Divorce with children

[yvette91]

I'm 22 and my husband is 24 and our daughter is turning 3 in October. We have been together for almost 4 years, married for 3 of those years. We recently agreed that it be better for us to separate. I am so scared of what it may mean for our daughter in the future. You always hear about the "statistics" of how children of divorce always have trouble in their lives.

 

Does anyone have any advice dealing with children and separation?

[Seraphim]

As long as your child knows that both parents love her it should be an easier transition. Children of divorced parents often blame themselves for their parents divorce. The both of you should explain to her that it has nothing to do with her she did nothing wrong. And both reassure her that you both love her very much. As long as you both participate in her life and love her she will be fine. Divorce is more a problem when one parent or the other does not participate in the child's life and does not reassure them that they are loved.

 

My parents divorced when I was a young child ,about six. My mother and my step father divorced when I was 12. I've led a pretty successful life. I finished high school .I graduated university. I went to a private college. I was for the most part happy with the work I did.

 

I have had a 25 year relationship with my husband. And I have a wonderful, happy almost 16 year old son.

 

My brother is also a very successful person with three beautiful daughters.

 

So don't always look at statistics.

[Heart On]

You always hear about the "statistics" of how children of divorce always have trouble in their lives.

 

Well,if it makes you feel any better,there are also statistics regarding children who have trouble in

thier lives thanks to growing up in toxic/dysfunctional marriages.

 

To a certain degree kids are resiliant and know more than we think about the state of our marriages.Mine were actually happier when we split and there I was staying married for thier sakes.

 

That being said there are TONS of sites and books designed to help parents navigate thru separation and divorce.

 

Afterall, the divorce rate is around 50%.

Google is your friend.

But this one looked like a good start.

 

link removed

[lavenderdove]

Actually divorce statistics show that the children do well when the parents are civil with each other and focus on happy parenting of the children rather than drama and acrimony and using the children as tools to work out their issues with each other.

 

And the younger the child, the less the impact, so if your daughter is only 3, in time it will be the 'new normal' for her and she won't even remember a time when her parents lived together, so it will just be a normal life for her if you and your husband behave well and focus on ensuring she has a happy childhood. Happy parents make for happy children, and unhappy and battling parents make for messing up their children.

 

So it is more how the parents behave that is a factor in the mental state of the children more than the fact of the divorce itself. So continue to be good parents, don't fight in front of the child, and try to be the happiest you can be around your child and maintain a normal life for her, and she will be fine.

[Tanzi]

I am divorced with 3 children. My children were 12, 9 and 2 when my husband left. My children are not troubled. My eldest did hit a rebellious stage for a bit but nothing that couldn't be reigned in and, as lavenderdove pointed out, my 2 year old (as she was at the time) has grown up knowing no different (she is now 8 ). In fact when my ex-husband gave me a hug after he found out I had split with my current ex she said to her sisters "Eeew Mummy and Daddy are hugging, that's weird". They thought it was funny and told me. GOOD COMMUNICATION is key to any success story in life and you have the best foundations on which to build good communication. You seem to be splitting amicably and on mutual terms. No matter what the circumstances are behind any marriage break down, if the parents have the good sense to remain civil and try to overcome their differences there is no reason why any child/children from divorced parents shouldn't grow up happy, secure and surrounded by love. I feel as if my children have the best of two worlds instead of one.

[Heart On]

No matter what the circumstances are behind any marriage break down, if the parents have the good sense to remain civil and try to overcome their differences there is no reason why any child/children from divorced parents shouldn't grow up happy, secure and surrounded by love. I feel as if my children have the best of two worlds instead of one.

 

Oddly enough,when i read this I thought,if it was that easy,why even get divorced?

[lerenard]

It depends a lot on how you will educate her on the question of divorce. If you both decided that it will be better for you to go your separate ways you can still keep a friendly relationship and care for your little one. my older sister has two kids (5 and 3 years) from her previous marriage, she divorced when the youngest one was very small, so she doesn't even remember that she had any other father than the one my sister is with now. He has a child too from a previous marriage and this one is a bit shy and troubled, but its not because of the divorce, its because his mother still wants to see him, and she is allowed to do so, even though she is a very young alcoholic. So it really depends on how they will be raised.

[Tanzi]

Oddly enough,when i read this I thought,if it was that easy,why even get divorced?

 

I never for one moment suggested it was easy. Getting along with your ex is one thing, still being in love enough to stay married is quite another.

 

I was a complete mess when my husband left me for another woman. Communication between us was at an all time low as you can imagine. But I was not the only one involved in our marriage BU. I had 3 children to consider and my childrens' well-being was/is paramount to me. I knew that one day I would be over all of this so why destroy the relationship my ex-husband had with his children or screw up their lives for ever? The rants, raves, temper tantrums and anything else that went on between my ex-h and I in the early days were done well away from the ears of the children. When he came to the door to collect them I was civil to him. I smiled, I chatted and I pretended to be happy that the children were going off to play happy families with him and the women he left us for. It was only when the door closed that I would crumple to the floor and cry ... that is what I mean by remaining civil and overcoming your differences. It is by no means easy but I saw it as necessary.

 

The separation in this situation sounds amicable which means they already have a good start at building a workable relationship for the sake of their daughter.

[Heart On]

When he came to the door to collect them I was civil to him. I smiled, I chatted and I pretended to be happy that the children were going off to play happy families with him and the women he left us for. It was only when the door closed that I would crumple to the floor and cry ... that is what I mean by remaining civil and overcoming your differences. It is by no means easy but I saw it as necessary.

 

 

Well,since you didn't really mean sincerely civil,I get it now.And,btw...kids aren't stupid,they know what's real and what isn't.I have done that for my kids sakes for the past 5 years,until a week ago when I realized,he was just waiting to find the perfect time to twist the past to suit his agenda and spew that same ole hate and blame shifting and try to act like he was the one who left me.

 

LMFAO!

 

Forget civility now.

[Tanzi]

And,btw...kids aren't stupid,they know what's real and what isn't.

 

Yes I know, I have three of them. My eldest knew exactly what was going on when her father and I split and for a while she became hard to deal with but because we could put our differences aside and both stood united she came through and has grown into a mature, sensitive adult with an exceptionally good heart.

 

Being civil is being civil, whether it is sincere or not.