lovelostlady Posted November 24, 2004 Share Posted November 24, 2004 so its been 2 weeks since the breakup. Its very difficult for me to grasp all the feelings Im going through right now. its really astounding how much the simple change of a title between two people can change their attitudes towards eachother entirely. so the ex is back from his trip. I went into work tonight to get a drink (its a coffee shop) and he was working. oh well, what can ya do? gotta roll with the punches. awkward-o-rama. god i hate that it has to be like this. one day a person is your everything, and the next week you have no idea how to even interact with this person. polite "hi"s were exchanged, he continues to avoid eye contact with me. is it guilt or just not knowing how to act? probably a mix of both. i asked how his trip was, he says good. but we dont talk much. i talked a lot to other co-workers. i sat outside and talk to this one guy from work who has really been there for me through this and talked about his own experiences. he tells me about his on-again off-again love of 3 years. he told me that after their last breakup, 4 months later they got together for coffee and he realized that this girl had suddenly become a stranger to him and that there was no longer any connection there. he said he regretted waiting that long, because she was important to him and truly was his best friend. I suddenly realized that I cant play by these rules. I want to destroy this awkwardness as much as possible, because Id like to salvage a friendship. I dont want him to become more and more a stranger to me. its scary losing your best friend. I have to follow my heart, so Im doing what feels right. no contact will not work with us, especially considering we work together. he is the type of person that you really need to keep up with, otherwise your connection may entirely be lost. so I decide when they leave im going to say something to him, as to not have another night of unbearable awkwardness at work. so I ask him if he's too tired to hang for a bit, he says he is. I even hesitated asking because he really did look done for the night. I was like "yeah... i just..we have to work together all day tomorrow, and things have clearly been super awkward between us lately". he says "yeah i know, its just difficult". i said "its been really hard...", long silence------. then i caught myself and realized that it wasnt time to go there. i said "i do still want to be your friend, ya know. you still want that?", he said "ofcourse". then he explained that its really hard to make that transition so fast, and I was thinking "you're telling me..." he said that we have to "take things slow", which is kinda funny because it sounds like a relationship. but he is absolutely right. then we talked a bit about his parents and him being alone on thanksgiving. i politely offered for him to come to my family dinner, which i didnt at all expect or want him to say yes, just seemed like a nice thing to say. he said he'd be ok alone but thanks. there were a lot of silences , he looked like he kept wanting to say something but didn't. we agreed to have lunch together friday. he said he'd call me thursday. I said "i mean, you can call me whenever, ya know?" he said "yeah i know....im not trying to be a dick, you know.", i said "i know". then we left. its so strange. im not exactly sad right now, not happy either. it may partly have to do with the fact that Im completely numb to emotion at this point, that Ive cried more than i thought possible these past 2 weeks. But I think its really because it doesnt even feel like i just talked to him. he wasnt the same person. he was this different person, with a wall up. I know that this is the way he deals with things. he closes up himself entirely. but if he was exactly the same and everything was just dandy, then what would they say about our relationship really? its comforting to know that this is effecting him in some way and that this matters. I know from others at work that he hasnt been himself lately, even when Im not there. I hate to say it, but i think he may be sinking into a depression. ive seen him go through it before. whenever he gets like this, he pushes everything away. I wish I could help him. I wish I could talk to him, the real him. but he's all closed up now. there's nothing I can do for him. Im proud of myself really. I know im a good person. I could be really angry at him, and at times I am. I want to scream at him for destroying what was a wonderful relationship and just letting it go simply because he got scared and confused, for giving me no closure, for hurting me so much. but i cant unleash anger on him. as much as I hurt, I wouldnt want to inflict any pain or guilt on him. I love him and I know deep down he is a good person. at some point though, I do want to really talk to him, the real him without his wall up. I know that people say not to, that it will push him farther away. but this is about me. this is about whats fair. and its only fair for me to understand completely what happened and why our love came to an abrupt end. so eventually, when I feel the time is right, I will initiate this conversation and we will talk about it like mature adults. and I have to say exactly how I feel about everything that happened. I deserve that much. currently there isnt a lot of hope for getting back together, which is a pretty awful feeling. but then we've only been broken up for two weeks and only time will tell what will happen between us in the future. he is very young, as am i, and he is very confused and going through other things in his life right now. peoples feelings can change with time, and i certainly know that his can. however, I cant live my life thinking we will eventually be together again. I finally am accepting this. lord knows I want it, dont get me wrong. but thats no way to live. its cliche, but true: if its meant to be, it will be. be true to yourself people. I'm not a person who can hide my pain, or even hold back when theres something I really want to say, or ignore a person I love even if they did hurt me. I can't play by all of the rules. do what feels right. you have to be true to yourself. because in the end, you are all that you have. I am rambling. but Im ok. I dont know how I'll feel tomorrow, or even an hour from now. but at this very moment, I know ill be ok. Quote Link to comment
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