Should I Marry Her?

[Tanzi]

EDIT: I am getting confused because I forgot the post where you confessed that you were no longer together and hadn't spoken for a month .....

 

The only punishment you will suffer will be you unhappiness if you enter into a marriage you clearly don't want .... but your then wife will then suffer too. Yes, your GF (or rater ex) may feel like she is the one being punished now that you have said you don't want to get married but at least she will have the chance for happiness in the future. Being stuck forever in a loveless marriage will cause her (and you) endless heartache.

 

I am not able to find peace in my life...I dont feel like gettin married to anyone else...im full of guilt and want to beg sorry from her for my cold behaviour...i can realize how much I would have hurt her...please god give her all the happiness that i may have to get...

 

Relationships end all the time. Bearing in mind how you feel, you have actually done the right thing. You don't feel like getting married because 1) you are going through the emotions of a break-up and it can be hard on the dumper too; and 2) you haven't found the person you want to spend the rest of you life with.

 

Eventually you will both move on from this and find true happiness. At least by doing this you are giving yourselves both the chance of finding true happiness.

[fruitsmoothie]

I see a lot of people on this thread are answering, "if you're not sure after 4 years, definitely don't marry her". While I understand that from a distance your uncertainty on the subject of marriage could look like a lack of love, I suspect a more in-depth problem such as commitment issues, or trouble with decision making. Excuse my asking, but, how old are you? And have you had trouble making decisions in the past (professional decisions, etc.)? Do you have parents who often make your decisions for you?

[harsh284]

I take my own decisions in general ...im 29 yrs old....sometimes i face issues when takin decision but not always..

I see a lot of people on this thread are answering, "if you're not sure after 4 years, definitely don't marry her". While I understand that from a distance your uncertainty on the subject of marriage could look like a lack of love, I suspect a more in-depth problem such as commitment issues, or trouble with decision making. Excuse my asking, but, how old are you? And have you had trouble making decisions in the past (professional decisions, etc.)? Do you have parents who often make your decisions for you?

[fruitsmoothie]

Ok. I'm only asking because of the uncertainty you describe regarding this woman, and because I've seen this type of behavior before in other people. Some people have a lot of difficulty choosing because they are afraid that they might miss out on good things once that door is closed (for you, it's marriage with this girl - maybe marriage in general). My boyfriend is like this. Every time he commits to something (a job, an event, etc.) he feels as though he is in prison and cannot escape. It's terrible because he has a constant sense of dissatisfaction. He can never really enjoy anything, as he is always looking for an escape. He has just started a new job, and he is already thinking of what he will do when he leaves this job. This problem was caused by the fact that his mother has always been very domineering, and he has never felt confident enough making his own decisions in life. She has often chosen his life for him. His indecisiveness has also caused problems in our relationship. I just thought perhaps you may also have had domineering parents who never allowed you to trust your feelings and choices... just a supposition...

[harsh284]

I feel that i am somewhat like ur boyfriend....maybe ur right...now i feel that i may have closed door on somethin whihch might have been good for both of us....but i just wish that if someone could go and support her in this painful situation....whenever her thought comes to my mind i feel she might be in pain......if someone could tell her im sorry for wat i did and provide her emotional support...not sure wat i did right or wrong...

[mhowe]

It wasn't good for you --- you were not attracted to her and felt that you would want to stray from the marriage vows.

It wasn't good for her -- -to have that level of ambivalence in your potential mate is just wrong.

 

She will find someone who loves her --- physically, emotionally, spiritually. That person was not you.

 

You just keep saying the same thing. I think you feel guilt. For all you know, she is dating. And adored.

[harsh284]

may be ur right...im just feelin too guilty...actually this has been my problem i have never been able to gauge my true feelings...now also not sure if i love her or is it guilt...sometimes i feel i still love her and sometimes i feel guilty...but i didnt want to spoil her life because of my confusions and my problems...i want the best for her...i want her to be happy wid or widout me...

It wasn't good for you --- you were not attracted to her and felt that you would want to stray from the marriage vows.

It wasn't good for her -- -to have that level of ambivalence in your potential mate is just wrong.

 

She will find someone who loves her --- physically, emotionally, spiritually. That person was not you.

