how would you feel?

[catgirl82]

so today i was talking to a girl who is a mutual friend of mine and my boyfriends. today, she told me that she heard through the grapevine that he made a not so nice comment about her- he said "well, if **** wont tell me what she got on this exam, she must not have done well". my boyfriend is ULTRA competitive and sometimes all he ever talks about is grades and stuff like that. i felt really bad when she told me that but she said not to worry about it. now i feel embarrassed about his behavior. i think he rubs people the wrong way when he talks about school and stuff. this girl told me to not tell him because it would get someone in trouble. i dont know, i just feel kind of put off by his behavior. has anyone ever felt like this about their significant other? i love him so much but i hate when he acts like that. ugghhh

[wanderer]

if you don't like it, then tell him so.

[Switch187]

If you don't like his behavior, then just talk to him about it. You don't even need to bring up the comment to your friend at all. Just sit him down and tell him that you've been noticing that he tends to get over competative sometimes, and during those times his attitude comes off a bit strong. Let him know that your proud that he's doing good in school, but you don't need to hear him brag/complain about it all the time. If you want to bring up what happened with your friend you can, but in this case I think that you can get the point accross without even saying anything about it. For all you know he may not realize how competative he is (I didn't when I was in HS, and a close friend sat me down and said this same stuff to me), and he may not realize what he's saying when he is stuck in his competative state.

[catgirl82]

thanks guys- i guess i just get upset when my boyfriend doesnt act perfect. its weird. have you ever felt embarrassed for your significant others behavior though? is that normal that i feel that way sometimes? i cant stand the fact that someones feelings were hurt because of his attitude- even though i know he didnt mean to hurt her

[Switch187]

Yes it's normal for you to get upset at a S/O's attitude actions that you see as "imperfect" (don't assume that you can change him though, but just let him know so he's aware of it). My g/f and I have been there before as well. I'm a very sarcastic person, and I enjoy making people laugh, but sometimes I don't realize that I may be stepping over the line. My g/f would get upset/embarrassed since she felt like I was insulting other people, or making them feel bad. I had no clue I was doing this until she brought it up to me, and just told me that sometimes I shouldn't keep going with my jokes, or maybe really think about it before saying it. I felt bad, since I hurt one of her friends feelings, as well as hers, so I apolagized to both. She has also done the same as well. My g/f sometimes doesn't really "think before she speaks" and will say something either very rude or very mean, without knowing she said it in that way/tone. I brought this up to her, and she also felt bad for upsetting me, and insulting a friend, so she apolagized as well. She never meant to hurt anyone, but the words just came out that way.

 

So like I said, the best thing to do it bring it up to him, since he may not realize that what he says (or how he acts) is not only upsetting to you, but to other people (that's if you want to bring up your friend). Don't expect an immediate change (I still make my jokes, and she still says things without thinking) but you should notice that he is a bit more aware of the situation. He may say something again, but realize it and apolagize for it, which is a step in the right direction (since he can notice the problem and take the actions needed to correct it). Hope this helps, and I hope that you both can get past this little bump, since love is just full of roadblocks that can get in the way.

[catgirl82]

thank you thank you thank you! it really sucks to be upset on thanksgiving you know? i really appreciate your advice and you are totally right- no one is perfect.

 

happy thanksgiving to all you enotaloners out there

[mahlina]

I felt that way before too. One of my ex's was a very bright guy, but whenever he put others down, and tried to make himself look superior than others, I felt completely turned off. First of all, I can't stand snobs. I dig humbleness in a person anyday. Pay attention to the little things that a person says. I take it when someone tries to be boastful, then they're actually covering up for some kind of weakness. Maybe he has his own insecurities. But, that doesn't mean that he should be going around acting like that. When dating someone, it's best to accept them for all that they are. A trait like that is just a part of who they are. It won't change. If that's something that will bother you in the long run, then perhaps it's good to re-evaluate if he's truly the one. If not, then, life goes on, right?

[catgirl82]

well, my bf doesnt really put others down normally- he is actually a very well liked, popular guy. but mahlina, you are right about his insecurities. hes grown up with alot of pressure from his parents to perform well in school- and he definetly has. he does have a superiority complex but he really never lets it show- except for sometimes, like the time i just described. oh well, i think i'll say something to him gently because i dont think he realizes what he did

[mahlina]

My ex would put others down in our private conversations. In front of others, he was okay, moderately toloerable. He didn't straight up put others down in front of their face. Maybe quietly in front of them, but not so outspoken like he was with me. He grew up in a family environment where education was of high importance too. His family was just from a rich/classy background in general. So, he never really knew how it felt like for other people who had to struggle to survive, and actually still tried hard in education. To him, people had it made or they didn't. I couldn't blame him for being that way. It's just the world he knew, the way that his parents raised him. Something like this is a tough call though, beause it sounds like a conflict in values that you guys share.

 

If he does't realize that he comes off a little to harsh sometimes, then hint it to him. Let him know how it feels to be in someone else's shoes before he judges that person. If he realizes his mistakes, then great. But if he doesn't, then let him be. Realize that that is just a part of who he is.

[catgirl82]

yeah- i think if he realized his actions, he probably would think twice. the only time i tried to bring up this topic, i think i sort of attacked him and he just got upset and defensive. i think this time i will try to do it gently.