To be or not to be? This is truly the question :P

[confusedchick]

Ok ya'll I need some quick advice. Here is my story and I will keep it short. My husband and I separated about a year ago. We just fought a lot but we are really in love with each other. Me, being a female and needing a guy, went out and found a "rebound" and eventually moved in with this rebound. Needless to say, I would call my husband on the weekends and cry and tell him I loved him ect. Ect. I know it hurt my husband that I went and lived with another guy but he was just a rebound. I am no longer living with the rebound and I really want to work things out with my husband. We have a little girl together and I do believe, we both believe, we are each others soulmates. I guess I am just very guilty about what happened but I still really love him. This past weekend we hooked up, hung out and sex, it was wonderful but we established that we aren't back together. How do I work on things after what I have done? I am very confused. Thank you for your help.

[cleverme123]

Well it sounds as though there may be a chance to work it out. Have you thought about counseling to see if maybe the rebound situation can be forgotten so to speak. If you aren't divorced there is still hope.

[shockeddismayed]

Forgive me for saying this, but let me get this straight:

 

You dump your husband even though he's your soulmate

You "need a guy"

You MOVE IN with a rebound

You call your husband repeatedly on weekends to string him along

You are separated a year, presumably with your "guy" for most of that time

You break it off with the rebound

Instantly your husband is the one for you?

You don't know how to work things out.

 

I dunno.... but something doesn't sound all that healthy to me. You seem a bit insecure to "need a guy", and after treating your HUSBAND like absolute crap for a year, you "need a guy" again, so you are going back.

 

Are you sure you took the time ALONE to figure out what's going on here? None of us can tell you why you did what you did, so none of us can really give you advice on how to fix it.

 

If we offered advice on how to win him back, it would just be generic "build up his trust" mumbo jumbo.... but the bigger issue here is that you don't seem to know (or at least aren't letting us know) what went wrong in the first place. You may have been avoiding that issue the entire time with your rebound.

 

My advice is that you spend some time alone (and hopefully with a counsellor) to figure out what is at work here. What you did was pretty extreme, and I'd hope for you husband's sake that you have a good handle on what caused things, and how (from your side) it can be fixed... or at least how you are willing to try to fix it, before dragging him back into this.

 

Good luck

 

S&D

[confusedchick]

I really feel like a jerk! Thank you so much for your post. I will pm you with information regarding the actual break up so that you understand a little further. It is complicated and I really didn't want to delve into it on the message board. Any response to that will be appreciated.

[LearningProcess]

this is going to suck to hear, and i really hate posting negative things, but calling him crying from another guys house to tell him how much you missed him is just absolutely horrible. i know you women dont mean to play head games like that, and i doubt that was your intention, i sincerely do, but that is just hell in a handbasket right there. It is going to be very hard for him to open back up to you. Its going to take time, patience, and self control, but i am a firm believer in the whole "nothing is ever over" thing. Id read some books. Try "Id thought we'd never speak again" by laura davis. It seems to be a very good book. You sound very confused, but if i were you and your husband did take you back, you need to learn how to not run from something great, when something doesnt go right. Constant fighting usually is from a lack of communication. Also, i highly recommend reading Men are from Mars, Women are from venus to get a better understanding of how to deal with your relationship problems. Don't say you care and you have changed. Show him. Best wishes

[confusedchick]

Thank you very much for your post. I will look into those books and read them. I really appreciate your honest reaction/advice. Thank you so much!

[Break up Veteran]

Sorry but I have to make a comment here.

 

I don't mean to rub it in but my ex called, visited and texted me throughout her new 3 month relationship saying I still love you and miss you. She has even said it recently while saying she is not sure what she wants. I cannot even begin to tell you how much that messes with my head.

 

Yes maybe she and others who do it don't mean to play mind games. But, I can assure you if you want to make some one go insane, go ahead and do it.

 

A lot of acts that dumpers do can be forgiven or understood but those words are better left unsaid, if as a dumper you have no intention of fixing things.

 

That's my two cents.

[confusedchick]

I have every intention in the world to fix things. I am not trying to mess with his head at all. I made a huge mistake by dating/seeing another guy. I know I did. I have not and will not date anybody again, even though we aren't presently together. I really appreciate your post and I assure you I am not out there to break his heart.

[Break up Veteran]

Confused chick,

 

Please don't think I was attacking you in anyway. I'm just venting. I just felt the need to express just how those few words can do so much to a person in that situation.

 

Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes. I wish you the best of luck and hope you get what you want. I only wish my ex would try to fix things.

 

Regards

[southpaw]

Hi Confused Chick,

We may all seem a little sensitive as most of us have had our hearts smashed by someone in the not-so-distant past, myself included. I'll throw in my own experience. I haven't spent longer than 3 months alone since I started my first relationship when I was 16. I'm almost 24, and while two of those relationships took up about 6 years of my life, I think that's kind of pathetic in hindsight that I kept jumping into new relationships rather than really giving myself a chance to be alone and on my own.

As scary as it might seem, you really should be on your own for a while. You can show your ex and more importantly, yourself, that you've matured. It is very important though, that you gain your own respect, as you'll be stuck with your own company for the rest of your life. How would you view someone that rebounds from person to person, maybe with pity, maybe with anger, definitely with empathy, but you certainly would not feel inspired.

Whenever I miss my ex and feel sad, I realize that it's not just because I miss him. It's also because I miss the general construction of a loving relationship (the important qualities in a good partner aren't unique to one person) and I regret the times when I used sex and wasting time with him as a distraction from either developing a talent or thinking about an idea that requires hard work and concentration. While there are many positive things that come out of a loving relationship, it is often times used as a shield. It allows people to overlook things about themselves that they don't really like and are too tired or lazy to fix. (Yeah, my career is disappointing, I am unhappy with my body, I flaked out on my friend....but someone loves me.) Being in love and having that love returned almost seems to be enough to soothe any hurt in your life.

So now I challenge you to let go of that crutch. Work on yourself and make yourself into a person that you can respect and love. Don't do things half-a**. Put yourself in a situation where at the end of the day, if you don't succeed, you know it isn't your fault, because you truly tried your best, be it in a relationship, at work, whatever. Try it for a year and maybe by the end of the year, while you may or may not get back with your guy, you'll like yourself enough to avoid self-destructive behavior.

 

Good luck!