Ex contacts me after 3 months...

[Vert]

Hey everyone,

I've basically been healing really well lately, and I've been meeting new girls and making new friends (I moved to a new city for a job in September). A quick background refresh for those that don't know me... I proposed to my ex in July, she accepted, and then gave me the ring back a week later. Before I left for my new job, I visited her and she cried on my lap but said she was sticking with her decision. We were doing NC, and I had not heard from her since mid-August.

 

Last night I came into my room after dinner and noticed 3 msgs in my away box from my ex-gf. She basically said "hey... just saying hi... wondering how you're doing and if you had a good Thanksgiving". I stared at the comp for about 5 minutes before deciding to IM her back. We talked for about 10 minutes but kept it civil and no personal information. She admitted to reading my weblog a lot (saying "it keeps me up-to-date") and told me that her parents and friends ask about me too. She also said her roommates miss me a lot, and one in particular misses me the most because I was always nice to her. She also asked if she could send a christmas card to me and asked for my new home address. I gave it to her, and also asked if I could send her one too.

 

Anyway, I already talked with Muneca about it, but I wanted to get other opinions about what I should do or what my ex is trying to do. I'm not really interested in starting anything up as we live far apart now, and I'm to the point where I don't wish she was with me. I still plan on not contacting her until she continues to contact me, but should I try to open the channel up now that she broke NC? She was the one that broke up with me in the first place, but frankly I'm surprised she did this now.

[cassiana]

It sounds to me that she likes you but when it came to marriage she got cold feet. The time apart geave her a chance to calm down and think. At the very least, this contact that she has feelings for you and has questions about your relationship that she needs to answer.

[Vert]

Her reason for giving me the ring back was "I dont see a future with you" and she stood by her reason even when I was walking out of her life. Knowing my ex, I'm not sure if she is just trying to be my friend or if she's genuinely interested.

 

My main concern is this -- should I contact her back now that she's taken the first step?

[cassiana]

I'm going to pick you up on the phrase "knowing my ex". You can live with someone for fifty years and not know them. When you proposed you didn't know that she would return the ring. Most men would admit they don't understand women and vice versa. I don't know either of you but as a woman I would be very cautios about contacting a man I had hurt for fear I was giving him false hope unless I wasn't if you get my drift. But that's me and anyone else who is a bit considerate.

[Finch]

Why not? She broke NC first. Just remember to keep things civil and let her bring up any relationship issues. It sounds to me that she's aware that she made a mistake and maybe got cold feet. Talking to her couldn't hurt; I mean you're already moving on basically.

[Vert]

Good point Finch. She did break the NC, but I'm not in any real hurry to reestablish it seeing as I won't be able to talk or visit her in person till Christmas. I was telling a buddy that I'm to the point where I could see in her in person for coffee or whatever and not be set back by it.

 

Cassiana, I get your drift. She contacted me and has evidently been keeping tabs on me (as evident by her admittedly reading my blog).

 

Is she just trying to give me false hope? She cried on my lap for 10 minutes before I walked out the door and she was really struggling over her decision. She kept NC till now, but from what she said she hasn't exactly been trying to get away from me.

[cassiana]

It seems to me that it hurt her to hurt you thereforeeee if shes trying to get back into your life she wouldn't want to give you false hope. If it was me I would only contact you if I wanted you back.

[Vert]

Well, she is already sending me a hand written Christmas card. I am also going to send her (and her roommates too) a christmas friendship bouqet from FTD or something like that. I'm trying to be realistic because chances are I won't be able to get back with her due to distance.

 

I'm not closed off to possibly being with her in the future, but I'm trying my best to keep myself grounded and not get ahead of things. I agree that she's probably trying to reestablish contact to work on rebuilding things, but I can't be sure of that (as you said yourself... men don't know women ).

[cassiana]

and believe me Vert women don't know men either else I wouldn't be on this site. I think you are doing the right thing. You are being cautios and that is very sensible, she hurt you before. Be nice but hold a little back. I think the prospects look good for you though as long as you take it very slowly. Otherwise she may panic again.

[Vert]

Cassiana, I understand and that's what I'm trying to do. After what she did I have a hard time believing she's not just trying to make herself feel better. It would take a monumental effort on her part to convince me otherwise.

