VeryShyGuy Posted November 29, 2004 Share Posted November 29, 2004 There is so much tension and stress at home. My mother (and my sister) usually vent their stress often at home. All this stress makes me feel continuously tense and restless. All I want is a peaceful home life. Everytime I try to have a peaceful home life, it is always shattered by this venting of "stress". Because of this stress and tension, it feels that I am not being loved by my family. My family has problems. Stress is one big problem, another big problem is the worsening debts and the declining health of my parents. There is so much negativity, despair and pessimism at home. Why doesn't my family always criticize me instead of giving me love, support and faith? How can I ever build up faith and confidence in myself when my parents don't have much faith in themselves (let alone having faith in me)? Everytime my sister or my mother criticizes me, it makes me feel like they don't accept me for who I am. Rarely do I receive a simple compliment. Rarely when someone in my family asks for my help do they use "please" or "thank you". Although most of the weight the household is on my parents shoulders (especially my mother's), I just wish I felt appreciated for the small tasks that I could do from time to time. I feel powerless when I comes to resolving the issues that plague the family. Never feeling appreciated, never having someone having faith in me (let alone having faith in myself), never a kind word, I feel downtrodden and unloved. I guess I cannot blame my family, somewhere deep down behind all the stress and despair, they do love me and appreciate me, it is just that I never see that love and appreciation. Being the oldest child in the family (and lacking inititive due to my over dependance on my parents) it always seems that my family can't accept me for who I am, to the point that I too feel uncomfortable with who I am. I no longer want to feel unhappy and frustrated at myself. I want to feel at peace with myself. Staying dependant with my parents, my life will never improve. Alternatively, convincing myself that all my issues are unimportant, moving on and never looking back, that would cause me to be estranged from my family. In my mind these are the only two alternatives, there is no balance or compromise between improving myself and being loyal to family. __________________________________________________________________________________________ Very rarely do I feel genuinely happy, hopeful or inspired. All my previous posts saying that I have somewhat gained more "self-confidence" was just wishful thinking. Being shy, lacking ambition (career wise), and overly dependant on my family, it feels like my life is going no where. Ultimately, I am responsible for my own life, not my parents. I want to change myself for the better, but at my own pace. I don't want criticism, I want faith and support. I want feel what it is like to love someone and have them love me the same way in return. I want someone to acknowledge and accept me for who I am. I want someone to have faith in me, to support me at the low points in life and feel proud of me during my high points. I wish I was more ambitious. I wish I had more self-esteem. I wish I had a much more active social life and a more active love life. I wish I had respect, not only respect from others, but also respect for myself. Someone on this forum told me not to be too hard on myself. On the contrary, I always believe that I am not being hard enough on myself. I always believe that I am not self-disciplined enough. The gap between who I am now, and the kind of person I want to be, that gap seems as wide as the ocean. Extending this little simile, I feel like I am in the middle of this ocean, and there is no sight of land in any direction. Also sometimes I feel that when trying to change myself for the better, my old self is holding me back. I greatly need a positive role model. For a while now, meeting this girl I like, in my mind I decided she will be my role model. Is the reason why I think I am in love with her is because of my need to feel loved and to have someone acknowledge me for who I am? Is the reason why I think I am in love with her because I see my own potential in her? Will pursuing this girl make me happier or will it result in tremendous heartbreak and more emotional pain? I am shouldn't be spending my entire life, sitting around waiting for a sign to improve myself. Despite this, I took this girl I like as the sign I needed. Although I couldn't significantly change myself, one thing I am certain of is after meeting this girl, it made me aware of how lacking my life is. I truly feel unprepared to start a relationship with this girl, I wish I could resolve all my issues before I do so, but that would take a long time and she would have moved on by the time that happens. She is going overseas during this holiday, gives me plenty of time to think. Will my strong feelings for her remain just as strong when she returns? Is she my soul mate? I read somewhere on this forum that your soulmate shouldn't "complete" your life but enhance it. Am I try to start a relationship, would it turn out with her getting involved with all my issues, and dump me (making me feel lower then I ever felt before) when she finds that she cannot resolve my issues? Am I expecting too much from this girl I like? I know I am expecting too much. All the issues I have, I must resolve them myself, however I need a significant rapid change in my life to do so. P.S. Sorry that this post is long, I always have a lot on my mind and I want to get it all down somewhere. Quote Link to comment
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