What is the right thing to do?

[anotherperson]

Hi,

 

I believe that when two people are going out, they shouldn't feel a need to flirt with other people. My girlfriend agrees with me on this one, however I still think she would flirt (but not cheat) with other guys when on girly nights out without me, considering all her friends are single, and that's what they would be doing. I was out on a guys night out a few nights ago, and a close mate who has been in a relationship for a few years started to flirt with some girls with another one of my single friends. I called him aside and asked him, "do you really think it's cool to flirt with other girls when your gf is not around". He said "Of course it is". He said there is no difference between talking and flirting, as long as flirting doesn't lead to anything more. I disagree. I believe flirting is talking with sexual intent. I also believe that it's ok to talk to other girls, but not to complete strangers that may ask you to dance, etc. I got in to an argument with him, after he suggested I join him in chatting to some girls. I made it clear that under no circumstances would I disrespect my own girlfriend by doing so. The thing is, I have no desire to flirt or even chat with female strangers.

 

I told my girlfriend about this, and she was very happy that I acted the way I did. I told her that I act the same way both in and out of her company. She told me that she does the same.

 

I don't know, maybe some couples have agreements, but why, if you're in a happy relationship, would you think that flirting with another person is necessary?

 

Was I wrong in what I did, because my mate now thinks that I'm letting life pass me by, and that I should live a little. To be honest, I'm happy where I am.

[Beec]

There are limits, but so long as it is simply conversation, I see nothing wrong with flirting with another not your significant other. We all need to feel that we are recognized as attractive once in a while. So long as it is short lived, ends that day, and does not occur at 2:00 a.m., what's the problem?

[anotherperson]

We all need to feel that we are recognized as attractive once in a while.

Surely your significant other should be able to fulfill that need. I tell my gf all the time that she is gorgeous (which she is). She reciprocates the kind gestures all the time too. I couldn't care less if other women didn't find me attractive.

 

When you say it could be a problem if done around 2am, on this occasion with my friend it could have been. It was about 1am, we were in a club, and he had been drinking, so was the girls he was flirting with. I don't know if you're in a relationship, but if your partner was out with their friends, would you not have a problem with them flirting with someone else?

[OceanEyes]

Although I think it's unrealistic to never flirt while you have a boyfriend/ girlfriend, I do really think that AnotherPerson has a point here:

 

Surely your significant other should be able to fulfill that need. I tell my gf all the time that she is gorgeous (which she is).

 

I generally don't need to flirt to reassure me that I am physically attractive. This is not to say that I don't flirt from time-to-time (because I do). Also, 85% of the time, I don't even find the person I am flirting with attractive. Just because I flirt with a guy doesn't mean that I think he's hot; it's usually just for fun and to "connect with" another human being. Looks have nothing to do with it.

[Beec]

Would I want to see it? No. But would I think 15 minutes of flirting by her, and there is a her, would be wrong? No. When it gets past an hour, then there may be something wrong. At 2:00 a.m., it seems more like I am looking to hook up than just flirt. At some point it stops being only flirting. You need to keep within those bounds. The shorter the time period, the more everyone knows nothing will happen, the more suggestive things can be.

 

If my woman is flirting with a guy for five minutes at soem function, then I don't have a problem. I don't want her to tell me about it, but I don't have a problem.

 

And you telling her she is beautiful all the time may not be believed after a while. Someone else appearing and seeming to be genuinely attracted can and will.

[anotherperson]

And you telling her she is beautiful all the time may not be believed after a while. Someone else appearing and seeming to be genuinely attracted can and will.

I thought about this...and my answer is that I don't do it because I think I have to. I do it because I want to. If my gf shows up looking fantastic, I'll let her know. She'd nearly be able to see it in my eyes anyway. Also when she's feeling under stress from work, etc, I'd cheer her up by reminding her how I feel for her.

 

However, there are times where I feel like I probably say it "too much", which I agree may not be good. But my problem is that she says it just as much as I do, and if she tells me she loves me or thinks I'm handsome, etc, then I kinda feel obliged to reciprocate. If I didn't she would get worried, I know she would.

[Beec]

Well, don't do it all the time. That comment was a little off topic. But you want to give her these things on an intermittment basis. Make her wait and feel the tension of waiting sometimes. Then you relieve the tension. This is a good thing, creating tension than releasing it.

[anotherperson]

Well, don't do it all the time. That comment was a little off topic. But you want to give her these things on an intermittment basis. Make her wait and feel the tension of waiting sometimes. Then you relieve the tension. This is a good thing, creating tension than releasing it.

