Timid about getting back together

[Switch187]

Okay so some of you may know that my ex and I were able to get back together a few weeks ago, and I couldn't be happier. But I do have one problem. I've noticed that I've become a bit more timid around her, and that I'm very cautious about really getting back with her. I know deep down I really do love her and want to be with her, and she's been showing me that she really does love me as well and that she really wants to be with me, but my mind just doesn't want to accept it. When we spoke with each other last night (we talked on the phone for about an hour) I told her how I felt, and how I felt a bit insecure about her right now and about our relationship. She kept telling me that I was looking too hard into this, and over-analyzing the situation. She said all I need to do is realize that she loves me, wants to be with me, and that she has no intentions of leaving me again. She wants to take things slow though (which is fine) since we both have things in our lives we want to accomplish as well. But I guess what I'm trying to ask is if anyone can help me figure out why I'm so timid/insicure right now, and why I'm having a hard time accepting her love to me. Is there something I should/can do that will help change, or is it something she has to do? (She even said that she will do anything to show me that she wants to be with me, and all I need to do is ask her for her help and she will be there by my side). So any advice/tips are welcome and appreciated. Thanks to everyone who helped during this time.

[shockeddismayed]

Switch,

 

The feelings you are having are totally natural. And it sounds like you are dealing with it well so far.

 

Keep the communication open... but also, don't be afraid to keep yourself *a little* guarded during this time.... same as you would in a new relationship. Obviously with someone new, you wouldn't immediately start planning your future... you would just enjoy each moment and see where it leads you.

 

When you find yourself behaving strangely b/c of what happened, DO explain it to her (as you have been doing), and let her know in a strong, secure way, how you are feeling.... ie don't give her a whining or completely insecure sounding description. Act like a secure adult, and she will have no choice but to treat you that way.

 

If you find that things do not improve with time, you might talk about couples counselling... but that kinda depends on just how serious things were before.

 

Good luck.

[Phoenix Down]

I'll put it this way, now this is going to be weird but check me out...Look at it like a child returning to a house where he or she was abused. Time has past and no more harm can come to him or her, but there's still a feeling of discomfort. Same with you, she hurt you, so in turn your a little scared to give in right away. Normal all the way, but do try to give it time, these things cant be rushed. Your heart has to open on it's own. I'm sure she'll understand that. I hope I helped Deja

[Switch187]

Well thanks to both of you for the info. She has been very understanding and very open with this whole issue, and we both have been communicating our issues when we feel we need to. I thought that the way I was feeling wasn't normal, and I didn't want it to become a large issue of trust and understanding with us. As I said though, she has been very supportive in this (she had joked saying she was returning the favor since I was very supportive and unerstanding to her during the break) and she has been doing her best to make me feel secure with her again. But you both are right, it will just take time and I need to just "go with the flow" so to say. Thanks again.

[wasting_time]

Hey switch i am in a very similiar situation to u, my girlfriend hurt me emensely and after a break up we got back together because we both couldn't deny our feelings etc. etc. I am having the same feelings. I can't give you any advice but i can let you know you aren't alone in your situation, my heart isnt yet ready to open up and except her love for me yet because i am scared that if i get too attached again i am setting myself upto get hurt. These guys here are right, it will just take time and if your girl is putting all the effort in and re-assuring you alot i'm sure it wont take long for you to get settled.

I hope everything works out for you.

Peace out, Justin.

[Finch]

It's natural to be a little apprehensive when you have been hurt in the past by a particular person. If you truly love her and believe that it can work, then you are just going to have to exert some extra effort into trusting her and making things work. Insecurity is normal, but don't let it get out of hand.

[winkie]

I am sorry and I do not mean to be negative but you are upset for a reason and who is she to say get over it. Your insecurities are for a reason and they need to be thought through in order for you to get over them. She is lucky that she has you back (I am under the impression that she has hurt you). It is important to work through what you are feeling and if she can not understand that then you need to rethink this relationship. No one can tell you how to feel and no one certainly should tell you to get over how you feel. Good Luck. Are you sure you are doing the right thing??

 

I hope it works for you.

 

winkie

[confuzedboy89]

i have the same situation and i pretty much know how you feel . just give it time and take it slow like some people said and you should do fine.

