SparklingKaren Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 I'm 19 and just started college. Not to be immodest, but I am attractive, sweet, smart and have a good sense of humor. I used to be very shy and insecure, but that has gotten better. I started this thing with this guy who wanted to use me for sex, and i knew that's all he wanted, but I was bored and lonley. He changed his mind when the opportunity presented itself and said i was too "thick", which I certainly am not. Anyway, i was so upset about that (my first weekend away at college) that I went home with the first guy who showed interest. I had no intention of having sex with him, because I was a virgin. But I was drunk, and although I said no at first, he kept pushing until I finally said yes. It was my own fault. I don't remember most of that night. I barely remember the sex. I just remember the pain. And the next night I took another boy home. And a couple weekends later, I let a random boy go down on me. And then the guy who called me thick came over the next night and we just fooled around. The next weekend I hooked up with another guy, a friend of a friend I was visiting at another school. I felt so horrible about myself, that I decided I wouldn't do that stuff again. I stopped for an entire month. And then at Halloween, when a couple of firneds lied to me and left me alone and stranded at an off campus party, I wound up making out wiht three guys and giving one of them head. It was my first time for that. I felt so incredibly horrible. I went back to my room and literally sobbed uncontrollably. I called my best friend and she couldn't even understand me. Again, I said I would never ever do that again. But then a couple weeks later, I emailed the guy who called me thick, and he came over and we had sex. for three minutes. It was awful. My legs started shaking at one point and I made him stop. But we started again. I still feel numb about the whole situation. When my legs were shaking, he asked me for a blow job. I said some very mean things to me and he wants nothing to do with me anymore. I have a full, wonderful life. I'm happy with myself. I feel worthy and deserving of a man who will hold me, and care for me, and not leave as soon as he's blown his load. But at the end of the day, no matter how much I try to be satisfied with what I have, I am still lonley. Incredibly lonley. Everyday I struggle with the compulsion to go out there and find the next boy to have sex with. Sometimes, the thought of fooling around with guys makes me shake physically. I want to be loved so much. And I want to wait for it to be right, for the right one to come along. But dammit, I can't stop myself from these random guys. I want it so much. It helps ease the pain of being so utterly alone. Its a stupid thing to complain about, I know, but I sit here, day after day, seeing how happy my friend's boyfriends make them, and I want to crawl into my bed and sleep until I feel better, or until I can wake up in someone's arms who loves me, or at least cares about me. I have so much to give. I want to be happy without a guy, and there are moments in my life that I am happy. But the pain of being alone, without anyone to love and kiss and share my life with kills me. I deserve more, but I keep coming back to these jerks who use me and go away and leave me alone as I cry. I cry a lot. I feel so empty. If anyone could give me some advice that would be nice. I went to the college therapist and she keeps telling me that its about how i feel about myself. its not about that. I'm very happy with the person that I am and feel deserving of love. i just feel frustrated and lonley that it hasn't come along yet. any advice to get past this really low stage in my life? Link to comment
Guarana Galrok Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 Look for a guy in your classes that you really like emotionally, and try to attract him/ask him out. Look into social avenues for guys that will respect you and treat you as well as you deserve...not just a guy that wants sex. Ask a friend you trust to introduce you to a guy they think you'd like. Resist the urges to go out and find another random guy. Respect yourself as much as you would expect a caring boyfriend to. Get out of your bed and go meet people. You'll find someone if you look. Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 I sympathize with you for what you are going through, I myself used to find some sort of self validation through sex. I didnt think anyone would ever love me for who I really am, so all I would really do is have meaningless physical encounters that staved off the loneliness for a while longer. Well, first off, just about every guy who is 19 leaves after he blows his load. For most 19 year old guys away at college, thats just how it is. Your therapist is right. You couldnt possibly be happy with yourself. If you loved yourself, you wouldnt let those guys treat you that way. It sounds like you have little to no self worth. You need to get that back. If loneliness is your problem, make some more friends. Join a club, get involved in a social setting that will get you around good people. If you are the wonderful person you say you are, then you will make friends in no time. If a guy truly likes you, then he wont mind waiting a bit for the sex. Just be patient, it will happen. If you continue to force it, well, you see how that is going for you. Oh, and be careful at those college parties or you may wind up in a Girls Gone Wild video. Link to comment