To me that sort of feels like playing mind games. I understand that somethings can become exhausted if over used, but by consciously creating a desire for certain actions, I feel like I'm engineering the relationship. I don't know maybe that's me. I believe there is right and wrong, but I don't believe I should hold off doing/saying something in order to tease my partner so she will practically beg. Actually I feel if I were to reduce the frequency of compliments she would more likely venture somewhere else where she would get more attention.

 

Those of you in successful/long term (years +) relationships. How often would you compliment your partner? or tell them you love them?. The last thing I want is to start creating a routine, but sometimes I feel that our working lives force us in to certain patterns, which in turn restricts us from being spontanious and spicing things up a bit (ie weekend away, etc). The only thing my partner and I do is plan breaks away or nights out, etc in advance so we both have something to look forward to. Work at the moment does consume much of our time.

 

What can I do to improve the quality of my relationship based on what I've told you above?. There are times I feel like it's slipping, but then she turns around (like she did today) and sighs "I don't know what I'd do without you.....you're brilliant and I love you". I love to hear words like that, it makes me feel like I'm doing no wrong. But at the same time I feel that routines can increase the chances of boredom in the relationship.

[Beec]

To me that sort of feels like playing mind games. I understand that somethings can become exhausted if over used, but by consciously creating a desire for certain actions, I feel like I'm engineering the relationship. I don't know maybe that's me. I believe there is right and wrong, but I don't believe I should hold off doing/saying something in order to tease my partner so she will practically beg. Actually I feel if I were to reduce the frequency of compliments she would more likely venture somewhere else where she would get more attention.

 

I compliment my current gf a lot. Usually, multiple times a day, but on somedays, I hold off talking to her or I hold off paying her a compliment, but I don't wait so long that she is begging for it. You don't need a lot fo tension, just a little.

 

Not long ago, she went on a business trip. The day she was leaving, I made a point of not calling her. She called me on her way to the airport. Then the next day, I had something (flowers) delivered to her hotel. She did not expect it at all, and was surprised. While I created a little tension, I also really released it.

 

I don't think you need to worry to much about less frequency, so long as her is matching yours. And there may be times, when I do it more than you do. But I know there are times, when I just don't do it for a short while. Then when I do it again, she has a great reaction.

 

Mostly, I just make sure that I different things. Like pay her certain compliments, then stop using those for a short while, as I do other things to show I appreciate her.

 

I also don't think that you have much to worry abotu by not telling her she is beautiful for a day or so. If you do it everyday, then it becomes taken for granted, and if that's the case, it does not matter if you do it or not, she is not getting much from it.

 

I gues what I am suggesting is to try and wait an hour longer than normal to compliment her, one time when you see her and she has put effort into how she looks. Then if she has not asked after that hour, walk up and whisper it in her ear. See how she reacts.

 

Is this manipulating her? Yes, sure, but no more than when I send a woman flowers. I do that to make her feel a certain way. Is this almost the same thing?

[anotherperson]

Is this manipulating her? Yes, sure, but no more than when I send a woman flowers. I do that to make her feel a certain way. Is this almost the same thing?

Yes I agree that it is. Right I will consciously make an effort to hold off on the compliments a little bit. To be honest I feel that both of us have some insecurities that we both need to work on. I feel that she feeds off compliments and attention. She take criticism very badly, I mean even a hint of it. She constantly asks me things like "Which way do you like my hair" (out of all the styles she puts it in). She won't let me away with saying I like them all (when to be honest I do, apart from one style). She demands to know which one I prefer the most, and when I pick one, she'll go all quiet and ask me "What's wrong with this other one or that one, etc?". To be honest there is nothing wrong, I tell her that she shouldn't always have to feel like she has to check with me on things like that. I tell her that the bottom line is that I find her very attractive and that she should focus on what she likes and know that I'll be happy with it. Don't even get me started about clothes. I spend hours and hours with her shopping for clothes, and she'll ask me do I like a top or coat, etc. I personally am a very fussy dresser, but that's me. She on the otherhand is easier to buy for. I like way she dresses, but she constantly asks me about clothes. I base my answer on how enthusiastic she is at that point in time with respect to the piece of clothing. Before I said I didn't really like something in the store, and she got angry with me. I told her that it was just my honest opinion and that it didn't matter if I liked it or not, if she did, she should buy it. I'm not going out with you because of her clothes, is what I said to her. Dress the way you want and the way that makes you most happy. That one really confuses me.

 

My gf is quite a jealous person, who needs to grow up a bit in that dept.. She's not jealous of the fact that I may be attracted to her friends (because I'm not), but if her friends can do something better than her for example, she constantly finds something to complain about them. If she's feeling down, all I have to do is compliment her and her mood changes very quickly. There are times I think she sulks for the sake of getting some positive attention.