[Switch187]

Thanks again everyone, I'm just going to really take things slow and make sure things are "rigth" before settling down in a relationship with her. And for Winkie, she never said "Get over it" nor has she had that tone with me when we speak. She is very supportive and understanding, and she wants to help and be there with me to prove that I don't "need" to feel that way anymore. She's not saying telling me not to feel that way, but trying to show me that I don't have to feel that way anymore. She know's it's going to take time, and has made it clear that she will respect my time and put in effort to help prove to me that this won't be an issue in our future. So to answer your question, yes I'm sure that I'm doing the right thing because I do love her and want to be with her, I just want to be sure formyself that I won't be insecure about her in our future. As for everyone else that's in the same situation, thanks for the support and tips, and it's good to know that I'm not alone out here thinking like I do. I hope things turn out good for everyone else out there too.

[sasha12]

it's perfectly normal for you to feel like you need to be guarded, you must of had a rough time getting through your breakup and it sounds like you are having some unresolved issue that may be in need of clearing up. If you jumped back into your relationship thinking everything was going to be perfectly ok then I would say you have something to be worried out. But i think it's gonna take some time and understanding for you to feel like things are going to get back to normal.

[Finch]

Switch, it sounds like she really wants it to work out. I think you're going to have smooth sailing for the most part. Don't expect it to be completely smooth though. It sounds like she does love you.

[ryan14]

hello

 

for me its normal to feel that way because you have been hurt, but dont let that insecurities go out of hand, just be open for communicating things to hear, good luck and keep us posted

[winkie]

I may have missed the post about what she did?? How did she hurt you anyway?? If you dont mind me asking.

 

 

[Switch187]

Well she hurt me by abruptly ending the relationship a month ago. She said she was "confused" and needed time for herself to "center" herself again. Although this was all understandable, during the break we both started getting really rude with each other, and she said some things that were a bit hurtfull. She has apologized for her actions and I forgave her, but just the hurt that comes with a break was something that stuck with me. During the "break" she went out on a date with some guy she met at a party, but she told me about it and how nothing happened, but I told her I felt like I was easily replaced, even though the date made her realize that she wanted to be with me. Mainly the hurt/timid feelings I have towards her right now were just from how she ended things (pretty much just told me flat out things were coming to an end and we need to take a "break") and how she acted towards me. But as I said, she's been trying to show me that she's sorry for what happened, and trying to prove to me that she really loves me and wants to continue being with me. She even called me today just to say "I love you" (something that she hasn't done in a while, even before the "break") and then asked me out on a date (I thought it was cute that now she has money and want's to take me out, instead of me always taking her out).

[winkie]

Well that makes a difference. I know this sounds crazy but sometimes you have to realize what you have. In her case maybe that date she went out on made her realize how important you were to her. I know the way she did it was not right but at least she was honest with you and that takes alot. It is best however when you do take a break with someone to try not to share what is going on during that break becuase it can lead to hurt feelings.

 

Good Luck with everything.

 

 

[Switch187]

Yeah I think that she needed to let me go to realize what it is she had. I think her confusion came from whether she felt that she was just in love with me because she liked being in love, or if our love was really "true love". But when I was gone (and I think I drove the nail when she called me once and I told her about a few girls I met that want to hang out with me at their apartment) it made her realize that she did need me because she loves me. Last night we were going to go clubbing in the city, but she was tired after work and didn't want to go. I asked her if that meant she didn't want to hang out with me either, she said no, and she said to just come over to her house and we'll figure something out. So we spent the nigth just walking around the town, and down by the beach, just talking. She kept telling me that there's no other person in this world that can make her as happy as I do, and that she knows God blessed us with each other. It was nice hearing her say all that, plus after reading some advice from here I stopped being so analytical and was just enjoying the moment, so it made me feel more comfertable around her and more willing to be close. She also kept apologizing for hurting me and for making me feel bad, but after a while I told her that I forgave her and that she doesn't need to worry about it anymore (I think my mind was finally done with it, and I'm ready to just move forward). So for now things are going good, some of the timid feelings are still there, but not as much as before. Were still "working" on our relationship, but it's not like there's a lot more to work on, just little things that we both noticed. Thanks again to everyone, this site really helped me a lot through this whole ordeal.