4 year Relationship - She left with son.....HELP

[twogood24u]

First of all I will tell a little of the history between is...We have been together for 4 years off and on. We also have a 7 month old son together. We meet each other fell in love and moved in together 4 months later. Im 23 and she is 20.

 

In the first 2 years we where together we started off really happy in a house together. Then we would get into arguments up stupid little things, she would fly off the handle call her parents pack all her stuff and move back in with her dad. A couple times she hit me and broke a lamp on my head and threatened me with stupid things. Then 2 weeks later she would move back in. This routine happened about 5 times. About 5 months ago she then basically moved back in with me at my parents house. We got into another argument about me drinking to much, me having friends she didnt like, and not spending enough time together. So once again she packed everything up no talking or nothing and left. So we didnt talk for a month I then beged for her to come back I told her that I would change and we ended up together again ( keep in mind we have a newborn son during all this).

 

Well I did a complete 180 in life I quite drinking, dropped all my friends, and got a good job and became a good father. We then move back in together well I thought everything was going fine. Until a week ago I decided to go visit my brother. I came home she told me she was going to leave me because she was miserable ( post partum?) and she was generally angry with everything. Well I asked her what she was so angry about and she could only come up with me throwing my shirts on the floor and leaving my shoes by the door instead of putting them away. She also said that I go out too much on my own which I like to call my alone time. Keep in mind I go out tihout her about 1 tiome every 2 weeks. She tells me that going to work should be my alone time. So we talked and worked everything out.

 

So On Sat. I tell her Im going to go visit my brother she starts screamin about how I made my choice and that was it it was over. She then told me if I left she would call the cops and charge me with abuse ( which I have never hit her) so I would get arrested, I got pissed of and left but I came back 2 hours later.

 

She was still mad that I went she was throwing things and yelling she then said she was leaving in the morning. I got up and went to my dads. I got a phonecall from her saying she had moved out and then she hung up.

 

Well I heard from her friend that she told her mom we broke up because I didnt want to settle down and all i wanted to do was party. She told my mom that she left because she thought we where both miserable together and would be happier apart. And that we would never get back together again no more chances.

 

We have talked a few times before it seems that she only fights with me when I go out on my own. She dislikes my father and every time I visit him its a fight waiting to happen. She goes out whenever she wans without even telling me I trust her so i dont call her or anything like that. Well If I go out I have to make an appointment too basically a week before. If she goes out and Im home bored waiting for her so I decide to go out for a bit she freaks out.

 

So too finish this long story once again shes gone no explanation to me about anything, although she call me the day after she moved and said she wouldnt keep my son from me....she asked me a couple questions about where I was and what I was doing. I didnt want to bring anything up so I answered her questions then we got off the phone. I dont drink I rarely go out and I think Im prett damned good to her. I cant see how she thought we where miserable.

 

What should I do, I dont want to call her and beg for her back I did that last time....Im still going to have to see her to visit my son. Should I bring anything up. Should I just let it go. I dont know what too do at this point I mean we didnt even talk about anything before she left ( like always). Am I witha phscyho or what? Please help

 

CHRIS

[Matt01]

Hey Chris,

 

This whole situation sounds very distraught. It sounds like you have done everything to make this women happy; you can only meet her half way and hope she does her half. I think you should get out of this abusive relationship because lets face it, if your not happy and not getting along, why should you be with this person? Having a son only makes this situation that much more difficult. I beilieve you should keep visiting your son even though you have to see her when you do this. When you go, don't bring anything up, not even small chat because then its even more awkward.

 

You know your with the right women when you both mutually respect eachother. Just let it go and try to move on, even though its much easier said then done. Make sure your always in that baby's life, and try to be a excellent father, even under the current circumstances.

 

Good luck,

 

Matt

[bnybrain]

I know you must be frustrated with her. But you have to understand that she really doesn't trust you. And after you inform her you are going to visit your brother (which she has a problem with) she probably assumed you were going to do something "wrong" while with him. Is this crazy? Give her a little credit. Also, she's probably depressed. Most women are depressed after giving birth (even if it has been seven months). Another factor is that she is so young. This may be alot for her to handle. I think the two of you (and this should be proposed by yourelf) is to see couple-couseling. In the meantime, you should try your best to not stir things up. Try to get her mind off of your "situation." Tell her you love her and that she is your life. Women sometimes just need to hear these things. Buy her flowers, tell her she is special. BUT no matter what you do, do NOT blow up on her. Right now she is very unstable. The two of you need to pull together, if not for your sakes, then for the sake of your child.

