Casual Sex???

[tiger_lilies]

Can someone shed some light on why it's so easy for men to have casual sex? How can you not get emotionally involved with the girl?

 

Also, it it really possible to honestly say "I am not looking for a girlfriend"?

The reason I ask this second question is because I feel like I've been looking for my soulmate my entire life! How can someone NOT want to look for a girlfriend/soulmate?

[hockeyboy]

How can someone NOT want to look for a girlfriend/soulmate?

 

if you look you probably wont find

[idontgetit]

i completely agree with hockeyboy. i was sure i had found mine, and that didn't work... i'm just taking life as it goes now. whoever finds their way into my life is supposed to be there.

[shes2smart]

Can someone shed some light on why it's so easy for men to have casual sex? How can you not get emotionally involved with the girl?

 

Also, it it really possible to honestly say "I am not looking for a girlfriend"?

The reason I ask this second question is because I feel like I've been looking for my soulmate my entire life! How can someone NOT want to look for a girlfriend/soulmate?

 

Sex and love are two separate things. You don't necessarily have to have one to have the other. Some people - male AND female - can separate those things easier than others. At times in our lives, it may be easier/preferable to be able to separate the two. F'rinstance - in my late teens & early 20's I was so narrow-focused on my career, I didn't have time to mess around with "a relationship" but I still wanted to have sex every once in a while. Granted, it's best (& probably emotionally healthier) when both are present in the context of a larger relationship, but none of that is necessary.

 

I guess that also speaks to your soulmate question, too. Depending on one's priorities in life at various times, there simply isn't enough time to devote to seeking/maintaining a good relationship. At those times, the honest thing to do is to focus on what you do want, and give the relationship area of your life a rest.

 

Career goals are a great example -- some careers or levels in a career take A LOT of time and energy to achieve. There was someone on here (MrCactus???) who was talking about pursuing a career as a musician and how much time the creative process took. For someone like that who has a calling, not being able to devote that kind of time and engery to your muse is denying a vital part of yourself. Most people don't want to come in second place to their partner's career. So you have to make a choice...and sometimes that choice is traveling solo.

 

If you think of life as a big store, and your lifespan as a shopping cart, its like this: You can put whatever you want into the cart, but once it's full that's it...you can't put in any more. Some things are going to take up more space in the cart (time in your life) than others. You can have anything you want, but you can't have everything you want, y'know?

 

Just keep in mind that different people have different priorities, and even with the same person, priorities can change over time. That fact alone will explain a lot of situations where you're wondering, "How can people do/not do.....(fill in the blank)?"

[RayKay]

I agree with what shes2smart said above!

 

While sex within a relationship can be much more satisfying, it is not necessary to link sex to emotion and there have been periods in my life where I just wanted the sex without the rest of it, and did not get emotionally involved. And I have been in stages in my life where I was not looking for a boyfriend either due to other priorities, or maybe as I was recently out of something and needed time....does not mean I am not open to it, but I am not looking for it. Ultimately yes I do want to find my life partner, but there are times in my life where I am focusing too much on myself or other things to be concerned with that.

[sisterlynch]

i think that it would be really hard to not love someone that you are having sex with. For those who can separate out those feelings, i don't think that is a very healthy way to be in this world...they should check themselves....

[hockeyboy]

i don't think that is a very healthy way to be in this world...they should check themselves....

 

haha..what dr. do you go to for that?

[Day_Walker]

Males and females engage in casual sex because they realize that they want to have sex with a person but not be exclusive with that person. It could be for many reasons, they cant find what they are looking for in a potential relationship, they dont want a relationship etc. The reasons will vary from person to person. Some people are able to handle casual sex while others cant, if its not for you then dont it. People like to have sex and not being in a relationship isnt going to stop them from having it. Now i will agree that in some instances it is not healthy to have casual sex but its also no healthy for people be involved in certain types of relationships.

[tiger_lilies]

Wow. Shes2smart, thanks for your insight, as well as everyone else. That makes a lot of sense.

 

It's funny...the guy I am "casually dating" tells me that he is not looking for a girlfriend, but his actions speak differently. Or perhaps I am reading into it more than I should. It's much too early in our casual dating for me to come out and confess my true feelings for him. I don't want to place any pressure on him or myself for a long term commitment. Yet I feel like we could have something here.

 

Just trying to understand where he's coming from...or perhaps I am being used? I guess time will tell....Thanks again everyone! Cheers!

[OceanEyes]

For those who can separate out those feelings, i don't think that is a very healthy way to be in this world...they should check themselves....

