bad news, now she needs my support?

[LilithCave22]

Ok, here I am again seeking more advice from you beautiful and intelligent people. I will make this as brief as possible….

 

My SO broke up with me on Halloween. It was a very, very sudden and abrupt breakup. I thought things were going really well but apparently not. I kept in contact with my ex but later found out she had a date 3 or 4 days after our breakup with someone else….

 

When I learned she had found someone else, I initiated NC because it was just too painful. It was obvious she had waited until she no longer needed my support to leave me.

 

7 days after I initiated NC, I got an email from my ex. Unfortunately, she had received news that her grandma has cancer. It's pretty serious and she probably doesn't have much longer. This came has a huge shock to my ex who is very close with her grandma. It should also be noted that my ex's mom died several years ago to cancer – her mom's birthday would have been this Saturday. Needless to say, my ex has withdrawn from the people around her.

 

My dilemma here… I want to provide support to my ex but I don't want to continue to be her emotional rock and then just get left out in the cold again once all this passes. It's too hard for me to try and be friends with my ex right now. I would like to have a friendship with her some day but, realistically, I don't know if that could ever happen. My mind tells me that I am over thinking all of this and that I should just do what my heart tells me to do. The problem is that my heart is still very much in love with this girl and I fear that providing her support would bring the two of us together again only to leave me with false hope.

 

My ex mentioned in her email that she misses me and that "this sort of brought out how alone I am here" and that she didn't know anyone else well enough (where she lives now) that she could share this news with. I responded to her email on Monday night (when she sent it) letting her know that she wasn't alone and that if she needed to talk, she could call me. I let her know that I am here for her if she needs me. I left it at that and have not called her or emailed her since Monday night. I haven't heard anything else from her since. She respects my wishes to have NC and I know she still feels a lot of guilt about the breakup. I feel awful ignoring her but all I can think is how she left me when she didn't need me anymore. This happens and now she needs me again. I am very reluctant to be her emotional rock again. I sent her a card in the mail yesterday so it will get there by what would have been her mom's birthday. I plan on keeping the NC for a while.

 

What are your opinions? Do you think I should call her after a week or so just to see how things are or wait until she reaches out to me again? I wonder if she will reach out again since I requested NC.

[Marketa]

Truthfully I don't think you should call her. Let the guy she dated take care of her. Like you said you dont wan to be there for support only to get let down when she doesnt need you anymore. Part of healing is being able to let go.

[titan]

you shouldn't help because after you will build up a hatred for beign used in such a way. Just explain that while you know its sad you can't be there for her.

[deyra]

I would be supportive for her via email, where you can keep some kind of distance, but still show her you can be there for her. If she pushes for face to face or phone contact and you're not ready. Be honest and tell her you aren't ready to see her yet. But tell her she can leave you a message when she needs to, etc and you'll email her. Be supportive and caring as a good friend with the written word.

[LilithCave22]

Thank you, everyone, for your support. It's times like these that it's difficult to know what to do. Like I said before, I did email her but haven't heard anything from her since. I think she feels guilty enough from the breakup that she won't really reach out to me that much which is probably best for both of us. If nothing else, this will show her what she's thrown away. I just worry because I know she has severe depression problems from the loss of her mother and she won't reach out to anyone else.

 

Thanks again for the support!

[LilithCave22]

Me again…

 

Well, my ex got the card I sent her. She sent me a text message last night that said "thank you for the card. nice to know you are thinking about me. Love you"

 

I didn't respond to her text message and this morning my phone starts to ring and, sure enough, it is her. I think it's killing her that I am doing such a good job at this NC thing (it's only been two weeks of NC; 1 month since the breakup). I didn't answer the phone; I was shocked it was her calling. She left me a voicemail saying that she was calling to say hello, thanked me again for the card, told me that if I wanted to give her a call, to call her back...

 

Ok, so I know I am over analyzing everything and it really shouldn't be this difficult of a decision but, truthfully, it is. I'm just not sure what to do. There is a part of me that wants to call her back. This is the first time she has called since she broke up with me. I know from her email she sent almost a week ago that she is missing me and I can't help but think that feeling has only intensified during this past week of NC. Of course, like most of us, I would like to get back together with her at some point once my heart has healed. I do know, however, that that won't happen for a while. I feel that if I don't return her call, in one form or another, she will stop communicating with me completely since I told her I couldn't be her friend right now; it was just too painful. I would like to keep the lines of communication open at least a little bit.

 

Would it be a bad idea to try and return her call later in the day or maybe even tomorrow? Keep it light and short?

 

Thanks for listening!