Wife/Mom wants women

[samara]

I have a question that has been bothering me for quite some time. I am a wife and mother of three. I am also bi. Having said that, I haven't been with a woman for years. I think I have just been supressing that part of myself because of being pregnant, then breastfeeding, etc. Lately I have been feeling like I need something else. My husband DOES NOT like the idea, though he has knwon all along. He would rather I sleep with another guy as opposed to another woman. Honestly, when I go out with the girls the first thing he asked when I get home is if I was with a woman. He is not posessive or mean, just very jealous of women and I can't understand that.

 

Lately, when I go out, I have been falling (purposely) into situations where I have the opportunity to be with another woman. I have not done more than touch/kiss and am always up front with my husband. I should clarify, he gets upset at first but always wants details during sex Now, I am seriously at the point where I want to be with a woman. I get jealous of my husband because he gets to touch a woman, me(not that I am all that but women are so soft and warm and just feel right).

 

So, is it cheating if I were to be with another woman? Please answer honestly as I am abviously biased on the subject. Thanks so much!

[Denalhi]

Yes, without your husband it is.

 

You cannot be intimate with someone and call it not cheating.

 

Sounds like your husband has a fantasy of you with another woman; Problem is his fantasy is about the sex and you might be wanting love from another woman.

 

Talk with him. Involve him. If you love him, dont leave him out.

[samara]

I can completely see your point, about the cheating. I am very happy with my relationship with my husband. He is the one person that knows me better than anyone else. And, sexually, he is AMAZING! But, he lives out his fantasies with me, though I am not comfortable with them. His needs are met both sexually and otherwise. I am completely OK with him being with another woman as he has ONLY been with me. I am a true believer that sex can just be sex. And yes, with a woman, sex is not even on the same level as it is with a man. Without going into graphic detail, there is an unspoken language between two women(and I would think the same between two men) during sex.

 

I suppose I could get very philosophical and say that because I am giving him permission, I should have it as well. Who knows. I am also very aware that there are many people who don't believe that you can be in a relationship and have intimate contact with other people, and still 'truly love' your spouse. I know that can happen, I am living it. I am also a true believer in the fact that we are all accountable for our own actions. When people tell me that they have 'cheated' on their partner and feel bad about it, I think it is almost laughable. Though I know what they mean, I find it hard to think that while cheating they didn't know there would be consequences.

 

My problem is not with guilt, as I don't feel it at all. Simply with the 'perceived' rules on this particualr subject. I really appreciate all of your input. Thanks!

[Cadence308]

I think the rules of monogamy, non-monogamy, or polyamory all depend on the players. If your husband is okay with what you are doing and the two of you have discussed this, it's okay. But, talk to your husband first before going out and having sex with another woman because that would be cheating. I would even say what you have done without his prior acknowledgement is cheating.

 

However, I am a believer that the "friends with benefits" thing can't work and usually ends up hurting 1 or both people. The more partners that you have also puts you at risk for STDs and AIDS, so that's something to remember before having outside partners.

[samara]

Well I can see your point. I feel that the friends with benefits thing is silly too though cause you would have to put defining limits on friendship. I know a few people who find any physical contact(even hugging) to be offensive and would consider that cheating. Now as far as STD's do, that is a given if you aren't careful and responsible. In today's society nothing seems to be safe, using good judgement and being smart are musts.

[gillakin]

I would consider cheating if my partner was playing differently from what we had both agree beforehand. However, rules should be changed whenever they don't seem to suit our needs anymore.

[ocean]

It sounds like your husband is afraid to lose you to another woman.

He sounds insecure with the idea.

If your relationship is open, then you should both have the freedom to explore other attractions, with mutually agreed upon boundaries.

I think it is cheating if you are keeping it a secret.

Good luck!

[11flower]

Hi,

 

Well, the way I look at it is that if you and your husband vowed to be together, and the way you agreed was with one another only, and he does feel cheated when you want to be with women, then should you think through why you are still with your husband? You can't help feel what you do. But if it destroys your husband, then maybe you should rethink your relationship to your husband. Maybe you should renegotiate the relationship. Maybe it would help you to make a choice as to how you would like to live life with your husband. If your choices end up leaving your husband jealous or, for the lack of a better word, destroyed, then why stay in the relationship? Do you want your husband? It sounds you do. But if he can't live with your choices and you want to have freedom to sexually be with others, would it be a good idea to work it out with him or rethink it? Can you give up your choices to be with others while still married to your husband?

[samara]

From reading the responses on this and other topics, not posted by me, I feel I may not get the desired result here. As I have stated, I am not interested in the guilt aspect, as I have none. I was hoping for an overwhelming response one way or the other about my initial quesion. I have the response, though not overwhelming. Most of you are leaning toward the 'it is cheating' side.

 

What I am so amazed by is the lecturing and the questioning tones of your responses. If this truly if a forum for honest and legit questions to be asked, why the 'mother-hen' approach. Example being that one reply was warning about STD's. Seriously, I am not ignorant or uneducated.

 

Again, thank you for your time.

[avman]

Well samara, you can't go in asking a question and demanding to have answers "your way". I'm sorry you don't like the fact that people are telling you it's cheating, but it IS. And to be unhappy that you didn't get an overwhelming answer one way or another isn't very fair. People have a variety of opinions on this subject so of course you'll get answers running the entire spectrum.

