good ones will say, "Let me take you out to lunch afterwards," or bring you a cup of coffee the next morning. The selfish friends say nothing or (worse) complain about how crappy your car is, you were late, your driving is bad. THEN later on if you ask if they can come get your or just make a call for you since you're broken down beside the road they'll tell you they have to get their toenails done and can't, they just can't. Then usually launch into a rant about the latest insult/indignity/awful thing they've suffered while you try and figure out how you're going to get home.in the rain.in the dark. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but not by much in my experience and I've actually had worse than that happen.

 

Run as far away as you can from such "friends" is all I have to say. It never ends well.

[Cherry009]

Thank you, yeah you are right, its the kind of thing that has to learnt the hard way i guess!