 

I believe that the problems that are key in your relationship is spaced evenly between the both of you. You two each have your share of contribution to this relationship dying. Couseling is your best solution. It is a mature and committed step in the right direction. Paying for this couple counseling (which would be typically once a week) should not be a problem. Your county should offer financial services, for instance, I have a friend who only pays $2.75 per visit.

 

Good luck

[twogood24u]

Apparently I have heard shes a lot happier now ( its been 2 days since the vreakup) and really doesnt want anything to do with me.....Is it better to wait to suggest the counseling....or is that idea just going to stir up the pot. Also I was her first love, and she lost her virginity to me.........maybe she wants to experience things with different guys???

[cleverme123]

She sounds emotionally abusive to you, she is manipulating you by moving out to get her way, and laughing when you beg her back. Let her go, let her find out how good she has it. Let her come around, and let her come to you. If she starts using the kid as a reason to manipulate you go to social services and they will provide you with a stable environment to exchange the child where the mother can not threaten or manipulate you. Don't ever put it past any one to with hold a kid as "punishment" for them not getting their way. I have a 7 year old step son whose mom tried to kid nap him, and a 2 year old that my ex husband kidnapped from me and with held until I did things his way. Now when we went to court it was a different story. Always watch your back and don't keep chasing her because once she knows she has you, its over. You are vulnerable to her abuse and twisted games. Not at all fair to you or your son. She has no right to control you and until she figures that out, she is a time bomb.

[trishcollins]

She needs help. This is a pattern that will continually repeat until it is broken. She sounds like she might have issues with her father, and is taking them out on the only other "male" in her life. Combined with the good possibility of post-partum depression, she is a ticking timebomb. If you want to save this relationship, you both need to get couselling -- her to understand why she behaves the way she does and work towards resolving it, and you so you can help her.

 

This is not a good environment for a baby. I think you need to take action and set up a counselling appointment for both of you. If she sees you are serious, she might just come along. If she doesn't want to, then I am afraid there is not much you can do. I would however make sure you get full access to your child.

[bnybrain]

But she still needs you, even if she is ignoring that fact. Look, she is just a scared 20 year old. A child almost, having had one herself. Chris, don't give up on her that easily. You owe her more than that. Listen, her behaviour, as disturbing as it may be, is a result of her not knowing right from wrong. I can tell you this much (and I am sure you could have guessed as well): she has trust issues, she is insecure, and she has anger management problems. ALL the more reason to seek help. She needs help. Most people don't seek help because they live every life, daily, and they think that only the sickly disturbed individuals need help. But she is a normal girl, and guess what? She needs help. I hope that you can see this. All her actions are a means of calling for attention. This is not a time for you to ponder whether or not she wants to have sexual relations with other guys (if you think that, than you are not thinking about her at all). She needs you.

 

But in the time being, give her the space she needs. And if she calls, rather WHEN she calls, be polite, be understanding, and most importantly be compassionate. Be patient with her. She will come back to you (otherwise- why would she ask you what you did). Let her know that you miss her, et cetera.

 

Then once you two have reached some grounds of communication, let her know that you want couple counseling and that you only want this because you are so "afraid to lose her, she is everything to you," etc. get the point?

[dirtbubble]

I faced a similar situation about a million years ago.

 

I would say, aside from all the already unreasonable things you have put up with and forgiven, she is definitely going through some post-partum trip out. After the four years you have described, I wouldn't expect anything to get better. You may have periods of peace, but they will likely be broken up and smashed the way they always have been.

 

My firm conviction is that any time there is violence, the two should not be together ever again. You passed that limit a long time ago, my friend. Now there is a child, who must be protected.