 

This is a forum for honest questions to be asked. You asked. People answered. And in reading through the posts I don't find them lecturing in any way. They are telling you their opinion. And they ask legitimate questions so they can understand your situation better.

 

Perhaps you should look closer at peoples responses to understand WHY they are saying the things they are saying.

[samara]

WOW! That was not necessary! I never said anything about not getting the answers I wanted. That was actually the farthest thing from my mind when I posted the last reply. To be so bold as to assume that I am upset because people weren't agreeing with me is simply, well, ridiculous.

 

The result I was going for would be lots of simple responses in either favor. And yes, the tone was lecturing, in my opinion. Now, to be completely honest with you, I am doing my thesis on Forum's and General Discussion boards. I have gotten great response from this board as to the ettiquette to expect.

 

What I will take from this particualr post will be a direct example of the bias that floats around here like an unlifting fog. Your statement, "I'm sorry you don't like the fact that people are telling you it's cheating, but it IS.", is a prime example of the small mindedness that encompasses these types of boards. You have just told me that I was expecting unfair results but you have, ever so coyly, slipped your little 'opinion' in there as a way to hit home your beliefs.

 

I have been more than considerate of your responses and hope you all have a great day!

[avman]

a prime example of the small mindedness

 

And I see you seem to want to continue to insult the members of the board with your condescending tone. None of us insulted you. But you continue to insult us, call us names, dismiss us as biased - all because we dare to disagree. I don't think that is considerate at all.

 

Goodbye samara. You clearly don't want advice. And I'd rather spend my time helping someone who actually appreciates it.

[OceanEyes]

So what are you really asking for samara? I don't get what you mean by "simple responses".

 

The way I've read your post, is that you have a strong attraction for other women, that your husband dislikes it, but you can't understand why. Do you really need someone elses' validation to mess around with other women?

 

So, is it cheating if I were to be with another woman? Please answer honestly as I am abviously biased on the subject.

 

I've known couples that have had totally "open relationships", which means that they basically fooled around with other people whenever the feeling struck them. I, personally, couldn't do this, and neither could my boyfriend. This is a collective understanding/ agreement between us as a couple.

 

If your husband views you being with other women as cheating, then it definitely is cheating. If he was totally fine with it and he saw it as "harmless playing", then of course, it wouldn't be.

 

You will get thousands of different opinions on this; the only person's opinion that should really matter is your husband's. None of us have taken vows with you.

[tea]

Whaah, OceanEyes is angry!

 

*scared*

 

In my opinion it's cheating too. When I think of monogamy relationships I think of 1:1. It doesn't matter if I'm dating a woman or a man or an alien, it's 1:1 and except us, no one else can be our lovers.

 

From your first post it doesn't sound like your husband agrees with you that you're not cheating... obviously you think you're not and you hope people will tell you that. Well, if he doesn't agree that it's not cheating then it's cheating.

[samara]

I am in total disbelief! Are we not all adults, or close to it? To be technical, I know you don't have to be to be a member of the board but seriously.

 

I have only insulted those who take it that way! Not real sure who some of you are, pretty glad about it in the end, but you are all entitled to your opinion. I am very greateful for the people that posted about why they thought it was cheating. The answers I was expecting were more like simple yes or no replies.

 

I am guessing that the person who said Goodbye Samara...has not had much experience in conflict. Can there be no way to disagree and still have an amiable relationship?

 

My last reply was not meant to be rude or 'dismissing', just honest.

 

The only other thing I can say is that if what I have said has made you mad, that is your issue to deal with, and you can keep it. I am still welcoming responses and am excited to hear the them!

[11flower]

Samara,

 

Listen, please. I guess I'm not getting what it is the answer you are actually looking for.

 

It sounds that you and your husband must renegotiate your relationship if you and he are to live with your desire and intention to be with other women. It's not that you want to be with other women that is the issue; it's that well, what is the relationship, you and your husband?

 

There are several things people do in this case. I have heard about polyamory situations. I am not recommending this. This way of living is considered by polyamorists to be ethical. I am not sharing my personal opinion about it.

 

If you are troubled about it, will you ask your husband to renegotiate?

 

If he does not like that you want to be with women but wants to stay with you, what do you want to do?

 

I guess I just am not picking up what answer it is you are wanting, or maybe even the questions you are asking.

 

Will you explain further?

 

Thanks,

11flower

[PAdreamer]

Samara,

 

I'm not sure what the point is of you being here. Are you here to get people's HONEST opinions about whether or not WE think it's cheating? Or are you here to cause a scene by arguing with everyone who posts a reply? You asked for honest opinions, and people are giving them to you. Avman's first response may have been off, but that was simply a misunderstanding. At first I was confused as well. We all need to take each response on this board with a grain of salt, you know? Does it really need to come down to veiled criticisms of people's character, intelligence, and experiences? Few of us REALLY know each other, and the writing on a forum is not always the most effective way to communicate- so much is lost in translation. But as far as I'm concerned, this forum exists as a safe environment for people to ask for help, and for others to do their best to provide answers. I doubt very many people feel safe in coming here when you respond the way you have to their honest attempts to help out.

 

Sure... If we don't like it, it's our problem. But my concern isn't for me... I couldn't care less about your condescending attitude. But I DO care about people getting the respect they deserve. I hope you'll understand where I'M coming from. As you said, we're all adults. Let's ALL act like it.

 

With that said, I will put in my two cents on your dilema. In my opinion, it IS cheating, for the very reasons that eferyone else has stated.