 

How do you figure? Just because someone wants to have safe, no-strings-attached sex doesn't mean that they are "unhealthy" or wrong in any way. Isn't it healthier that a person can actually tell the difference between sex and love? Avoids a lot of hurt feelings, I can tell you that! I just don't think it's fair to judge or come down on people just because they're not in search of a "soul mate". I don't get down on others because they are, that's for sure.

[confuzedboy89]

its also easier for guys because were not gonna care what some random person thinks. If your in love with someone you want to please them and make them happy and you can become nervous about ur body. If it's some random person there's no worry about pleasing them.

[Caldus]

I think it's simply a matter of how people view sex and love. It also depends on what people are looking for in a relationship. If people place emphasis on sex in their relationship then it's obvious what kind of behaviors they are going to engage in.

[benchwarmer]

I think sex is the most intimate act you can share with another person. So, it is healthy to view it as something special. Also, its purpose is to procreate. It's just a fact. Self control is something that is severely lacking in society. I'm not saying that sex, outside of marriage, is necessarily a bad thing. But it certainly is the opposite of casual contact. That has been muted or suppressed by those that cannot control their addiction to sex.

 

I think the most important thing to do is be honest. Don't lie to get it. And if you truly just want casual sex, you should be prepared to handle the consequences; those include STD's, unwanted pregnancy, and less sensitivity to the act. Granted, all of those probabilities do a lot of damage to your psyche, during and after the temporary thrill of sex. So, let's not kid ourselves into thinking that sex can be casual. It's not. It's the most intimate physical act we can share with someone.

[Double J]

Benchwarmer has some good points. Most people feel the act itself of sexual intercourse is considered "making love" if both partners are in love, and merely "having sex" if it's done out of lust. Regardless, sex is still something very intimate. If not for the use of condoms, you are both engaging in something that sets the stage for a potential fertilization of the egg; hence, procreation. But people in society don't think of it that way. In psychology, i'm sure you guys have heard about the id, ego and superego. When the id takes over (acts on pleasure principle), sex satisfies lust, period. And I guess you can say that when you want it to be a more meaningful and profound experience, the superego is operative.

[sisterlynch]

You make an execellent point. We are not required to have sex with someone just because we are attracted to them are we? WE have a brain that controls our actions. If we can have sex with a random stanger and feel nothing after ward or better yet, have sex with someone occasionally, and not feel a deep sense of commitment toward them, I just wonder how healthy that is. Emotionally speaking of course.

 

Men may have an easier time of this as their sex organ is on the outside, and they are programed by society not to feel things as deeply as women.

 

Women who say that they have casual sex and feel nothing after the fact are the ones that I really wonder about...can you honestly say that what you are doing is right and that the feeling you have for your partner is not love?

 

What is love then? Can you really have sex and not love?? This doesn't seem real to me, I think that you people are all play-acting...you can't feel sexual excitement without love attached to it, can you?

[sasha12]

I have been in a few relationships that were for the sex. Only because I had alot of responsibilities at home and didn't want to be involved with anyone at that time and was just looking to have fun and be able to walk away not feeling like I owed that person anything. I guess I had been in too many controlling relationships and did't want to go down that road again. But to me there is nothing wrong with casual sex as long as both parties agree.

[RayKay]

.

 

Women who say that they have casual sex and feel nothing after the fact are the ones that I really wonder about...can you honestly say that what you are doing is right and that the feeling you have for your partner is not love?

 

What is love then? Can you really have sex and not love?? This doesn't seem real to me, I think that you people are all play-acting...you can't feel sexual excitement without love attached to it, can you?

 

Sure you can. Love comes through time, shared experiences, bonding together, emotional sharing, shared values and goals. If outside of sex you are not building a relationship, you are not building love. I cannot say to a one night stand (or two night, three night, whatever) the next morning that I love them just because I had sex...because that is not the case! I can be sexually excited by them, be attracted to them, have great sex with them..but beyond that might not want anything with them. It is still different than if I was in a relationship because in a relationship there is more freedom, more security, more experimentation, more of a desire to make sure your partner is pleasured just as much as you are...it is more of a shared experience. But that does not mean it is not possible and not exciting or fun in it's own way.

 

So yes, you can have sex without love. It does not mean it is the same, but it is definitely possible..otherwise how do you explain one night stands, friends with benefits, etc. It is often presumed it is men who are the instigators of these situations...but I know just as many women who do the same and are the ones who want no strings attached sex. I am a sexual person, I enjoy sex very much but sometimes I don't have a relationship within which to have it...so I do get involved in casual sex relationships. It in fact is good for me to do so at some points in my life, an as long as both partners are honest about it, have their boundaries, agree to it and are careful, then I see no problem with it.

[June4life]

Casual sex is something that I will never taken part in. I just feel the need to have a strong relationship before I have sex! I've been with the same guy for a year, and we still havent had sex!