 

It will be very difficult to maintain and grow a relationship with your child as you become more and more alienated from the mother. You must have nerves of steel with her, but a heart of gold with the child. You must have unwavering resolve. I wish you the best, and I hope you have better luck than I.

[twogood24u]

Unfortunatley I still love her......Apparently she keeps telling everyone including my mother today how she will never get back together with me....but then she asks a bunch of questions about what im doing.I want to call her but I know I should wait.....but how long how long is too long and what not....chris

[bnybrain]

Well, I still think he should give it another try. After all guys, he may be making mistakes here as well. Let's see how things go "after" she gets help.

 

Hannah

[bnybrain]

Well Chris, wow. I'm sincerely impressed. That is a great question. Your head is in the right state of mind.

 

Alright, so let's get on with it then? When was the last time you and she spoke? And under what conditions (ie: was she still hysterical or was she seemingly calmer?) Depending on these answers, we should be able to figure out when you and how you should talk with her on good grounds.

 

Hannah

 

P.S. She still loves you too, very much so.

[twogood24u]

She left on Sunday......She called me yesterday (monday) she was totally calm as if nothing had happened.... supposedly she was calling me to tell me when her stepdad was coming to pick up her table... then she said she wouldnt hold my son from me and she thought that I would still make a great dad....there was a lot of silence in between as If she was waiting for me to say something else.......She then said she said a lot of mean things which she didnt mean.....she asked about work and where I was.....I was just on my way out so I said I had to go and I was busy till wednesday she said she might call me after 8 then.

[twogood24u]

Also If someone can answer this question....I have been reading about the NC rule....whats this all about...what kind of rules are involved in this.

[bnybrain]

Hmm? Maybe those "long silence"s were where you were supposed to tell her how you honestly felt.

 

NC = no contact. There aren't any rules really. But I definetly dont think They apply for you, since the two of you share a child. You are obviously going to have to communicate. No contact means zero contact. Not phone, not text, not aim, nothing. Its cold turkey kind of business. Unfortunately you don't have this luxury! hehe

 

Well sounds like she is sorry. The next time she calls, ask her how SHE is doing. Ask her what SHE is doing at the moment, etc. Then tell her that you miss her and want her back in your life under one condition: You begin seeing couple counseling. Tell her this after atleast say, twenty minutes of talking to her about fun stuff: like what she did for fun, anything new, anything gossipy Catch up on things with her. Then ease into you being open to her, etc.

 

Tell us how it goes. Good luck. Do all of this only if you want to do so. Because if you don't really want to be with her you're only going to worsen her state (and yours).

 

Don't be so mad at her either. She's acting like the 20 year old norm. Except that she has a baby! Which only heightens their enthusiasm! Cut her some slack.

[cleverme123]

If she ain't thinking reasonalby, and has post partum no amount of conversation with her will stick, she will turn it around and this little nice spell she is going through is just a test to see if he will keep putting up with it. I would stay back until she gets help. I have been in this situation only reversed. My kids father kept changing his mind, keeping tabs on me, etc. He later went nuts because he could no longer control his agner or hatred towards me (which was unjustified it was all stuff he had created like taking the kid away, not calling enough, not telling him where I was 24/7) any how he tried to kill me and is now in jail. Professional help first then try to reason. Otherwise, as I said before, a ticking time bomb.

[bnybrain]

I am sorry for your mishaps Cleverme. I am glad your father's child is presently in jail- he deserves it for daring to harm you.

 

However, everybody has their own unique experiences. Yours differs from TwoGood24u, and his differs from you past. It would be almost childish, at this point, if he not act appropriately. What is appropriate right now is to reason with her. To suggest they get help together, et cetera.

 

If he takes your past experience into consideration, hell if anyone took anybody's past experiences into account, we'd all be fumbling messes! It's just not possible for him to pessimistic. You may be disgruntled at your father's child, but as far as I am concerned TwoGood24u still has a window of opportunity to do the right thing. And again, if that doesn't work, then he can atleast say to himself, "Hey, atleast I gave a fair effort."

 

Hannah

[cleverme123]

Yes my situation may differ from his a lot and no I am not disgruntled about the ex. I am way better off now than someone that is controlling.