SparklingKaren Posted November 30, 2004 Author Share Posted November 30, 2004 thanks. that really makes me feel better. i know it'll get easier. i probably should stop drinking. that's when i meet all the bad ones. my school is just really small, so its hard to meet new people. i'll get through it though. thanks for the reply! Link to comment
wanderer Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 go out with your girl friends. ask them in advance to make it a GIRLS event only... no boyfriends allowed. go somewhere where they aren't many guys. this will help take your mind off of guys, and you can have fun with your friends with no pressure. Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 Wanderer has a good point. Your friends will hopefully have your best interests at heart, and hopefully wont let guys take advantage of you. Link to comment
SparklingKaren Posted November 30, 2004 Author Share Posted November 30, 2004 my friends don't have my best interest at heart. well one or two of them do. they all have boyfriends, who are their entire lives practically. My entire group of 5 other girls has a boyfriend, which doesn't help matters for me anyway. And one of my friends tried to get me to take her boyfriend's visiting (and wasted) friend home with me, who i hadn't even met or talked to the entire night. i probably need new friends. i guess that would be a good place to start. Link to comment
Strictly4MyGrind Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 new frineds new start new realtionship...make sure hes birthday is in january....dnt aks me why Link to comment
sisterlynch Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 Wow, your college days are steamy!! What you need to do is work on getting to know a guy as a friend -- and then letting the relationship build up from there. You can't expect a guy to like you if you have sex with him on the first date. The guy who calls you think is really an abusive partner. Your therapist is right, you need to get to know yourself better. Why do you feel like crying? What is going on inside you when you feel like crying? Are you disappointed in your behavior, and feel like you can't change things? Link to comment
SparklingKaren Posted November 30, 2004 Author Share Posted November 30, 2004 i dont' know why i feel like crying. its because i want so much more, but i constantly settle for these cheap, one night things where i just wind up alone again. i don't want to get used up and feel cheap, but thats what winds up happening, and it takes a lot for me to resist. i feel like i'm out of control sometimes. its fake, but it makes me feel loved and wanted and desired for just that small amount of time. when its over i realize how much more i want, and i swear it will never happen again, and then the next weekend the cycle repeats itself. maybe it will get better now that he is refusing to speak to me. Link to comment
sisterlynch Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 What were you like in high school? How did you make friends and how did you control your sexual urges? A drastic change would be to leave this school and continue at a college closer to home. I am not sure if you want to do that right now. Are your grades suffering as a result of this? Link to comment
SparklingKaren Posted November 30, 2004 Author Share Posted November 30, 2004 i actually just transferred here. i went to school from home last year. in high school i was 30 pounds overweight. i've lost the weight since then. i had guys interested in me, but we were both too shy to make a move. sex had crossed my mind before, but i had never considered doing the things that i have done. i considered my virginity very important to me. and then when this guy who told me i was too thick started talking sex to me. we talked about it online a lot. at first it was like a joke. but then it got more serious. and i thought about it a lot. i really have no trouble making friends here. i have a couple of good friends. most the people here are very superficial. my grades are fine. the day after i had sex with him, i got an A on a really important exam actually. maybe sex is good luck Link to comment
sisterlynch Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 As long as your grades are ok, then you should do well. I just sense that you are in need of some more committments, do you attend church or are you interested in a sorority? Join some clubs or work as a TA. Link to comment
michelemybell Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 Hi Karen, Honestly, I think you need to stop this now---or seriously, you will make a lifelong habit of looking for validation from men through sex. As you are finding out, this "high" of having a guy want you---even for a little bit---doesn't last that long, and you end up feeling worse about yourself. If you continue this, you will end up alone, used up and bitter toward men. I see women like that all the time, and it aint pretty!! How do you stop and get your life on track? You refrain from sex, and if you can, from relationships in general---at least for now. Take yourself out of situations where you might be tempted. You set goals and have a schedule everyday. You discipline yourself. You concentrate on school. You get involved in volunteering and hobbies. You discover your talents and why you were put on this earth. Trust me, these are the only ways of getting self-esteem. Once you get on the right path, you will discover that the "right" guys will be interested in you as a long-term girlfriend, rather than a three-minute thrill (which they can get from anyone really--and they probably do). Take care of yourself girl! Michele Link to comment
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