 

Thanks very much Beec for the advice, I'm really appreciating your help.

[Beec]

If she asked my opinion, then got mad at me for giving it to her, then I would get angry. Does she want and respect your opinion or are you suppose to just rubber stamp her wishes and kiss her rear?

 

I'd refuse to give her any opinions for a while to try to teach her a lesson. of course, my lesson might be accompanied or followed by some reinforcement. While she asked me about clothes and I refused, I'd let her get a little angry and then I would probably tell her I'd still want her if she were dressed in a burlap sack.

 

Probably would take a similar attitude towards her hair. To me a woman with windblown hair and a smile is one of the most attractive women in the world. Of course, I might not feel that way if we were at a formal affair, but on any given day, it can work for me.

[anotherperson]

She the other day asked me about a top she was looking at in a department store. I said I wasn't a big fan of it. She then said that she asked me a week earlier about that same top and I said it was lovely on that occasion. Fact of the matter I didn't care. The top was just OK, which would probably explain why my opinion was slightly different from one day to the next. When I answered the second time I didnt' realise I had been dragged before that same garment a week earlier, because we'd seen so many clothes/stores in recent times.

 

She took pride in exposing my flawed opinion. I was semi-angry and felt like saying to her "why did you ask me again, if you knew the answer from before". She obviously was just doing it to test me, and that annoyed me.

 

Is there anything you suggest I do, along with refusing to give my opinion on occasion because of the way she's been acting. I think that would be reasonable. Also I dont' want to be seen as someone who would always stamp her wishes and kiss her rear, so where is the line between "being made a fool of", and "fulfilling a genuine request". I make a lot more money than she does, and am very generous with my cash. She buys her own clothes, things, etc, as do I, but when it comes to going out, to dinner, etc, cab rides, etc, I pay 99% of it. She doesn't expect it and tells me over and over again that she would never expect me to pay for her. But she doesn't realise that she would not be able to afford 50% of the bills that we generate together. She likes our life, and I treat her well. I just wish she could see how much I do for her. Having said that she is there for me too, except when she's hormonal/stressed, etc (which is fair enough).

 

Any more advice...

Thanks buddy for the help so far

[Beec]

If you want her to realize the value of something that she does not seem to appreciate, the easiest way to make that happen is to withdraw it. When it is missing, she'll feel that and what it back. When and if it comes back, she is more likely to show appreciation for it.

 

That goes for your opinion and your money.

 

Something is wrong with how she treats your opinion. She asks for it, attacks it when she does not like it, seeks to demean it by fooling you, etc. Yes, I would withhold it and I would make a point of it. I might wait until she did something again, but I would make a point of it. Also, it is clear that it bothers you.

 

We all need to set bounds and tell our aprtners what is and is not OK. How is she supposed to treat your opinion? I'd hope with respect, not how she has been treating it. I had a gf who told me that she would "squeeze my balls" in response to something. It was soemwhat of a joking manner, she was not about to, and I basically said I'd probably knock her on her rear if she did that. She got very offended. But how offended should I have been that she was going to physically attack me in an area in which a guy is very sensitive. In her mind, it was ok for her to say what she did, but not what I said. In such a situation, I was just supposed to remove her hand. To me that was crap. If you are going to try and hurt me, I am going to remove or stop you from doing that as quickly as I can and violence can be expected. The key was in the situation she was saying she'd be trying to HURT ME. How should I react?

 

I mention this because, she is trying, consciously or unconsciously, to do things with your opinion. She got mad when you did not like something. She fooled you so she could show your opinion was flawed. What's up with this?

 

Now, I am not trying to say this to get you thinking and ruin your relationship. It seems pretty good. But how do you get her to change in this area? How do you get her to treat your opinion with respect? Well, you need to make a point. You can make a point by trying the same thing against her, but that may not be good. I'd only do that after she did not get it at first try of making my point. I also would not bring up all of the past incidents and stay mad at her for them. If you have not tried to fix it yet, you live with the recurrences.

 

I think you make the point, as I said, by refusing to give you opinion. I'd wait for her to do somethign once more. When she did, I would tell her exactly what she is doign, in a calm firm voice. And then tell her, not to ask my opinion again, until she decides to mend her ways. And then you need to stick to that. No tantrums, no being nasty, just saying you do not appreciate this about me, so you don't get it.

 

I'd also arrange to pick the time and place. How? First, I would be so nice to her one day before. That would be the day I bring her flwoers for no reason. Then the next day arrange for you to go shopping, and wham,she feels great about you, and she is set up for you removing what you provide. That would be my plan.