 

First off, post partum depression is a serious thing, if she can get help about nothing else that is serious. It can lead to homicidal thoughts and put her in danger of harming the baby.

 

Secondly, every post he has made has talked about her in some way wanting to know where he is constantly, know what he's doing all the time. Talks about her saying she doesn't want to be with him then changing her mind. The girl isn't thinking, maybe it's because she is unstable or depressed or something. If you look at all the messages he is pretty much spelling out that she is trying to control him and until she can fully she won't take him back.

 

Staying with someone for the sake of a child is certainly not always the "right thing to do". If she is more concerned about what he is doing and where he is going she is taking her attention off of taking care of that baby and putting it all on him.

 

20 or not, a child is responsibility and if you can't aren't ready to be a parent then you should choose not to engage in things that can produce a child. She obviously wasn't ready because she can't decide for herself if this baby is worth putting aside her childish games of seek and follow for the father, and making a decision to get help or have someone else get her help for the post partum. She can't even decide if she wants to be around him or not. She needs help and if she can't get professional help what makes you think he can rationalize with her about anything. The baby, visiting, fixing the relationship.

 

You keep telling him to save it, do the right thing, there is hope; but until she sees she has a problem she will be unable to compromise. She sounds unstable on everything he has said about her.

[bnybrain]

I suppose you would know better than I! Alright, then if she hasn't already seeked help (which is the impression I am under), AND she hates Mr. TwoGood, then perhaps he ought to inform her parents. This does sound pretty serious and having it come from him may cause her to explode.

 

I still hope that, once she gets help, they can pull together...

 

Thanx

Hannah

[cleverme123]

I wonder if her parents are aware and you are right going to her himself would be a bad idea because she will go off.

 

My suggestion would be got him to tell them he is worried about her and give the various reasons why. If they don't listen, then you know where some of the fault lies. If they do listen maybe they can help him and her go to counseling.

 

If she feels that people are ganging up on her, that is when things will get ugly. Depression puts an ugly mask over reality. It is possible to make it work she has to go get the help first. I can't stress this enough.

[bnybrain]

I hope that Mr. TwoGood initiates soon.... Where is he!?

 

Hannah

[twogood24u]

Well for the first week of the breakup we didnt talk all that much although we did work out a day for me to take my son.....( last sunday).....but during this week she has called me quite a few times.....I didnt want to suggest counselling because right now I can tell she doesnt want a relationship with me.......but Its funny she doesnt want to be with me but when she calls and I dont answer she calls like crazy....we have talked on the phone a few times this week.... alot of akward silences....and always me ending the convos......Its funny though she makes up excuses to call me like which day our you taking our son and she calls my mom to see what Im up too are talk about me....but we have already discussed that I take him on sunday.....funny things like that....still not a word about the breakup our anything on the phone....she talks almost as if nothing happened....... Im not going to bring it up I know she will when shes ready....but Im looking forward to tomm ( I get to see my son for the day again)....even though its only been two weeks since the breakup I feel like a new person right now works going twice as good, after 2 years I finally got my license back along with a new car and im actually managing to save some money...wow....well Ill be talking to her today agian and picking my son up tomm....I will give another update tomm night.......

[bnybrain]

BE NICE TO HER!!!!!!! GOOD JOB!

[twogood24u]

Well me and her are still talking on the phone although it still seems she doesnt want to get back together......I havent asked any questions yet and she hasnt givin any answeres as too why she left......she still talks to me like nothing happened......anyways I got asked out on a date by a very attractive girl.....Is there anything wrong with going out on a date?????

[cleverme123]

She left you and there for that opens the door to you being able to see other people. Not that I would run to her and tell her that. But I would not sit around and wait for her to make up her mind. She has no intention of getting help and a kid is not a reason to stay together. You can have a parent to parent relationship with her, but honestly I don't fore see a relationship working. And I sure wouldn't tell her you started to date. Just let it all play out.

[bnybrain]

YES THERE IS! DO NOT GO OUT WITH THAT GIRL. NOOOOO! Listen, just talk to your girlfriend one more time. Gosh. Ahh, this is so disturbing; whatever, do what you want. I'm going to stop posting in this thread. I'm out.