 

You just keep saying the same thing. I think you feel guilt. For all you know, she is dating. And adored.

[mhowe]

I would avail youreself of some therapy in order to learn how to gauge your true feelings, how to come to a decision and live with it, without being

consumed by guilt.

 

You did not love her. Love is not ambivalent.

[fruitsmoothie]

Love isn't ambivalent, mhowe, but some people have a lot of trouble trusting their own feelings. I've seen this a lot with men who have let their parents run their lives too long. Love isn't always about having that mushy feeling inside; it's also about choosing, and sticking to your choice. Of course, you do need to be in love with the person first (and I understand why you're insisting on the fact that perhaps harsh284 isn't in love with his former girlfriend), but that "butterflies" feeling doesn't last a lifetime. After that feeling subsides, a more solid, grounded, mature type of love kicks in, and that becomes the foundation of a solid healthy relationship/marriage. All I'm saying is, yes, love isn't ambivalent, but let's not kid ourselves here - I doubt that harsh284 will ever feel anything BUT ambivalent about someone if he has this much trouble making decisions in his life.

[harsh284]

wat u hav said makes me feel completely dump and guilty

[harsh284]

But I would want to highlight that I loved her for what she was and never cared about appearances/looks. Those did not matter to me. It was only after we had so many breakups in between that I kind of lost that feeling...even though my friends and parents said otherwise, I loved her for whatever she was...i was not able to deal with her anger...you can see my other thread

[harsh284]

I still miss her...

[fruitsmoothie]

Harsh284, I'm very certain you're not dumb and stupid at all. I'm sure you're a great guy! And I understand how people can freak out before making a life-changing decision such as getting married. It's normal to feel overwhelmed - it shows that you take it seriously and you don't want to make your wife unhappy in the future. I just disagree with some people on this site who have a very black-white vision of what love and relationships are. I believe that you can love someone, and know they are the right person for you, and still be afraid of committing to them. I also believe that you can love someone dearly and sometimes feel physically attracted to other people, especially when your couple is under pressure (I'm saying you can feel attracted - I'm not saying you ought to act on that feeling). Ultimately, all I'm saying is that marriage is about love (romantic love - that gut feeling you just can't control), but also about choosing to love. It's a difficult decision, and nobody - not your parents, not your friends, nor anybody here on this site - can make it for you. I didn't mean to say anything to offend you in my earlier posts. I am sure you are a very decent person, but I just recognized a certain behavioral pattern I have seen in people (especially young men) who have allowed their parents to choose their lives for them for longer than it is healthy, and I wanted to point that out to you. Perhaps I am wrong. I just thought you might be interested to know that this educational pattern sometimes causes eternal dissatisfaction, and unless you become aware of the problem and correct it, you could have trouble making other important decisions in other areas of your life too...

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[Lonewing]

you know, I think a great number of guys [and maybe girls] go through this issue, though I do think it's a greater number of guys. The immortal "Beauty versus Brains," or might we say, "P" versus "Personality." And there's that old truth, you don't have sex with a personality. You have sex with a body. Sex starts with what you see, and it carries all the way up to what you do together to achieve the end result. If you don't like what you see, your mind is not going to trigger your sex drive. No sex drive, no desire, an the heart wanders in the fields looking for something that inspires it.

 

There's a lot of people [and I say perhaps primarily women] who dream of relationships being based on something more than sex, or on Love and not sex, but I do not think this day will ever come. Obviously, a relationship will not thrive on sex alone, but that's kind of the point: sex or love alone, it won't work. What does come is Settling, and settling works for a short period of time but ultimately leave you both unhappy.

 

I've had my own issues with this reality rearing it's ugly head, and I have to be honest, it really sucks to be in this situation. On one hand, you have something Really Good, but it isn't Great. Do you stick with Really Good [as in, it has all the qualities that would make a very satisfactory partner] or do you stick it out for something more attractive with the same personality features? It's a hard, hard gamble. We would all love to find great, but most of them are already married by this point in our life.

 

Super hot never makes for a great relationship, obviously...unless you have all the things that might otherwise distract HER from you if you left her with that yearning for something more.

 

My instinct says to pass on the marriage. And move far, far away, so that you and her aren't tempted to get back together again. Serious.