[cassiana]

How would getting back in contact with you make her feel better?

[Vert]

Like a shot in the arm, I guess. She might have just been missing me but still doesn't want to turn things around. Follow me? I don't know if that was her motive, but like I said it would take a lot to convince me otherwise.

[kipster]

After what she did I have a hard time believing she's not just trying to make herself feel better. It would take a monumental effort on her part to convince me otherwise.

 

Vert, I was in the same shoes as you so I'd caution you here and tell you, not to read ANYTHING into her gesture. Like you mentioned, it would take a MONUMENTAL EFFORT on the part of my EX to get me to move backward and even more important than that, it would take a feeling in my heart and divine intervention (from the Man Above in some form) to get me to go back to that. Like you, I was also engaged, my EX pushed for it like no one's business, only 2 years later to give the ring back after 6+ years of being together. My Ex's family recently contacted me (via phone--after 6+ mos. since I called them and they never returned the call over that time and wouldn't speak to me), but even that response only came after they seen me 'looking good' some 50 pounds lighter and ripped to shreds. My Ex also called my family out of the blue on thanksgiving, but I don't contact her or read ANYTHING INTO IT. YOu're just setting yourself up and you'll have no one to blame BUT YOURSELF if it breaks down. She took you for granted when she broke up with you, so why give her a free pass on the way back? I'm not saying NEVER GO BACK, I'm just saying make her work to Earn you back. Don't just GIVE HER YOUR HEART or let her in easily because now she's potentially 'seen the light'. Don't let her 'tell you' anything, only go by what she DOES. If she really is having a change of heart, she'll move forward to you in her own time though. Just sit back, continue to date, enjoy yourself and think nothing of that phone call. I wouldn't send the flowers or the card, to be honest. My Ex sometime back could only see a 'friendship' between us and to me that's unacceptable, so there's no need for us to communicate. I can't stop her from communicating with my family, but I can certainly refrain from contacting her. My heart hurt too much the first time around, I don't want that kind of pain again. Especially if this time, its due to me CREATING something that most likely isn't there. I'm not telling you what to do, but I'm saying take it slow and see the 'forest for the trees'. And ask yourself, "Is this woman really showing me that she wants to get back into my world" of is she simply curious about what's going on with me to ease her conscience.

 

Kip

[Vert]

Kip,

That's exactly what I was saying -- "is she doing this to honestly get into my life again or just to ease her conscience?" I think it's probably a little of both with her, but I'm just perplexed that she's been keeping up with my life ever since she let me walk out. I am not going to read into her gesture that much with the exception of this post, obviously. To convince me, she's going to have to start contacting more often and even try to arrange meetings where she has to go out of her way to get to me. I do not want to be mean and force her to drive all over creation, but to me that would mean she's serious. I guess I'm mainly not looking into this because of the distance between us (I now live about 800 miles from her), and getting back together under those circumstances is tough.

 

I agree about the card and flowers, but I'm going to send it anyway. I have the delivery date set for early December, and I addressed it to "the girls of #305" (her apartment... I figured it would be better to send flowers to her AND her roommates that I was friends with). I'm not trying to reignite a spark, but rather just to show her that I still am her friend and care for her.

[kipster]

Well, Vert, I think you re looking at this objectively and again, as long as you're not 'reading into' any of her gestures and taking it slow, I think you'll be fine. Just remember to protect your heart and don't get your EXPECTATIONS up at all. Just keep in mind that you two are NOT TOGETHER and barring some monumental circumstance stemming from her demonstrating otherwise, that is unlikely to change. As long as you realize that, then I think your approach is probably the best.

 

 

 

Again, although I wouldn't send anything to her or her friends (you're a better man than me ), I think you know what you're doing here and I can support that. You're clear that the flowers are NOT to REIGNITE a spark and as long as you truly understand that and believe that, then there's no harm. But I would submit that if you truly want to be her 'friend' (and nothing more) then sending cards/flowers is cool. But if there are ulterior motives outside of GENUINE friendship, then you could be setting yourself up for heartbreak. It clearly seems that you are genuine in being friends, so I see no problem in your gesture. Best of luck,

 

Kip